Thursday, November 29, 2007

New Clinton Slogan: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty

NEW YORK (NB) - As Hillary Clinton's polling numbers continue to slip in both Iowa and New Hampshire, the Clinton campaign has launched an aggressive blitz in an attempt to push momentum forward. In addition to taking laughing lessons from James Lipton, Clinton unveiled a new campaign slogan this week. The new slogan, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty, is a bid to portray Clinton as the candidate with the biggest balls.

Wearing an asbestos-colored pant suit, Clinton unveiled her new slogan in the company of Janet Reno and Rosie O'Donnell. "As the candidate toughest on important American issues such as defense, I believe my femininity must no longer be a focus of this campaign. Naturally, the media wants to address my gender the same way they point out that Senator Obama is too black, but somehow not black enough. Therefore, in an effort to minimize my femininity, I'd like to use my new slogan to draw attention to John Edwards' femininity. From this day forward, my new slogan is officially, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty," said Clinton.

Clinton proceeded to discuss her attributes as a candidate by stating she would be tough on Iran, could beat you in an eating contest, and, if necessary, could pee standing up.

In response to Clinton's new strategy, her rivals, Barack Obama and John Edwards, both declined to offer a response through their campaign spokespeople. The Obama campaign reiterated that Senator Obama would only attack Senator Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Meanwhile, the Edwards campaign noted Senator Edwards could not issue a comment because he was on vacation in the other America that he so frequently discusses in his stump speech.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world, but loses on Dancing with the Stars?

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Trent Lott Retires After Running Out of Black Jokes

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - After thirty-five years in Congress, Mississippi Senator Trent Lott has announced he would be resigning at the end of this year. Citing his reason for retirement, Senator Lott claimed to have run out of jokes about African-Americans.

"Sometimes the well just runs dry. I've really made huge steps in the way American policy addresses defense and fiscal responsibility, but I haven't come up with an original joke about black people in three years. Sure, I've got some new ones about gays and Jews, but that's not my shtick. Therefore, I think I should end on a racism high note. It's kind of like how you wouldn't want to see Jon Stewart do physical comedy," said Lott.

In related news, Congressman Tom Tancredo will continue his run for President because he just heard this great one about why Mexicans can't be firemen.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Kanye West: George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Friday

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In a shocking statement entertainer Kanye West firmly declared, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday." West's statement came in reaction to a statement made by President Bush regarding his plans to shop for the holidays on the day after Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.

Bush, in response to a question posed by the press, detailed his wishes from Santa this holiday season. "I really wanna get me one of those Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock games. I loved The Rock in that movie The Game Plan. In fact, I devised America's latest exit strategy from studying The Game Plan," said Bush.

West explained his outrage in regards to Bush's Christmas list in a public announcement while standing next to an extremely uncomfortable Mike Myers. On live television, West announced, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday. We need a President that supports all aspects of the economy, not just video games. For example, George Bush should buy my new album Graduation to make sure that 50 Cent knows that he got spanked by a preppy black guy. Also, George Bush knows that a black kid hasn't been interested in learning guitar since Prince. Therefore, his decision to play this game specifically geared towards white kids proves my previous statement that George Bush doesn't care about black people."

West concluded his television appearance by demanding that he be given the award for Best Portrayal of Shrek by an actor named Mike Myers.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

What I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving

As many of you spend your Thanksgiving day remembering why you've moved far away from various family members, I've taken the time to reflect on the things that have truly made my life better.

Recently, I've learned, thanks to toys made in China, it is no longer necessary to purchase roofies to enjoy dating. While this revelation has enabled me to stock up on children's toys at discount prices, it doesn't begin to touch upon the elements of life that really impact me on a daily basis. And when I refer to the elements of life that impact me on a daily basis, I am talking about the homeless. As someone who lives in a City, homeless people like to ask me for selfish things like "help" and "change" frequently. In fact, it is a challenge just to leave the house and not feel guilty about having the choice to bathe in public.

Luckily, thanks to Apple, I no longer have to pay attention to the homeless. Therefore, I'm spending my Thanksgiving saluting the new iPod. That's right, the new iPod comes with a much larger video screen to ensure that I never have to feel uncomfortable ignoring the homeless.

Sure, I could ignore the homeless before on my old iPod. It wasn't too hard because I could turn up the music loud enough so I could not hear the homeless, but I could still see them! Believe me, it made for some awkward moments. Fortunately, I am horrible at reading lips, which means that when the homeless asked for food and I responded with a thoughtful, "Yeah, I am sure you want booze," it usually led to an abrupt end to another awkward conversation with the homeless.

Thankfully, Steve Jobs hates the homeless as much as I do, which is why the new iPod features an enhanced video screen. As a result, I no longer have to make eye contact with anyone that I don't find attractive. Call it a coincidence, but I haven't seen a homeless person in San Francisco since the new iPod was released. It's not that they don't exist, it's just that I don't have to acknowledge them anymore because now I can watch Carrie Underwood videos as I walk through this beautiful City.

If, like me, you are uncomfortable by people who don't look like you, I encourage you to spend Thanksgiving being thankful for the new iPod. Go pick one up! You'll never have to talk to that guy on the bus who always says hello, your co-worker with an obvious birth defect, and most definitely the homeless. So until Apple releases an iPod that makes sure we can't smell old people, we should all be thankful for a device that easily allows us to avoid awkward interaction. Just remember to take your eyes off the new iPod when crossing the street.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

TV Gets Worse: Larry King Interviews Himself

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In what continues to be an unfortunate month for television, CNN's Larry King was forced to interview himself after his guest walked off his show.

Declining to answer King's questions, Dr. Jan Adams, the physician who operated on Kanye West's mother the day before she passed away, abruptly ended what was sure to be another unbearable interview with Larry King. Dr. Adams stated that he would respect the wishes of the West family and not conduct the interview on national television. As a consequence, Larry King attempted to interview himself for the remainder of the program.

King proceeded to conduct an interview that reminded many of his June interview with the remaining Beatles. King asked, "Barry where were you when your mother died?" King then answered his own questions after taking the time to run over to the other side of his interview table. King responded, "My name is actually Larry." Before having the opportunity to answer his own question, King blurted out, "Are you fearless Harry?"

The interview continued to deteriorate as King seemed unfamiliar with his own resume. Recalling this month's interview with Jerry Seinfeld, King asked himself, "How long have you been embarrassing yourself on MSNBC?" With exasperation King responded, "I am not fearless, but it is tough to make me flustered."

In related news, CNN will spend Thanksgiving being thankful that Anderson Cooper's level of hotness negates Larry King's lack of journalistic integrity.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Why doesn't a version of Thanksgiving exist for doctors? On a daily basis, I make an impact on the lives of regular people, yet I have to share National Doctor's Day with Ph.D.s. It is appalling!

I think medical doctors should get their own Thanksgiving and it should be called either Cinco de Lifeo or Columbus Day. Because when you are a doctor, everyday you discover a new world.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Bonds' Attorney: SF Giants' World Series Trophy Will Testify for Bonds

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - Following last week's indictment of Barry Bonds, Michael Rains, Bonds' defense attorney has revealed part of his strategy to see that his client is not found guilty. According to Rains, the defense is relying heavily upon the testimony of the San Francisco Giants' World Series Trophy.

Rains discussed his strategy with skeptical members of the press who pointed out that the San Francisco Giants have never won the World Series. "You get it? That's the whole point! Don't you think if my client had been using performance enhancing drugs the team would have won the World Series? I mean...come on! I know that other members of Giants' teams like Matt Williams and Benito Santiago have been accused of using performance enhancing drugs, but it is common knowledge that any decent team with multiple cheaters would have been able to win the World Series just once," stated Rains.

Besides the testimony of the fictional trophy, the Hulk and He-Man are expected to testify on behalf of Bonds noting the use of similar work out programs.

Bonds, who was not available for comment, released a statement that he would spend this week being thankful for form-fitting stretch fabrics.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

You Shouldn't Have Sex With Me

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yes, the picture above is actually me. No, I didn't Photoshop the only decent picture I have of myself and post it online, my friend Avi did it for me.

Right about now some of you might be experiencing a warm feeling in your lap. In all likelihood, it’s your laptop. For safety precautions, I strongly recommend that you move the computer away from your body and on to a neutral surface. Oh yeah, safety is sexy. Speaking of sexy, let's get back to me.

Perhaps you can't tell from my Semitic eyebrows and lack of foreskin, but I am Jewish. Now as evidenced from my willingness to explain why you shouldn't have sex with me, you can tell I'm a traditional guy, which is why the history and customs of the Jewish people are important to me. Therefore, when I have a family, I will raise a Jewish family. Sadly, unless you are part of the .002 percent of the Earth that is Jewish, I need to let you know that probably, well maybe, we shouldn't have sex.

Look, I want to bang you too, but you shouldn't, I mean probably shouldn't, have sex with me. I'm just trying to think long-term here and I want you to understand that the world through my eyes is just a bunch of people that I shouldn't, well possibly, shouldn't have sex with. I know from the expression on your face that you are extremely disappointed, but to lessen the shock to your system, I've created a little guide below. If you use the guide correctly, you can look up your denomination and then understand why we should never, well you can never say never, have sex.

* It is very important to note the guide below only refers to sex and most definitely does not include other forms of sexual contact.

Buddhism - You believe enlightenment can be achieved if an individual can transcend suffering. The only thing more Jewish than suffering is remembering our suffering, which is what Jews call holidays. I'll see you at the S&M party where you are transcending and I'm kvetching, but this won't work.

Christianity - “Jesus Christ, this is hard,” is such a confusing thing to hear in bed. Since the Jewish people don’t refer to God by name and the phrase Jesus Christ is tossed around more casually than Paris Hilton, I’m not entirely sure whether you are aroused, praying, or trying to convert me. Maybe you could come up with some more neutral phrases in the bedroom and call me. Just a suggestion, but everyone loves music so try calling out something innocuous like flute solo or rusty trombone.

Hinduism - I am a little concerned about whether or not you can be faithful. Technically, you are devoted to one God, but you also accept the existence of other gods. This sounds like a religious gang bang to me. By the way, I think I responded to your Craigslist ad back in 2004.

Islam - Just a hunch, but I don't think you'd be pleased if I occupied your territory.

Scientology - Actually, if you believe this to be a religion, you are more than capable of making one more bad decision in your life. We should probably have sex.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

We Googled It: Yahoo CEO Denies Questionable Relations With China

(NB) - As Congress investigates whether or not Yahoo has inappropriately turned over user information to the Chinese government, Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang articulated a convincing argument to deny Yahoo's culpability in the case.

The investigation, which has hurt Yahoo stock, exposes Yahoo of supporting Chinese policies that quell free speech in the attempt to establish a relationship with the emerging superpower. The attention has forced Yang to defend Yahoo's practices.

"Of course Yahoo didn't turn over user information that enabled the Chinese government to jail Chinese journalists that happened to be pro-democracy advocates. Yes, I turned over some information to China, but I found that information on Google," said Yang.

A defensive Yang continued, "Let's be honest, when you need information, you go to Google and not Yahoo. I know Yahoo is not responsible for abusing the privacy of our users because absolutely no one uses Yahoo as a search engine anymore. In fact, to find the information that we might have given to China, I'd have to turn on my Apple IIc computer to look for the files. Yahoo's relevance has diminished so much with time that Color Me Badd was the musical guest at our annual user's conference this past year."

Yang admitted that the only time he has used Yahoo this past year was to play fantasy football, but noted that his team, The Carolina Communists, has been significantly hurt by injuries.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for O.J. to get a hotel room on the Las Vegas strip.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Monday, November 5, 2007

Ahmadinejad Addresses Pakistan in Final Appearance Before Writers Strike

By Matt Kaufman & Noah Berkowitz

MEMPHIS (NB) - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran and comedian, performed a stand-up gig yesterday in Tennessee as an impending writers strike loomed over the entertainment industry.

"Tonight was likely my last opportunity to get some work in before the writers go on strike. Sure, I write a lot of my own material, but I work with a team of anti-Semites to come up with new material. With the strike pending, I had to do one last gig with the help of my comedy writers," said Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad utilized the appearance to weigh in on the current situation in Pakistan. Over the weekend, President Pervez Musharraf declared martial law and suspended Pakistan's constitution indefinitely. Launching into new material that clearly payed homage to Jerry Seinfeld, Ahmadinejad stated, "What's the deal with things in Islamabad, Pakistan? I mean is it Islam or is it bad?" Although the Tennessee crowd seemed uninterested in international events, Ahmadinejad continued, "The President of Pakistan is named Musharraf. If you ask me, it sounds like what they really need is a New Sharraf in town!"

While Ahmadinejad's performance was symbolic of how many comedy fans could be impacted by the writers strike, it was announced that one show would continue despite the upcoming strike. In a press release from Comedy Central, the network declared that Carlos Mencia's show
Mind of Mencia will continue to be produced despite the writers strike because the show is written by a team of mentally impaired gerbils who are not affiliated with Writers Guild of America.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Giuliani Mistakenly Attacks Trick-or-Treaters

(NB) - In what is likely to create a public relations nightmare for the Giuliani for President campaign, Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani attacked a group of children dressed as aliens on Halloween.

Following his October 14 promise to prepare the United States to fight an alien invasion (, Giuliani had the opportunity to keep his word when he passed a group of five elementary school children in Halloween costumes walking from house to house collecting candy. Assuming it was an alien invasion and aliens would obviously thrive off of Reese's Pieces, Giuliani clotheslined three kids while drop-kicking two other children.

Immediately after Giuliani took down the group of children, he boisterously pumped his fist and asked his aide to check the day's date. As the aide informed Giuliani of the October 31 date, Giuliani's face lit up with an epiphany.

"I am not the least bit surprised that we were attacked on the 31 after being attacked on the 11 of September. Clearly, the terrorists hate prime numbers like they hate our freedom. Prime numbers, like American freedom, are indivisible by outside forces or numbers such as 1 or the prime number itself," declared a triumphant Giuliani.

Following Giuliani's prime number monologue, the aide informed Giuliani that October 31 is Halloween and the small alien creatures were actually a group of local children.

The Giuliani campaign states that in the fast paced environment of campaigning, Giuliani momentarily forgot that yesterday was Halloween. At the same time, they note that Giuliani demonstrated that he is the only candidate equipped to protect the United States on prime number dates.

According to the Giuliani campaign, Rudy Giuliani is expected to issue an apology sometime later today. Based on information from unnamed sources, it is believed Giuliani will ask for forgiveness and emphasize that he simply lost track of the date. As one unnamed campaign staffer said, "If Mayor Giuliani had known it was Halloween, he would have absolutely been dressed in drag."

As the kids were rushed off to the hospital for treatment, one trick-or-treater explained that he now completely understands why Giuliani's daughter supports Barack Obama for President.