Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Actual Interviews is a new feature where I interview a celebrity who has already given a real interview to a journalist. Now, I ask the questions, but use their actual answers in a way that is completely out of context and most likely libel.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Noah: Sorry, I was late, but I had to sit through the movie From Justin to Kelly with the little girl that I mentor.

Kanye West: Oh, man, I love that movie so much.

NB: Hmm...I wouldn't have guessed that would be your style. Can you tell me what's on your Christmas wish list this year?

KW: Where's my 'Beam me up, Scotty' machine?

NB: I don't think those are real Kanye, I believe that was a gimmick used in the television show Stark Trek.

KW: I don't know what's going on.

NB: I'm beginning to sense that. I know 2007 has been a difficult year for Kanye West, but outside of your personal loss, which is understandably tough, is there anything you wish had happened in 2007 that did not happen?

KW: I wanted flying cars. I wanted hover boards. I wanted Nikes with a bunch of air bubbles on them, but I never wanted to dress like Tupac.

NB: Do you have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wouldn't expect a politician to be able to recite the third verse on my album.

NB: That seems pretty reasonable to me. If you don't follow politics closely, what do you take an avid interest in?

KW: Right now that news on Yahoo! is about an underwater pumpkin-carving contest.

NB: Honestly, I am not even sure if I have a response to that statement.

KW: I go anywhere from optimistic to borderline delusional.

NB: I think we seem to be close to borderline delusional right now.

KW: Will cars be solar-powered?

NB: Yeah, definitely borderline delusional. As we conclude, any thoughts about 2008?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wanted to be a designer before I wanted to a be a rapper.

NB: Interesting, but it still doesn't explain your fascination with underwater pumpkin-carving contests.

KW: There will be so few, if any.

NB: Very true. Thanks for your time Kanye.

*** - Actual interview conducted by Austin Scaggs for Rolling Stone, Issue 1039.

Kanye West: George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Friday

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In a shocking statement entertainer Kanye West firmly declared, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday." West's statement came in reaction to a statement made by President Bush regarding his plans to shop for the holidays on the day after Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.

Bush, in response to a question posed by the press, detailed his wishes from Santa this holiday season. "I really wanna get me one of those Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock games. I loved The Rock in that movie The Game Plan. In fact, I devised America's latest exit strategy from studying The Game Plan," said Bush.

West explained his outrage in regards to Bush's Christmas list in a public announcement while standing next to an extremely uncomfortable Mike Myers. On live television, West announced, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday. We need a President that supports all aspects of the economy, not just video games. For example, George Bush should buy my new album Graduation to make sure that 50 Cent knows that he got spanked by a preppy black guy. Also, George Bush knows that a black kid hasn't been interested in learning guitar since Prince. Therefore, his decision to play this game specifically geared towards white kids proves my previous statement that George Bush doesn't care about black people."



West concluded his television appearance by demanding that he be given the award for Best Portrayal of Shrek by an actor named Mike Myers.

Fred Thompson Polling Well With Non-Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Days after officially entering the Republican race for President, a new poll shows former Senator Fred Thompson is receiving high favorability numbers among people who definitely don't give a damn about voting.

Thompson, who enters the race months after other Presidential candidates, declared his candidacy while sitting on the couch of The Tonight Show. "You know, I guess I'll give running a Presidential campaign a shot...Boy, this couch is comfortable, is this pleather?" Thompson asked Jay Leno.

Thompson, who made his announcement on the same night of a Republican debate in New Hampshire, briefly discussed his feelings towards debating. Thompson explained, "Jay, to be honest, the whole debating part of the campaign really doesn't interest me. The fundraising events are pretty dope though because they serve free food and I can nap beforehand." As Jay Leno announced a commercial break, Thompson crawled into the fetal position to take a power nap before the next guest was introduced.

Polls show Thompson's appeal as an everyday American resonates with people too lazy to make concrete decisions. "Dude, Fred Thomas is the man. He understands that my day is filled with choices like is Myspace better than Facebook or should I buy the Kanye West album or 50 Cent album released this week. Obviously, I am a busy guy and I don't have time to vote, but if I did, I feel Frank Thompson's inability to really know what he wants resonates with my generation," stated someone too old to be spending his afternoon in Best Buy playing a Nintendo Wii.