Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bush to Award Medal of Contempt

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – As the House Judiciary Committee voted to cite two members of the Bush administration for contempt of Congress, the White House announced President Bush would officially present the Presidential Medal of Contempt next week.

Current White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers, both cited in contempt of Congress for their failure to comply with subpoenas issued in the investigation of the firings of eight U.S. attorneys, will be named recipients of the Presidential Medal of Contempt.

Bush, who will award the Medal of Contempt during a Congressional recess, is said to have scheduled the ceremony during recess in the hopes of joining the recipients for a game of kickball following the ceremony.

The ceremony will mark the inaugral Presidential Medal of Contempt event. Bush declared his passionate enthusiasm for the award. “I am honored to award these deserving Americans with the Presidential Medal of Contempt. Throughout my life, The Contempest has always been my favorite Shakespearian story. Bolten and Miers are like a couple of Montagues and Catapults. I love the way those fellas just tame the stew,” exclaimed a boisterous Bush.

The Democratic Congress reported a sense of outrage after being informed of Bush’s decision to recognize Miers and Bolton with an award.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated the Democrats would respond swiftly to Bush’s continual practice of presenting awards to members of the administration with questionable records of service.

With Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid by her side, Pelosi said, “This nation has had enough of President Bush ceremoniously handing out medals to undeserving Americans like George Tenet, Harriet Miers, and Josh Bolten. To show that we will not stand for this abuse, the Democratic Congress will be presenting legislation to retroactively instate Opposite Day.”

Senator Reid added, “I look forward to attending the Presidential Medal of Contempt ceremony…Oops, looks like Opposite Day just started bitches!”

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Down in the hospital morgue, my nickname is Irv the Perv. Kinky fact #9: Yeah, sometimes I am into that kind of shit.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Monday, July 23, 2007

eHarmony To Sponsor GOP Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Prior to Monday evening's Democratic presidential candidates' debate, which featured the presidential hopefuls responding to questions submitted via YouTube, the Republican Party announced its next debate would be sponsored by eHarmony.

Although details of the upcoming eHarmony Republican debate have not been finalized, some facts about the event have been revealed. Prior to the debate, all Republican presidential candidates will be required to fill out a comprehensive 436 part questionnaire. The questionnaire will be used to provide voters with a compatability candidate. eHarmony's compatability index will assess presidential candidates on variables including: physical appearance, willingness to shotgun a beer with a voter, ability to distance themselves from President Bush, and whether or not their skin pigmentation significantly differs from Barack Obama's. Public policy is not expected to be a factor in the eHarmony compatability index.

The announcement revealed by GOP Party Chairman, Mel Martinez, is part of an effort to bolster support for the Republican Party with technologically savvy voters. Martinez explained, “eHarmony is a perfect fit with the Republican party and we look forward to their sponsorship during our next debate. As a website that discriminates against homosexuals, we know eHarmony will support the family values endorsed by our candidates. Specifically, our non-sexual partnership with eHarmony will highlight Sam Brownback’s homophobia, Tom Tancredo’s xenophobia, and wedge issue candidate, Albino McPaley’s heliophobia...Man, that guy is terrified of the sun.”

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Jews for Jesus Stymied By A Game of Telephone

PHOENIX (AP) - Jews for Jesus, an organization dedicated to the conversion of Jews to Christianity, suffered a blow to its recruitment after a mix-up regarding the location of its July meeting. The organization, which reveals the location of its meetings through different interactive games, inappropriately chose to reveal the location of its upcoming meeting during a game of telephone. As a result, Jews for Fleeces reported a record number of attendees at its July meeting.

The two organizations were both met with a surprise on July 19 at Pizzeria Bianco on East Adams Street. Huddled in parkas and drinking hot cocoa, the three members of Jews for Fleeces embraced a group of enthusiastically creepy Jews for Jesus members. "I was really excited to see some new members this month. Their body heat really added something that was lacking at our recent meetings. I don't want to kvetch, but I get a little chilly sometimes. I spoke to a doctor about it, but I think I just have bad circulation," said Joshua Schwartz, Founder of Jews for Fleeces.

Andrew Vidansky, Western Region Membership Coordinator, took responsibility for the recent mishap. Citing past successes, Vidansky said, "As a legitimate organization, we are committed to supporting our events through interactive methods. Over time, we've found that our members eagerly anticipate monthly games which reveal the location of our meetings. Unfortunately, I am responsible for choosing the game of telephone to reveal this location. Last month, we played Red Rover and I swear it was a success." Vidansky admitted that he had not played telephone in years, but activities endorsing childhood nostalgia are generally not accepted by most cults. Thinking on his feet and attempting to recover from his error, he explained that this year's recruitment slogan is 'Jews for Jesus: You Can't Do That In Other Cults'.

Jews for Fleeces, an organization committed to keeping Jews warm despite their Semitic heritage, is the third least popular organization in Phoenix. Both Ma'ams for Spam and the Carlos Mencia Fan Club have fewer members.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Al Qaeda to Reunite for Comeback Tour

??? (AP) – In a video distributed by as-Sahab productions, al Qaeda has reunited for a comeback tour. This announcement validates statements made by Secretary of Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. Recently, Chertoff claimed he had a gut feeling that al Qaeda's presence would be felt in the United States late this summer.

Al Qaeda's reunion tour is one of many comebacks recently staged by former media sensations. Last month, the Spice Girls announced their plans to reunite and the Police are currently touring the world. When asked if al Qaeda is trying to capitalize on the success of recent comeback tours, Osama bin Laden responded, "The Police? No, we don't even like them. They are always on our tail." Between puffs of hookah, Ayman al-Zawahiri burst into a fit of laughter, "Just kidding! It is a music joke, get it? C'mon, who doesn't love Sting?" said al-Zawahiri.

Al Qaeda promised the upcoming tour would be more than rehashed old material. "We've got some new hits that will just kill" said bin Laden. Al-Zawahiri chimed in, "Yeah, our new stuff is da bomb." Public Relations firm Rosenthal & Goldstein have worked extensively to create a new image for al-Qaeda. According to bin Laden, "With the help of Rosenthal & Goldstein, you'll definitely be seeing a brand new al Qaeda. We weren't aware, but our shtick was getting a bit old in the United States. It turns out that our spiel about 70 virgins in heaven is a bit too similar to the 40 acres and a mule thing." Al-Zawahiri interrupted, "Things are a little more pc now. Back in 2001, we could wish death on infidels, but we've softened our message to general intolerance towards everyone." A pensive al-Zawahiri paused before admitting, "We don't want to end up like the guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I am rarely stumped. At a recent cocktail party, someone asked me, "What is the difference between a doctor and God?" Honestly, for the life of me, I can't figure this one out. I did some research on Wikipedia, but can't find the answer. I can only propose that God didn't spend a decade in school learning how to save lives, which means God is not current on the latest medical research.

If anyone can help solve this perplexity, I will send you a pack of autographed Life Savers candy. Can you help me?

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Catholic Church Unveils 'Beauty & the Priest'

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Following a court settlement of $660 million between the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles and over 500 alleged victims of clergy abuse, the archdiocese has unveiled a plan to bolster its finances prior to the large payout. With support from the Vatican, the Los Angeles archdiocese announced the production of a new reality show titled Beauty & the Priest.

Beauty & the Priest , which will air on the FOX network, will focus on a young, handsome priest's quest to find the perfect Playboy Playmate to be baptized. According to FOX Entertainment president Kevin Reilly, "All of us at FOX are really excited about Beauty & the Priest. This show will combine the moral fiber of religion with the sex appeal generated by Playmates baptized in white t-shirts. We truly believe this is a win-win situation for FOX and the Roman Catholic Archdiocese." Unnamed sources have hinted the show will feature a significant twist midway through the season. It is rumored the show's producers will unexpectedly incorporate six altar boys into the series, forcing the priest to choose either a Playmate or an altar boy to win the prize of baptism.

On the heels of this announcement, television networks frantically scrambled to develop shows to compete with Beauty & the Priest. In a press release, ESPN announced its new series, Rope-a-Pope, which will feature 12 cardinals competing for the papacy in competitive boxing matches. Additionally, MTV revealed its latest chapter in the Road Rules series. Road Rules: Vatican Edition will follow six attractive, snotty college students from hilariously conflicting backgrounds as they spend 15 weeks with Pope Benedict XVI traveling in the Pope Mobile. The Pope and Road Rulers will be tasked with achieving religious miracles throughout the world. The adrenaline created by performing miracles will motivate the cast to get drunk, yell at each other, and have sex in a predictable, yet compelling format.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Kobayashi Retires, Considers a Career in Gay Porn

JAPAN (AP) - Following a stunning loss in Nathan's Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest, Takeru Kobayashi has retired from the world of professional eating. With a limited range of transferable skills, Kobayashi plans on exploring career opportunities in homosexual pornography.

Speaking through an interpreter, Kobayashi said, "As the International Federation of Competitive Eating' s number one ranked eater for six years, it is time for me to move on. My current skill set has provided me with an expertise in deep throating phallic objects and swallowing. After taking a career placement test and a few meetings with a career counselor, I believe I could excel in homosexual pornography. While I have not committed to this career, I plan on shadowing a fluffer for the day to develop a better knowledge of the ins and outs of this field." Kobayashi then forced a smile through his solemn countenance and walked away.

After learning about Kobayashi's decision to explore gay pornography, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut, the current champion of Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, has vowed to spend more time focused on academics.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Imus: I Played the Racism Card Prematurely

NEW YORK (AP) - Former radio personality Don Imus held another press conference to express his regret over racist and sexist comments made about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. Imus announced that had he been able to predict the candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, he would have held onto his racism card.

A regretful Imus lamented, "I am ashamed that I played my racism card prematurely. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I need to be more patient. Truthfully, it was an amateur's mistake to use my racism card to talk about women's collegiate basketball. It is common knowledge that since bitches can't dunk, no one is even paying attention to women's basketball." After referring to women as bitches, Imus quickly corrected himself, "Excuse me, I meant to refer to the bitches as wenches."

As reporters responded with confusion, Imus stated, "Basically, had I known a black guy, a woman, a Leprechaun, and a Mormon were going to run for President of the United States, I would have never said those words about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Believe me, I still have a few racist zingers up my sleeve about Barack Obama that would bring the house down or raise the roof, I am not really sure which phrase is more popular with blacks these days. " Imus sighed, "Things just keep getting worse for me. Did you hear that a Jewish guy in New York who made his money running a media empire might run for President?"

Imus concluded his press conference by pleading with the media to retract his previous statements for racist and sexist statements to be made later. After being informed the racism card is not part of a board game that can be traded for later use, Imus accused the Jewish media of being Indian givers.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Financial Advice: Ask A Bear

Q: Hi Noah -- Should I invest in Blackstone stock? Alex M. in Palo Alto, CA

A: Thanks for writing in with a great question Alex. As a UC Berkeley alumnus, I am more than qualified to respond to your inquiry. You might not be know this, but as a Cal Bear, my school has received many accolades in economics and business. With my Berkeley education, I'd recommend that you allow me to manage your entire savings.

Since its recent IPO, Blackstone has been getting a ton of publicity. As a result, my inbox has been flooded with questions about his stock. This guy has been around forever, but it is great to see the financial world giving him some attention. Let's face it, people have been getting dressed for a long time and Mr. Blackstone's list of the best and worst dressed celebrities simply acknowledges the obvious: Everyone wears clothes, but not everyone looks good wearing bling.

I am not sure why Wall Street is behind the curve on Mr. Blackstone, but I have a hunch. Personally, I believe the interest in Blackstone is related to increasingly progressive attitudes towards homosexuality. While it was clear to me that only a homosexual would create an annual list of the worst dressed women, it has not always been cool to be gay. Since Rosie O' Donnell was rumored as a potential successor to host The Price Is Right, it is now mostly cool to be gay on either coast of the United States. Quite simply, more welcoming feelings towards homosexuals have enabled Wall Street to lovingly embrace this fabulous stock.

As a bear, I believe this stock is going to rise over time. While my co-worker has referred to my advice as bull, I find her comments offensive on two fronts. First, I do not appreciate her referring to my advice as bullshit when I know this stock will go up. Additionally, I would like to speak out against her anti-Semitism. Her inappropriate reference to my investment tips as bull is an outdated anti-Semitic stereotype which perpetuates the belief that Jews have horns on their head. If you had a glimpse at my chest, you’d know that I am indeed a bear.

In conclusion, I highly recommend that you buy this stock. As long as nude beaches continue to be a destination for the elderly, attractive people will buy clothes. Unless good-looking people bathe nude, you can count on Mr. Blackstone’s list of best and worst dressed celebrities to impact our culture and our wallets.

Recommendation: BUY NOW!

Please email your questions on investing to

Noah does not know the difference between a bear market and bull market. He is under the impression that as a hairy graduate of UC Berkeley, he is a bear. It is strongly suggested that you do not take his financial advice.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Trump Outraged After Failing To Be Named One of the World's Seven Wonders

NEW YORK (AP) - Donald Trump announced today that he is appalled after failing to be selected to the new list of the seven wonders of the world. Outside of Trump Tower and flanked by his children, Trump addressed a crowd who had gathered to stare at his daughter, Ivanka.

In an attempt to revive his diminishing television career, Trump outsourced a television crew from India to film his public appearance. Glaring into the camera, Trump declared, "I am outraged that I have not been named one of the seven wonders of the world. Personally, I have not heard of Mexico's Chichen Itza Pyramid, but it is a disgrace that Mexican chicken could be considered more wondrous than my new Trump Steaks. Since I have not been included on the list of the seven wonders, everyone should know it was my choice to not be elected to this list. Furthermore, I will be quitting all future campaigns that I fail to win ." Hoping to energize the small crowd staring at his daughter, Trump bit into a raw Trump Steak he had nicknamed 'Rosie.'

Over 90 million votes were registered in the new seven wonders of the world campaign. In addition to Mexico's Chichen Itza Pyramid, the other wonders of the world elected include: The Great Wall of China, Petra in Jordan, Brazil's Statue of Christ the Redeemer, Peru's Machu Picchu, the Colosseum in Rome, and India's Taj Mahal.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Study: Unfortunately Named Marionberry Pie Not Selling Well

(AP) - In a study recently released by the American Institute of Baking (AIB), the unfortunately named Marionberry Pie is the least popular pie in the United States of America. Research indicates that Marionberry Pie, which sold even less units than Prune Whip Pie, had significant sales trouble in the Washington D.C. area.

In a double-blind testing facility, a team of scientists investigated the variables leading to the stagnant sales of Marionberry Pie. "Currently, we have yet to put our finger on the unpopularity of Marionberry Pie, but we know that our results change when subjects know the name of the pie they are tasting," said Jared Chang, Ph.D. While it has yet to be confirmed, it is believed that researchers are drafting a paper on the Marionberry Effect. According to information leaked, the Marionberry Effect causes consumers to snort Marionberry Pie, instead of chewing the dessert. Following the ingestion of Marionberry Pie, consumers are often restless, paranoid, hyperactive, and potentially considering a run for Mayor in a major metropolitan area.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

In the business of saving lives, some people are surprised that I don't have business cards. In those instances, I simply smile and hand them a pack of Live Savers. Since you were probably wondering, I give exotic looking ladies a pack of Tropical Fruits Life Savers.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Bush Commutes The Hamburglar's Prison Sentence

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Shortly after commuting the prison sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, President Bush announced he would be commuting the Hamburglar's jail term. As a result, the Hamburglar's criminal record will not be cleared, but he will not serve time in prison.

The Hamburglar, charged with revealing the identity of the Fry Guy to the American public, will still be required to pay a $250,000 fine. According to the Hamburglar, "Robble, robble, robble. I thank President Bush for commuting my sentence. As I've mentioned previously, I am simply being used as a scapegoat by Grimace. Although I truly love hamburgers and Happy Meal toys, I gave up my association with everything McDonald's when it was revealed the McDonald's Monopoly game was awash in fraud. The identity of the Fry Guy has changed since I left McDonald's, which proves I would not have had access to this information. Robble, robble, robble."

Addressing what is only his fifth commutation during his Presidency, Bush declared the Hamburglar's sentence "harsh, excessive, shocking, and awe-inspiring." The White House cited executive privilege to administer the commutation. Although the White House could have had the case reviewed by the Justice Department, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could not recall ever eating at McDonald's. As a result, the Department of Justice did not involve itself in the case.

The Bush Administration has been under immense pressure to discuss the internal link between the White House and the source of the top secret leak. In June 2003, reporter Robert Novak revealed the true identity of the Fry Guy in his column, Douchebag of Liberty.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Man Insists New iPhone Will Bathe Him

PALO ALTO (AP) - On Friday, the longing experienced by thousands of virgins reached climax with the release of Apple's new iPhone. Virgins lined the streets outside of Apple stores across the nation hoping to discover what pornography looks like on a fancy version of the iPod. Unfortunately, cities were unequipped to deal with the consequences of a myriad of virgins adapting to natural sunlight. Due to sunlight exposure, many virgins became delirious about the capabilities of the iPhone. One delirious virgin, Harold Brouwer, proclaimed that his new iPhone would surely bathe him.

Brouwer, 29, became delirious shortly after purchasing an iPhone. Following his purchase, Brouwer realized his iPhone was useless without an exclusive cell phone contract with AT&T. Baffled as to whether or not he would be able to transfer his T-Mobile Favorite 5 to his iPhone, Brouwer explained that the $599 phone would be worth it when it bathes him. "Do you think that I would spend all day in the sun to buy a gadget that allows me to make a phone call while listening to Limp Bizkit? Obviously, you are missing the whole point. This fine piece of technology is the world's most compact shower," said Brouwer. Brouwer proceeded to hold the iPhone over his head while he pretended to scrub his legs with soap ensuring he goes another decade without touching a woman.

Mr. Brouwer's behavior created such commotion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has stated that next month's iPhone 2.0, which will render the current iPhone useless, will most likely bathe virgins.