Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Long Overdue, Jay-Z Gets His 100th Problem

NEW YORK (NB) - After years of having ninety-nine problems, rapper Jay-Z acknowledged in a press conference today that he recently acquired a new problem. With the admission of his new problem, Jay-Z's problems now total one hundred.

Already plagued by the rap patrol on the gat patrol and foes that wanna make sure his casket's closed, the nature of Jay-Z's latest problem left many attending the press conference quite surprised.

"I am a little bit saddened to announce that I now have one hundred problems. While I still have rap mags try to use my black ass, I am now irked by something much greater," said Jay-Z.

As he took a deep sigh, he continued, "Last night, I tried to cook salmon on the George Foreman grill and I can't get the smell of fish out of my house. Not only is the smell driving me crazy, but now I can't get anyone to come over my house and party with Jigga. Damn, this shit is vexing me! Even worse, I am not having any luck cleaning the George Foreman grill. It's like it only cooked one side of what I put on the grill and then I can't even scrape the grilled fish off. This is just so much worse than back in '94 when in my rearview mirror was the motherfucking law. "

As the event concluded, Jay-Z was escorted out of the event by former rapper turned chauffeur Skee-Lo who was overheard mumbling something regarding a wish to be a little bit taller, a baller, and the guy not responsible for eliminating the fish smell from Jay-Z's house.

Despite his one hundredth problem not being a bitch, Jay-Z left the press conference moderately distressed.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Neil Wendall, Pick-Up Artist/Astrophysicist

Hot diggity! I haven't seen curves that impressive since I last witnessed the light curve of an eclipsing binary star.

Um...I am not that good at talking to girls.

Neil Wendall is Vermont's most eligible astrophysicist bachelor. If you can help him find love, leave a comment.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Chuck Norris Still Endorsing Things

DALLAS (NB) - After receiving significant media attention for his endorsement of Republican candidate Mike Huckabee for President of the United States, Chuck Norris has attempted to stage a comeback by releasing a flurry of endorsements.

Norris, a martial arts expert who had starred in the television show Walker, Texas Ranger, proudly discussed his strategy for enhancing his profile.

"Endorsing Mike Huckabee for President has really motivated people to talk about Chuck Norris again and not in a Walker, Texas Ranger embarrassing kind of way. It's led me to an epiphany about the power of endorsements. Before, I would just recommend Chili's Awesome Blossom to my friends, but now I let everyone know that Chuck Norris officially endorses the Awesome Blossom found at Chili's restaurants. It's really terrific...I mean awesome," stated an excited Norris.

Norris also noted that he endorses The Rock to stop beating him out for movies he should certainly be cast in, Mountain Dew, and his wife to use a little less salt in her cooking.

While the Huckabee for President campaign did not respond to the Norris endorsement, Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo was disappointed he did not win the coveted Norris endorsement.

Congressman Tancredo said, "I am disappointed that I did not receive the Chuck Norris endorsement. Obviously, as someone who hates Mexicans, I am a huge proponent of Walker, Texas Ranger patrolling our Southern borders. With that said, I still believe we will win the endorsement of Dog the Bounty Hunter."

In response to all of the media attention focused on the Chuck Norris endorsement, Mr. T announced he would endorse anyone who would give him a job.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ron Paul Event Leaves Thousands of College Students Confused

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

BERKELEY, CA (NB) - This week, thousands of college students from the University of California at Berkeley left a Ron Paul for President event in complete dismay. Expecting to attend a concert by reggae artist Sean Paul, many UC Berkeley students did not realize their error until the Ron Paul field staff disassembled the Republican presidential candidate's speaking platform.

Apparently, students at Berkeley were unable to recognize Ron Paul for various reasons. Scott Weisberg, a sixth-year student, discussed his confusion. "First, that old guy who spoke looks a whole lot like Chancellor Birgeneau. I just assumed the Chancellor was Sean Paul's opening act. Also, I was really high," said Weisberg. Weisberg nonchalantly scratched his head as he walked away from the crowd barefoot.

Other students caught on to their folly quickly. "Man, I really wanted to hear the song Gimme the Light, but the old guy kept talking about the gold standard. Sure, I see a loose connection about how gold, if held at the right angle, might shine in a way where you can give someone the light, but once the country music started, I knew we were being punk'd," said sophomore Gina Lee.

While Lee had hoped to see a concert by Sean Paul, she said the afternoon was not a total loss. Lee stated, "If you follow my drift, the whole crowd was more than prepared for the song We Be Burnin. Yeah, I had to listen to the old guy explain why the United States should withdraw from NAFTA, but whatever, I still got really high."

As word spread about the thousands of students who mistakenly gathered to hear Ron Paul speak, other candidates met with their campaigns to develop a plan on how to mislead thousands of people into attending their events. While the Giuliani campaign is rumored to be discussing a numerical scheme to mislead potential voters, only the Mike Huckabee campaign released an official plan to misinform registered voters. According to the Huckabee for President campaign, Huckabee has cut and paste his face onto the cover of every DVD copy of the movie I Heart Huckabees.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Now and then, I think back to my days in medical school and wonder if I should have picked a different specialty. I considered emergency medicine, but the phrase is too superfluous for my taste. Who has ever heard of a non-medical emergency?

I also considered pediatrics, but I felt like I couldn't make as much of a difference saving mini-lives all day long. Don't get me wrong though, I love babies. In fact, one time I saved a set of twins from being identical.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Valueless Americans Push Crude Oil to New Heights

NEW YORK (NB) - Following years of reality television, Paris Hilton, and Limp Bizkit, the lack of family values permeating American culture has left an impact on the price of oil. As a story broke regarding the latest news on the most recent O.J. Simpson arrest, it was announced that crude oil is now the most expensive and popular form of oil in the United States.

American Idol's Simon Cowell, who is neither American nor an Idol, explained America's fascination with crude oil. "I don't mean to be rude, but Americans are finally indulging in their repressed sexuality by embracing crude oil. It is sticky, dark, and thick, which helps explain why Star Jones has been embraced by America. Clearly, more repressed oils like heating oil or vegetable oil just cannot provide Americans with the dirt that they crave," said Cowell.

As crude oil prices climbed to a record high of over $86 per barrel, many prominent Americans evaluated the impact of crude oil prices on American culture.

Television news anchor and culture warrior Bill O'Reilly expressed his disgust at the news that some Americans prefer crude oil. O'Reilly stated, "The very values that created America are under attack. A select few Americans perpetuate the belief that it's cool to be crude. Traveling the country promoting my new book Culture Warrior, I've been pleasantly surprised to see that not everyone embraces crude oil. For example, I was at a gas station in Harlem and I was shocked to find that African Americans weren't asking for some motherfucking crude oil. Honestly, it was no different than asking for oil in a predominantly Caucasian neighborhood." O'Reilly smiled as he ordered some motherfucking iced tea at Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem.

Although the recent demand for crude oil has concerned some Americans, others point out that the demand has created a market for alternative forms of oil. Scheduled to be released before the end of the calendar year are Dude Oil, an oil for homosexual men and Prude Oil, which will only be sold at local monasteries.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Turkey to Withdraw From Thanksgiving

ISTANBUL (NB) - In a week marking turbulent relations between the United States and Turkey, a Turkish official declared that if Congress passes a resolution declaring the killings of Armenians as genocide, Turkey will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving.

Turkish ministry spokesman Levent Bilman addressed Turkey's position. "There will be serious ramifications if the United States Congress passes this resolution. Besides recalling our ambassador to the U.S. and cutting our ties to the U.S. military, we will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving. We recognize the importance of Thanksgiving to Americans and we hope they remember you can't spell Thanksgiving without Turkey...Well, at least you can't spell Thanksgiving without the letters 't' and 'k', which are definitely found in the word Turkey," said Bilman.

The congressional resolution focuses on the killings of up to 1.5 million Armenians by Ottoman Turks. While many scholars label the event as genocide, Turkey asserts that the deaths were not systematic, which is a crucial element to the definition of genocide. Since Turkey offers the United States logistical support in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, American politicians have had a particularly partisan reaction to the resolution.

Despite threats from Turkey, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has vowed to push ahead with the resolution. According to Pelosi, "It saddens me that Turkey has threatened to pull out of Thanksgiving, but truthfully, my constituents in San Francisco don't even eat turkey anymore. As a constituency group with a significant amount of vegetarians, we prefer Tofurkey."

President Bush has continued to speak out against the resolution. After publicly denouncing the resolution last week, Bush plans to address the nation regarding the recent developments between the United States and Turkey this week. According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush will hold a press conference regarding the resolution as soon as he can master the word tryptophan.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Mets Choke, Fantasy Baseball Manager Inconsolable

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - Following the collapse of the New York Mets, who failed to make the playoffs with a seven game lead in the final weeks of the baseball season, fantasy baseball manager Noah Roth has not left his house in 61 hours.

Through a conversation on Google Talk, Roth addressed his diminishing mental health. "I have devoted all of my free time to fantasy baseball since I started participating in ESPN mock drafts back in March. I had first place throughout the entire season, but the fucking Mets fucked me on the last fucking day of the season. How could I have guessed that future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine would get pulled in the first inning of a crucial game?" typed Roth.

Noah Roth continued, "Am I supposed to drop Jose Reyes just because he is batting under .200 in September? It's not like the waiver wire had any other all-star shortshops available in my league. I used to stay up late at night to make the first acquisitions, but I never could have foreseen players that I have no personal relationship with could let me down like this. Do you know how many online dates I could have been getting if I had known I wasn't going to take first place?" The conversation took a turn for the worst when Roth, unable to express his displeasure in words, typed in a string of endless frowny faced emoticons.

According to Roth's spokeswoman, his mother, Roth swears to get even next year by not allowing Tom Glavine to play for his fantasy team.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. Oh yeah, and Nicole Richie brings a lot of food things out of the food stored up in her stomach.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan