NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

Ahmadinejad Addresses Pakistan in Final Appearance Before Writers Strike

By Matt Kaufman & Noah Berkowitz

MEMPHIS (NB) - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran and comedian, performed a stand-up gig yesterday in Tennessee as an impending writers strike loomed over the entertainment industry.

"Tonight was likely my last opportunity to get some work in before the writers go on strike. Sure, I write a lot of my own material, but I work with a team of anti-Semites to come up with new material. With the strike pending, I had to do one last gig with the help of my comedy writers," said Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad utilized the appearance to weigh in on the current situation in Pakistan. Over the weekend, President Pervez Musharraf declared martial law and suspended Pakistan's constitution indefinitely. Launching into new material that clearly payed homage to Jerry Seinfeld, Ahmadinejad stated, "What's the deal with things in Islamabad, Pakistan? I mean is it Islam or is it bad?" Although the Tennessee crowd seemed uninterested in international events, Ahmadinejad continued, "The President of Pakistan is named Musharraf. If you ask me, it sounds like what they really need is a New Sharraf in town!"

While Ahmadinejad's performance was symbolic of how many comedy fans could be impacted by the writers strike, it was announced that one show would continue despite the upcoming strike. In a press release from Comedy Central, the network declared that Carlos Mencia's show Mind of Mencia will continue to be produced despite the writers strike because the show is written by a team of mentally impaired gerbils who are not affiliated with Writers Guild of America.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

After I spent last week lobbying Comedy Central to cancel that awful show Mind of Mencia, I flew home this weekend. On the plane, my flight attendant Lisa informed the passengers that in the event of an emergency, women and children would exit the plane first.

What a bunch of bullshit. I wonder which lawyer came up with that ridiculous policy. What good are women and children without a doctor to save their lives?

In fact, I think the Titanic had so few survivors because women and children were given priority during evacuation. After all, it is common knowledge that children aren't doctors.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Comedy Central: We Thought Mencia Was Horatio Sanz

NEW YORK (AP) - In an attempt to clear up years of confusion, Comedy Central has published an official press release in to explain its decision to air the series Mind of Mencia. According to Comedy Central's Executive Vice President Tony Fox, the series has been on television simply because Comedy Central mistook Carlos Mencia for a svelte Horatio Sanz.

"At Comedy Central, it has come to our recent attention that we have made a huge mistake. We were very surprised to learn that Mind of Mencia does not star a sort of trim Horatio Sanz. Truthfully, we had never watched this show, but signed a contract with the assumption that Horatio Sanz would be a Latin Chris Farley. Sadly, we were wrong on many counts. After sitting through another Mind of Mencia commerical featuring midgets and Carlos Mencia in drag, we have realized our error and apologize to our viewers," said Fox.

Comedy Central will attempt to fill the time slot occupied by Mind of Mencia with unreleased footage of Dave Chappelle shopping for groceries. This footage, which will be narrated by Charlie Murphy, is believed to feature Chappelle repulsed to find out that Count Chocula is a pale, caucasian vampire.