Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do

ALBUQUERQE, NM (AP) - In an attempt to energize his bid for President, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson unveiled a new campaign slogan. The slogan, 'Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won't Do' unintentionally catalyzed discussion about illegal immigration.

Standing outside of an Albuquerque-based Home Depot, Richardson let the American people know he is actively looking for work. “I am asking the people of the United States to employ me to be their next President. No one in their right mind wants to be President of the United States, which is why I have chosen Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do as my new campaign slogan. In fact, not only do I have all of my candidacy papers right here, but I am willing to do this job for half the cost of the other candidates,” said Governor Richardson.

Richardson addressed voters by pointing out the differences between him and the other candidates. A candid Richardson mentioned, “Is everyone fucking crazy? A Senator hasn’t been elected President since Kennedy. It is ridiculous that the three leading Democratic candidates are all Senators while the leading Republican candidates have experience in the Executive branch of government. Do you really want the Republicans to win the Presidency again?!?”

Richardson pleaded, “Look, I understand that minority candidates are cool right now, but why has everyone forgotten that I am half Mexican? It might be my Anglo-Saxon name, but I swear that I am a minority too! It’s like I need to bang a dude to get some attention over here.”

The announcement from the Richardson campaign sparked a strong response from Republican presidential candidates. Rudy Giuliani, who pledged to end all illegal immigration as President, was the first Republican to respond to the Richardson campaign.

“If we elect a New Mexican to be President, al Qaeda will exploit our porous borders. This threat solidifies my commitment to put an end to illegal immigration. If elected, I promise to end all illegal immigration by Septembering the 11th,” stated a determined Giuliani.

Also quick to respond to the Richardson campaign was Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo. Tancredo, who not only accidentally deported Jesus, but recently declared he’d bomb Islamic holy sites as a method of retaliating against a terrorist attack, had a fierce reaction to the Richardson campaign slogan.

“We cannot, under any circumstances, allow Bill Richardson to be President of the United States of America. His mother is Mexican and he is from New Mexico…Holy Shit! That’s like one and a half Mexicans in one person,” said Tancredo.

Confusing Spanish and Pig Latin, Tancredo concluded, “Bill Ichardson-ray for Resident-pay sounds like a mucho problemo for the American economyway.”

Surprising many, Senator John McCain did not comment on the Richardson statement. Although unconfirmed, it has been reported that McCain, who finished next to last in this week’s Iowa straw poll, was seen drunk and depressed sitting behind the wheel of his campaign bus ‘The Straight Talk Express’. Reportedly, McCain had pulled alongside the road to mix a few drinks outside of the campaign bus, which now features recent graffiti declaring the bus ‘The Fellate Cock Express’.