Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Hillary, Stop Faking It

Based on the other time I had sex, I’m confident I can recognize when a woman is faking enthusiasm. Therefore, I understand why Hillary Clinton’s inevitability as the Democratic nominee for President is suddenly tenuous. As a coital expert, I know Clinton’s vulnerability in the polls is directly linked to the way she is perceived by men. Quite simply, Hillary’s lack of authenticity strikes a chord near and dear to all men - she is faking it!

For example, let’s take that manufactured laugh on display during your stump speech and debates. I’d recognize that noise anywhere. It is the same sound people make when being forced to watch Mind of Mencia. It’s just not genuine.

Perhaps Hillary had a bad relationship before and is compensating for her insecurities, but there’s no need to plant softball questions at town-hall events. It’s the political equivalent of stuffing your bra. It’s certainly not authentic and it makes us question the other ways Clinton may manifest her insecurities. Is she going to rake away the benefits of social security with her political teeth if we forget her State of the Union address again? Hillary’s carefully crafted image leaves me with serious doubts about the candidate’s confidence and credibility. Sure, Hillary Clinton can hit a planted softball question out of the park, but it’s kind of like finding out your girlfriend’s ex is black. It’s impressive, but not in a comfortable way.

As a male voter, I need to know a female candidate’s favorite positions on policy issues. Is Hillary going to recite a list of positions she assumes I’d enjoy just so I’ll commit my vote? Hillary, please don’t tell me Iran’s Revolutionary Guard is a terrorist organization because you think I’d like the missionary accomplished position. If you aren’t genuine, I promise our relationship won’t last more than four years. For the record, I totally prefer diplomacy style.

Hillary can still win the nomination, but she needs to convince my gender that her favorite positions on policy issues will still be her favorite positions once we commit our vote. Unfortunately, until she stops faking it, I will continue to experience the following nightmare that leads me to keep a bottle of Advil by my bed.

Noah: Can I ask you something?

Hillary: Sure, you can ask me anything you want.

Noah: Great! I really appreciate that you are so receptive.

Hillary: Oh, you have no idea just how receptive I can be.

Noah: So…what are you into?

Hillary: Well, I’m so into giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants.

Noah: Wow! I love that too. It’s like my favorite thing.

Hillary: Yeah, it’s just really important to me in a representative/constituent relationship.

Noah: It’s so nice to talk to someone who enjoys it as much as me. Should we give it a try?

Hillary: You know, I don’t think so. I don’t really do that.

Noah: What? You just told me you are into it.

Hillary: I know, but I meant I only give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants when I’m in love.

Just because I live in a blue state does not mean I’m willing to be policy blue balled by a candidate.

Clinton’s lack of authenticity is so prevalent that she is unable to take a firm position on matters that have seemingly nothing to do with the upcoming election. In an Associated Press article published on December 7, Clinton was asked to name the foods that she hates. Hillary responded, “I like nearly everything.” Now if that isn’t faking it, then knowing all the words to Single White Shemale does not make me a coital expert. Obviously, when Hillary is asked what she hates putting in her mouth, we all know the correct answer is Bill.

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