Thursday, December 6, 2007

Study: Vegetarianism Found To Be A Gateway Drug To Veganism


SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - In an alarming study published by the Malnutrition Experts Network (MEN), the anti-social condition known as vegetarianism is now believed to be the first step to a debilitating disease known as veganism.

The groundbreaking study by MEN negates previously held theories that vegetarians, while unpleasant to eat with and visit the zoo with, are basically innocuous. According to research by MEN, it is now known that many vegetarians progress to more extreme forms of self-righteousness as time progresses.

Related forms of crippling self-righteousness that could induce veganism include: pescetarianism and pollotarianism. In the case of pescetarianism, an individual abstains from eating animals that are not fish. In this condition, the individual fails to acknowledge that fish are animals because fish cannot be pet or cuddled. In the rare instance of pollotarianism, the person infected with pollotarianism adheres to a diet free of animals except poultry. Research provided by MEN suggests that pollotarianism is a genetic disease that is the result of breeding between a Mormon and a Scientologist.

The condition of veganism is known to be the most self-righteous, debilitating disease on the planet. Due to the extreme nature of the condition, little is known about the ramifications of veganism. MEN believe that veganism can create a social condition known as isolation. Furthermore, it is believed that once a person has reached the point in their life where they label themselves a vegan, they can no longer be helped.

Often times, becoming a vegan is a cry for help that many friends and family members are unable to address in a productive matter. Said one man who recently lost his girlfriend to veganism, "If she wanted my attention, all she needed to do was dress slutty."

6 comments:

Dan said...

Leave it to MEN to come up with such studies. This is hilarious!

infotech said...

LOL... loads of nonsense!!!
Funny, though!

Krista said...

I wonder if this will create backlash among your vegetarian support base. Is this your way of telling me you’re not willing to go out to dinner with me anymore?

Noah said...

Krista,

Thank you for proving that attacking my base will lead them to leave comments on the site. It lets me know that I should continue to antagonize my friends. With that said, I will continue to eat dinner with you.

Lisa, Tim, Sharada, Alegria, and all the other vegetarians that I know, I'm also open to eating with you, but I will continue to roll my eyes if you ask for a vegetarian menu.

gravitational waves said...

Tell me more about this organization: Malnutrition Experts Network (MEN). It sounds like a fantastic group doing great work

Noah said...

Gravitational waves,

Thanks for leaving a comment. Malnutrition Experts Network, better known as MEN, is an organization that one can only enter if given a certain birthright. Generally, MEN spend their time eating red meat, engaging in conversation about sports, but not in a homoerotic way, and not listening. Although members of the organization are picked at birth, in rare occasions, an individual can be deemed a Malnutrition Apprenticeship Neophyte(MAN)if they truly believe they exhibited the characteristics of MEN, despite lacking the specific birthright.

Hope that gives some more insight into MEN.