Mr. Pibb Pursues an Advanced Degree, Dr. Pepper Fucked

PLANO, TX (NB) - After floundering in soft drink obscurity for decades, Mr. Pibb has announced he will be going back to school to pursue an advanced degree. The unexpected announcement is expected to help Mr. Pibb compete directly with rival Dr. Pepper. In all likelihood, Dr. Pepper's claim to be the soft drink with an educational advantage is now vulnerable. As a result, many now believe Dr. Pepper is fucked.

An emotional Mr. Pibb spoke on the steps of the Plano Public Library. "For years, I promised my dear mother that I'd pursue a doctorate. She only wanted to see me achieve, but put so much pressure on me to become a doctor. I guess I only need to tell you that when we came over on the boat the family name was Pibbowitz," said Mr. Pibb as a tear rolled down his eye.

Highlighting a message of hope and change, Mr. Pibb addressed the camera. "It's time for Americans to know they can receive cavities from anybody, not just the educational elite that dominate the soft drink industry. In my heart, I know Americans want the choice to become obese in any way they choose. Their choices should no longer be dominated by the incumbent elitism of Dr. Pepper. The Americans I know do not care if their Pepsi is clear like Crystal Pepsi or dark like Diet Pepsi. We are here to prove color no longer matters in America, it's not about fancy degrees, it is simple and clear that you too can suffer from early onset-diabetes without indulging in the elitism of soft drink politics," said a fired up and ready to go Mr. Pibb.

Soft drink analysts believe if Mr. Pibb can increase his educational standing, he will remain a serious threat to long-time favorite Dr. Pepper. Bouncy McSugary, a reputable soft drink analyst, discussed the potential impact of an educated Mr. Pibb. "Mr. Pibb is a sweet guy, I mean really sweet, but you can't deny Dr. Pepper's experience. Prior to today, we knew little about Mr. Pibb. Sure, we knew that when mixed with red vines he was crazy delicious, but did he have a bachelor's degree? Maybe he only had a GED? No one knows. Which is why, despite his sweet flavor, he has been unable to compete with Dr. Pepper. This move effectively evens out the playing field. As a consequence, Dr. Pepper is going to have to run a campaign on something other than experience," said Bouncy McSugary.

Clearly shaken by the news, a despondent Dr. Pepper spoke briefly about the assumption that he was now fucked. "Boy, this kind of sucks. Really, Mr. Pibb and I are pretty much carbon copies of each other. We taste the same, we are both manufactured in red marketing materials, but what I lacked in cavity-inducing sweetness, I made up for in experience and education. I'm not sure what my next step is, but it's just so hard to be out here everyday getting scrutinized by everyone with a camera and a microphone," said Dr. Pepper as he held back tears.

In unrelated news, Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the New Hampshire Primary emphasizing her experience as a superior choice to Obama's message of hope. With each candidate achieving a recent victory, it is safe to say that unlike Dr. Pepper, as of today, neither one is fucked.

NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

Pop Culture Jesus

Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter there. Nor shall that little child enter the house of Britney Spears, for it be K-Fed who is ever so responsible in a choice between Satan and Lucifer.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Voter Fraud Suspected in Iowa, Black Vote Still Missing

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - Following a detailed evaluation of the results of Thursday's Iowa caucuses, it is now suspected that voter fraud may have occurred. Despite the fact the results have been counted multiple times, the vote from Roger Taylor, the African-American that lives in Iowa, is still unaccounted for.

After a disappointing finish in Iowa, Mitt Romney has asked for an investigation into voter fraud in Iowa. Romney who described his loss in Iowa as the result of the first inning of a fifty inning game, expressed his concern regarding voted fraud with another inept baseball analogy. "Although this might bite me in the ass the next time I run for office, I am completely opposed to voter fraud and this allegation must be investigated thoroughly. We must investigate this issue the same way replay officials examine a coach's challenge when a double-play is hit for a grand slam," stated Romney.

While the State of Iowa determines whether or not to evaluate the alleged voter fraud, various community members have come forward with their own explanation of why a vote from Roger Taylor, Iowa's black person, could still be absent from the caucus results. Said Iowa resident Charles Collins, "Dude, I think Roger is on vacation. I mean it's fucking cold during an Iowa January. Also, it's fucking Iowa, people move here just to appreciate their vacations more."

As the media continues to investigate voter fraud in Iowa, some credit must be given to the vacation theory. After all, the Iowa license plate reads: Dude, it's fucking Iowa.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com

Rage Against the Machine To Hold Peace Talks with the Machine

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In an effort to adhere to a positive message for the new year, the members of Rage Against the Machine have agreed upon preliminary peace talks with the Machine. The talks will mark the first time that members of both parties will sit down in a face-to-face effort to reconcile their differences.

Members of Rage Against the Machine identified a course in anger management as the catalyst to their new perspective on the Machine. "Our work with an experienced counselor has helped us understand that all the killing in the name of the Machine was just an attempt for the Machine to get air time on Guerrilla Radio. Although we cannot endorse this pathetic and inappropriate ploy for attention, we believe this is the best opportunity to discuss peace since the Machine has promised it will no longer be rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun," said guitarist Tom Morello.

While the source of the initial conflict is unclear, it is believed that people have been raging against the machine since 1991 when the Machine spent six days playing Mariah Carey on radio stations throughout the United States. Known as The Battle of Los Angeles to some and the Six-Day War to many, the Machine capitulated after members of Rage Against the Machine barraged the Machine with a flood of bombtracks.

The Machine admitted some hesitancy about meeting with the members of Rage Against the Machine. "Mariah Carey was huge in 1991 and everyone knows it. I could have played something else, but I was taunted by members of Rage Against the Machine who went around defying me by consistently saying, 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!' I think most people would hold their ground in the face of such hostility," stated the Machine.

The United States is playing an active role in pursuing peace between Rage Against the Machine and the Machine. Perhaps in an effort to define his legacy, President Bush is pushing peace between both parties and has agreed to personally act as a conduit of change. While it is unknown whether or not Bush will succeed, many point out President Clinton also attempted to broker a peace deal between the Machine and members of Rage Against the Machine late in his second term as President. In retrospect, it appears Clinton did not give himself enough time to achieve peace between the long-time enemies. Only time will tell whether or not Bush's determination for war will place him in a position to achieve peace between contentious parties.

Lead singer Zach de la Rocha would not guarantee any long-term peace deals with the Machine, but announced that following anger management counseling, the band has made a proactive step towards peace by changing their name to Slightly Irked at the Machine.

Thompson Unaware of Presidential Candidacy

BURLINGTON, IOWA (NB) - In a series of personal letters obtained by an unnamed source, Former Senator Fred Thompson discussed his confusion about questions from the media asking about his qualifications to be President of the United States.

One excerpt from a letter portrays Thompson as a befuddled, apathetic man:

I don't understand why Jeri wanted to take a family vacation to Iowa, but it's pretty cold here. We've been doing a rural tour and I can't believe how many people here watch Law & Order. Obviously, it is a popular show because people keep taking pictures of me here. So many Iowans ask me about my plans for the future, but I keep telling them that I am not too interested in the future. I guess these Iowans are really impressed by actors, but they don't seem to realize I am uninterested in working hard. It's the reason I became an actor. By the way, the television at the hotel does not get any good channels.

The letters discovered also indicate Thompson is completely unaware of his candidacy for President:

Still in Iowa with Jeri. Ran out of Ritalin today, so I've stopped watching tv, but found some cools clips of cats riding skateboards on YouTube. Jeri told me today I might be cast as the President in a film version of the West Wing. I guess it's sorta ok, but she says I need to act Presidential at all times. I'm not particularly interested in the role of President, but Jeri can't stop buying Jimmy Choo's. Am I the only person who finds it a little too convenient that a guy named Jimmy Choo just happens to make shoes? Boy, writing makes me tired. I think I am going to eat some cookies and take a nap.

Although the letters have been released just days before the Iowa Caucus, experts agree Thompson's polling numbers might benefit from the revelation that he has been tricked into running for President by his wife Jeri. In response to the Thompson letters, the Romney campaign has also attempted to portray it's candidate as a victim of circumstance. As a result, pictures of a young Romney being forced to wear silly Mormon underwear as a child were leaked to www.SexyMormonsWhoLoveAbortionUntilRunningForPresident.net.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

The most hilarious part of the Hippocratic Oath is the section that declares: To avoid attempting to do things that other specialists can do better. I don't know much about Hippocrates because I didn't specialize in Classics, but I bet this guy wrote some great comedies back in his day.

This is a ridiculous statement that denies my talent and education. Do you think I go to the veterinarian when my dog is sick or the pediatrician when that midget with my face is sneezing? If I can save a human life, I can save the life of a dog or even the life of a midget.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

F.P. Santangelo Thanks HGH for Press Coverage

SACRAMENTO, CA (NB) - In what has continued to be a bad month for Major League Baseball, former major league outfielder F.P. Santangelo held a press conference to thank performance enhancing drugs for the first press coverage he has had in years.

"Human growth hormone (HGH), I'd like to thank you for making the American public familiar with the name F.P. Santangelo. It feels great to know that I am finally getting some press coverage. It took almost six full years, but that HGH really paid off. Yes, I was upset I couldn't bat over .200 when I was using HGH, but now I feel like my decision to try to get my share of the spotlight was worth it," said Santangelo.

Santangelo attributed the decision to use performance enhancing drugs to a course he took back in 1996. Santangelo explained, "Back in the beginning of my career, I took a seminar in the off-season titled How to Make Friends, Influence People, and Achieve Fame Without Dignity. In retrospect, my class has really achieved their goals. Our instructor Kato Kaelin promised there were avenues to press coverage without hard work. The class of '96 was like The Mouseketeers of the 1950's. Between Kevin Federline, Tila Tequila, and myself, we've really come along way."

Jesus to Mike Huckabee: 'Lose My Number'

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - In what is perhaps the biggest break-up story of the year, Jesus has ended his relationship with Mike Huckabee. Although details of the break-up are largely unknown, both Jesus and a representative for Governor Huckabee confirmed that in the wake of a heated argument, Jesus told Huckabee to lose his phone number.

Huckabee Press Secretary Alice Stewart spoke on the behalf of a catatonic Governor Huckabee, "As you've seen from nearly every public appearance, Mike Huckabee had a very close, personal relationship with Jesus. Understandably, Governor Huckabee is extremely distraught at this moment. Mike Huckabee has such an affinity for Jesus that he speaks about him everywhere we go...I mean Mike Huckabee really, really loves Jesus."

With a significant amount of nonchalance, Jesus addressed the details of his relationship with Mike Huckabee. "First of all, I've got to say that Mike Huckabee is significantly dramatizing the events of our correspondence. Look, I really only spoke to the guy once. He had called me and asked about losing some weight, so I told him about Subway sandwiches. Our relationship was pretty casual, it's not like I helped him win an Oscar, a Grammy, or the Super Bowl. Anyway, Huckabee just would not stop calling me, so when I ran into him recently, I told him that I can't really endorse every Presidential candidate from both parties. He didn't seem to take the hint, so yeah, I suggested he lose my number," said Jesus.

While Jesus would not comment as to whether or not another relationship served as the catalyst for his break-up with Huckabee, he did note that he has a lot of options. Said Jesus, "Dude, are you kidding? I'm so hot right now. I just had a huge birthday party this week and everyone was celebrating. Well not everyone, Adam Sandler didn't respond to the evite, but everyone else was there. "

Jesus seemed confident he would not be losing sleep over Huckabee. Without mentioning specifics, Jesus claimed his social calendar was booked with requests for appearances at social events throughout the United States until November 4, 2008.

Pop Culture Jesus

And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives, but did you really think that I would want to receive a towel warmer as a birthday present this week? Seriously dude, I kept asking for an iPhone. Do you have the receipt for that towel warmer?

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Chosen People Left With Few Choices This Christmas

LOS ANGELES (NB) - With most of the country's retailers and restaurants closed today for Christmas, the Chosen People, also identified as members of the Jewish faith, have been left with ironically little choice on how to allocate their time.

Despite a limited selection of entertainment-related facilities, one Jewish man still found himself overwhelmed by choice. "Jesus Christ it is hard to decide what to do today. On one hand, the Empress Pavilion has the best Peking duck around, but you cannot deny the excellence of the Kung Pao chicken at Yang Chow. With that said, the Kung Pao is so spicy and everyone knows that spicy doesn't sit so well with my stomach. Jesus...I just can't decide," said Abe Glickstein.

Other Jews spent the day attempting to relieve their ennui through entertainment on the internet. Said Richard Silver, "I figured there might be some gorgeous girls with nothing to do on Jdate today, so I've been online all day. Sure, I'm still alone, but it's not like I could really take a girl anywhere fun tonight anyway."

While some members of the Jewish community have referred to Christmas as the only day worse than Yom Kippur, many Jewish people have been relieved that a Jewish movie is available for their entertainment this holiday season.

An elated Rachel Weinberg elaborated, "It is about time a movie came out with a Jewish theme during this time of year. I was ecstatic to know that Jewish values are being celebrated in the film Atonement. Seriously, nothing is more Jewish than atonement."

Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Actual Interviews is a new feature where I interview a celebrity who has already given a real interview to a journalist. Now, I ask the questions, but use their actual answers in a way that is completely out of context and most likely libel.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Noah: Sorry, I was late, but I had to sit through the movie From Justin to Kelly with the little girl that I mentor.

Kanye West: Oh, man, I love that movie so much.

NB: Hmm...I wouldn't have guessed that would be your style. Can you tell me what's on your Christmas wish list this year?

KW: Where's my 'Beam me up, Scotty' machine?

NB: I don't think those are real Kanye, I believe that was a gimmick used in the television show Stark Trek.

KW: I don't know what's going on.

NB: I'm beginning to sense that. I know 2007 has been a difficult year for Kanye West, but outside of your personal loss, which is understandably tough, is there anything you wish had happened in 2007 that did not happen?

KW: I wanted flying cars. I wanted hover boards. I wanted Nikes with a bunch of air bubbles on them, but I never wanted to dress like Tupac.

NB: Do you have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wouldn't expect a politician to be able to recite the third verse on my album.

NB: That seems pretty reasonable to me. If you don't follow politics closely, what do you take an avid interest in?

KW: Right now that news on Yahoo! is about an underwater pumpkin-carving contest.

NB: Honestly, I am not even sure if I have a response to that statement.

KW: I go anywhere from optimistic to borderline delusional.

NB: I think we seem to be close to borderline delusional right now.

KW: Will cars be solar-powered?

NB: Yeah, definitely borderline delusional. As we conclude, any thoughts about 2008?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wanted to be a designer before I wanted to a be a rapper.

NB: Interesting, but it still doesn't explain your fascination with underwater pumpkin-carving contests.

KW: There will be so few, if any.

NB: Very true. Thanks for your time Kanye.

*** - Actual interview conducted by Austin Scaggs for Rolling Stone, Issue 1039.

Citing Extreme Hatred of Cute, Bush Vetoes Child Health Care Bill Again

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Citing an extreme hatred of all things adorable, President Bush vetoed a bill that would provide children with health care. In addition to the veto, Bush vowed to veto proposals enabling puppies to be cuddled, grandmas to talk about their grandchildren, and Ryan Seacrest to get his hair frosted.

The bill would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) by $35 billion over five years.

In a prepared statement, Bush explained his veto, "First, let me say that this CHIP program does not sit well with me. I hate chips and I've hated them since my Dad choked on a pretzel. That chip tried to kill my Daddy, which is a justifiable reason to go to war against chips, pretzels, and Iraq. "

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had the difficult job of defending the President's veto. According to Perino, "President Bush has been unfairly portrayed by the media as not having a heart, but hopes that America recognizes the President does not hate white children."

Pop Culture Jesus

For we walk with faith, not by sight. And by faith, I mean Oprah. For if you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you will not give Mike Huckabee my new number.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Bush Adds Subprime Mortgages to Axis of Evil

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Following a turbulent week in regards to foreign policy, President Bush has temporarily removed Iran from the Axis of Evil. For the time being, Bush announced subprime mortgages would be joining the Axis of Evil on a trial basis.

Based on documentation detailing Iran's decision to halt production of nuclear weapons in 2003, President Bush reluctantly moved his Iranian flag computer icon next to his computer's recycling bin icon.

Standing next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush said, "Although Iran is definitely still dangerous, it has come to my attention that subprime mortgages have been with us, but against us, but not with us in a good way. As the world knows, either you are with us or against us, but you can't be with us in a bad way, which means that if you are with us, but not in a good way, you can't fool us. So you see, fool me once, but if you fool me, you can't get fooled again." As Bush completed his sentence, Secretary Paulson drank a large glass of water to wash down the tylenol he took during Bush's speech.

Bush noted subprime mortgages have earned a place in the Axis of Evil because they have made the bold decision to fight Americans on our own soil. In an attempt to fight subprime mortgages, Bush alluded to his plan to freeze interest rates for a five-year period. Despite the assessment that the freeze will only help 240,000 of the two million people hurt by subprime mortgages, the Bush Administration is confident their plan will be a success. As Press Secretary Dana Perino noted, "Hey, you can't strike out all the time, right? Eventually, one has to get through for a hit."

In response to the new face of the Axis of Evil, Republican presidential candidates reacted quickly to the news. While Tom Tancredo pointed out that subprime mortgages are Mexican as evidenced by the prefix 'sub' meaning below or beneath something great like the United States, Mitt Romney regrettably confirmed that his uncle is married to three subprime mortgages, but insisted his Mormon faith would not influence his policy if elected President of the United States.

Study: Vegetarianism Found To Be A Gateway Drug To Veganism

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - In an alarming study published by the Malnutrition Experts Network (MEN), the anti-social condition known as vegetarianism is now believed to be the first step to a debilitating disease known as veganism.

The groundbreaking study by MEN negates previously held theories that vegetarians, while unpleasant to eat with and visit the zoo with, are basically innocuous. According to research by MEN, it is now known that many vegetarians progress to more extreme forms of self-righteousness as time progresses.

Related forms of crippling self-righteousness that could induce veganism include: pescetarianism and pollotarianism. In the case of pescetarianism, an individual abstains from eating animals that are not fish. In this condition, the individual fails to acknowledge that fish are animals because fish cannot be pet or cuddled. In the rare instance of pollotarianism, the person infected with pollotarianism adheres to a diet free of animals except poultry. Research provided by MEN suggests that pollotarianism is a genetic disease that is the result of breeding between a Mormon and a Scientologist.

The condition of veganism is known to be the most self-righteous, debilitating disease on the planet. Due to the extreme nature of the condition, little is known about the ramifications of veganism. MEN believe that veganism can create a social condition known as isolation. Furthermore, it is believed that once a person has reached the point in their life where they label themselves a vegan, they can no longer be helped.

Often times, becoming a vegan is a cry for help that many friends and family members are unable to address in a productive matter. Said one man who recently lost his girlfriend to veganism, "If she wanted my attention, all she needed to do was dress slutty."

Hillary, Stop Faking It

Based on the other time I had sex, I’m confident I can recognize when a woman is faking enthusiasm. Therefore, I understand why Hillary Clinton’s inevitability as the Democratic nominee for President is suddenly tenuous. As a coital expert, I know Clinton’s vulnerability in the polls is directly linked to the way she is perceived by men. Quite simply, Hillary’s lack of authenticity strikes a chord near and dear to all men - she is faking it!

For example, let’s take that manufactured laugh on display during your stump speech and debates. I’d recognize that noise anywhere. It is the same sound people make when being forced to watch Mind of Mencia. It’s just not genuine.

Perhaps Hillary had a bad relationship before and is compensating for her insecurities, but there’s no need to plant softball questions at town-hall events. It’s the political equivalent of stuffing your bra. It’s certainly not authentic and it makes us question the other ways Clinton may manifest her insecurities. Is she going to rake away the benefits of social security with her political teeth if we forget her State of the Union address again? Hillary’s carefully crafted image leaves me with serious doubts about the candidate’s confidence and credibility. Sure, Hillary Clinton can hit a planted softball question out of the park, but it’s kind of like finding out your girlfriend’s ex is black. It’s impressive, but not in a comfortable way.

As a male voter, I need to know a female candidate’s favorite positions on policy issues. Is Hillary going to recite a list of positions she assumes I’d enjoy just so I’ll commit my vote? Hillary, please don’t tell me Iran’s Revolutionary Guard is a terrorist organization because you think I’d like the missionary accomplished position. If you aren’t genuine, I promise our relationship won’t last more than four years. For the record, I totally prefer diplomacy style.

Hillary can still win the nomination, but she needs to convince my gender that her favorite positions on policy issues will still be her favorite positions once we commit our vote. Unfortunately, until she stops faking it, I will continue to experience the following nightmare that leads me to keep a bottle of Advil by my bed.

Noah: Can I ask you something?

Hillary: Sure, you can ask me anything you want.

Noah: Great! I really appreciate that you are so receptive.

Hillary: Oh, you have no idea just how receptive I can be.

Noah: So…what are you into?

Hillary: Well, I’m so into giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants.

Noah: Wow! I love that too. It’s like my favorite thing.

Hillary: Yeah, it’s just really important to me in a representative/constituent relationship.

Noah: It’s so nice to talk to someone who enjoys it as much as me. Should we give it a try?

Hillary: You know, I don’t think so. I don’t really do that.

Noah: What? You just told me you are into it.

Hillary: I know, but I meant I only give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants when I’m in love.

Just because I live in a blue state does not mean I’m willing to be policy blue balled by a candidate.

Clinton’s lack of authenticity is so prevalent that she is unable to take a firm position on matters that have seemingly nothing to do with the upcoming election. In an Associated Press article published on December 7, Clinton was asked to name the foods that she hates. Hillary responded, “I like nearly everything.” Now if that isn’t faking it, then knowing all the words to Single White Shemale does not make me a coital expert. Obviously, when Hillary is asked what she hates putting in her mouth, we all know the correct answer is Bill.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I save all of my sick days to watch marathon's of the television show House. It's like knowing someone out there was documenting my life and broadcasting it to the world to show people the overwhelming size of my heart.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

New bin Laden Tape Reveals A Bored Terrorist

??? (NB) - In a new tape released at the end of last week, Osama bin Laden inadvertently revealed insight into his personal thoughts regarding his current living condition.

The latest bin Laden tape highlighted a new facet of his enigmatic personality. Apparently unaware that he left the tape recorder on, bin Laden is heard speaking to himself prior to the commencement of his redundant jihadist tirade. "Dude, I am so bored. Working from home sucks balls. Yeah, I get to wear anti-Semitic pajamas around the cave, but it is so hard to meet new people that hate Israel and the United States. Oh shit! This thing was already on!?" said bin Laden.

As the bin Laden speech officially began, bin Laden stated that he was solely responsible for the attacks on September 11, encouraged Europe to no longer associate with the United States, and that he is superior at hide and go seek.

According to his latest message, bin Laden said, "I fucking rule at hide and go seek! That game is child's play. In 2008, America should be prepared for an attack involving water dwelling mammals."

As the audio tape trails off, a repetitive loud noise is heard in conjunction with giggling. Although it has yet to be confirmed, the Central Intelligence Agency's analysis suggests that the noise heard at the end of the tape is bin Laden giggling while playing the game Hungry Hungry Hippos.

As of this morning, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has raised the terror threat from cyan to dull magenta. DHS has asked that Americans be on the lookout for suspicious, starving hippopotamuses.