Where Are They Now? - Joe Biden

Have you ever wondered what happened to someone once featured prominently in the news cycle only to disappear? This week, Noah Lot More profiles Senator Joe Biden to find out what he's been up to.

Profile: The senior Senator from Delaware, Joseph Robinette "Joe" Biden, Jr. was born on November 20, 1942. Elected to the Senate at the age of 29, Biden is the fifth youngest Senator ever elected to office. During his 35 years as a United States Senator, Biden has served as the Chairman of the Senate Committe on Judiciary and currently serves as the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations.

On August 22, 2008, it was announced Joe Biden would be joining Senator Barack Obama as his running mate on the Democractic Presidential Election ticket. Political analysts believed Obama's choice to select Biden as his running mate was a brilliant move to bolster Obama's foreign policy credentials and support among Catholics and blue collar workers.

During the Democratic National Convention, Biden officially accepted the role of the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee on August 27, 2008.

Where Are They Now?: Following Biden's appearance with Barack Obama at the conclusion of the Democratic National Convention on August 28, 2008 Senator Joe Biden has not been seen. Early speculations that a Clinton had "taken care of" Biden in a fit of jealousy over his Vice Presidential nod, have turned out to be false.

On August 29, 2008 Senator John McCain introduced Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. If anyone knows of the whereabouts of Senator Joe Biden since August 29, 2008 please contact Barack Obama's Presidential campaign at 866-675-2008 or at the following website: Obama Campaign Contact Us Web Page.

John Edwards to Endorse NY Giants in Last Super Bowl

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (NB) – In a bold statement today, John Edwards has declared he will throw his support behind the New York Giants instead of the New England Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Many Americans have been waiting on the former Presidential candidate to make an endorsement of last January’s Super Bowl, but Edwards announced today that he knew in his gut, the timing was right to make a decision.

“For months, I’ve anguished over the difficult dilemma of picking a team to support in the previous Super Bowl. On one hand, the New England Patriots were undefeated going into the Super Bowl, so it’s hard not to back a team with that kind of record. At the same time, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, so it should seem kind of obvious, but let’s be honest…No one likes Eli Manning,” said an impassioned Edwards. Edwards strongly denied that his endorsement had anything to do with the fact that the New York Giants already won the Super Bowl months ago.

A spokesperson for Edwards noted Edwards’ difficulty in making a decision was directly related to his own campaign theme of two, distinct Americas. Spokeswoman Jennifer Trudeau stated, “Senator Edwards knows the country is deeply divided in their support of opposing campaigns to win the Super Bowl, which means there are definitely two Americas. Therefore, he still matters, right? No that wasn't a rhetorical question...John Edwards still matters, right?”

In related news, Senator Edwards announced a stream of endorsements this week. Included in those endorsements is his support of Kelly Clarkson over Justin Guarini in the 2002 season of American Idol and Senator Barack Obama over Senator Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party’s nominee for President of the United States.

Voter Fraud Suspected in Iowa, Black Vote Still Missing

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - Following a detailed evaluation of the results of Thursday's Iowa caucuses, it is now suspected that voter fraud may have occurred. Despite the fact the results have been counted multiple times, the vote from Roger Taylor, the African-American that lives in Iowa, is still unaccounted for.

After a disappointing finish in Iowa, Mitt Romney has asked for an investigation into voter fraud in Iowa. Romney who described his loss in Iowa as the result of the first inning of a fifty inning game, expressed his concern regarding voted fraud with another inept baseball analogy. "Although this might bite me in the ass the next time I run for office, I am completely opposed to voter fraud and this allegation must be investigated thoroughly. We must investigate this issue the same way replay officials examine a coach's challenge when a double-play is hit for a grand slam," stated Romney.

While the State of Iowa determines whether or not to evaluate the alleged voter fraud, various community members have come forward with their own explanation of why a vote from Roger Taylor, Iowa's black person, could still be absent from the caucus results. Said Iowa resident Charles Collins, "Dude, I think Roger is on vacation. I mean it's fucking cold during an Iowa January. Also, it's fucking Iowa, people move here just to appreciate their vacations more."

As the media continues to investigate voter fraud in Iowa, some credit must be given to the vacation theory. After all, the Iowa license plate reads: Dude, it's fucking Iowa.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com

Thompson Unaware of Presidential Candidacy

BURLINGTON, IOWA (NB) - In a series of personal letters obtained by an unnamed source, Former Senator Fred Thompson discussed his confusion about questions from the media asking about his qualifications to be President of the United States.

One excerpt from a letter portrays Thompson as a befuddled, apathetic man:

I don't understand why Jeri wanted to take a family vacation to Iowa, but it's pretty cold here. We've been doing a rural tour and I can't believe how many people here watch Law & Order. Obviously, it is a popular show because people keep taking pictures of me here. So many Iowans ask me about my plans for the future, but I keep telling them that I am not too interested in the future. I guess these Iowans are really impressed by actors, but they don't seem to realize I am uninterested in working hard. It's the reason I became an actor. By the way, the television at the hotel does not get any good channels.

The letters discovered also indicate Thompson is completely unaware of his candidacy for President:

Still in Iowa with Jeri. Ran out of Ritalin today, so I've stopped watching tv, but found some cools clips of cats riding skateboards on YouTube. Jeri told me today I might be cast as the President in a film version of the West Wing. I guess it's sorta ok, but she says I need to act Presidential at all times. I'm not particularly interested in the role of President, but Jeri can't stop buying Jimmy Choo's. Am I the only person who finds it a little too convenient that a guy named Jimmy Choo just happens to make shoes? Boy, writing makes me tired. I think I am going to eat some cookies and take a nap.

Although the letters have been released just days before the Iowa Caucus, experts agree Thompson's polling numbers might benefit from the revelation that he has been tricked into running for President by his wife Jeri. In response to the Thompson letters, the Romney campaign has also attempted to portray it's candidate as a victim of circumstance. As a result, pictures of a young Romney being forced to wear silly Mormon underwear as a child were leaked to www.SexyMormonsWhoLoveAbortionUntilRunningForPresident.net.

Hillary, Stop Faking It

Based on the other time I had sex, I’m confident I can recognize when a woman is faking enthusiasm. Therefore, I understand why Hillary Clinton’s inevitability as the Democratic nominee for President is suddenly tenuous. As a coital expert, I know Clinton’s vulnerability in the polls is directly linked to the way she is perceived by men. Quite simply, Hillary’s lack of authenticity strikes a chord near and dear to all men - she is faking it!

For example, let’s take that manufactured laugh on display during your stump speech and debates. I’d recognize that noise anywhere. It is the same sound people make when being forced to watch Mind of Mencia. It’s just not genuine.

Perhaps Hillary had a bad relationship before and is compensating for her insecurities, but there’s no need to plant softball questions at town-hall events. It’s the political equivalent of stuffing your bra. It’s certainly not authentic and it makes us question the other ways Clinton may manifest her insecurities. Is she going to rake away the benefits of social security with her political teeth if we forget her State of the Union address again? Hillary’s carefully crafted image leaves me with serious doubts about the candidate’s confidence and credibility. Sure, Hillary Clinton can hit a planted softball question out of the park, but it’s kind of like finding out your girlfriend’s ex is black. It’s impressive, but not in a comfortable way.

As a male voter, I need to know a female candidate’s favorite positions on policy issues. Is Hillary going to recite a list of positions she assumes I’d enjoy just so I’ll commit my vote? Hillary, please don’t tell me Iran’s Revolutionary Guard is a terrorist organization because you think I’d like the missionary accomplished position. If you aren’t genuine, I promise our relationship won’t last more than four years. For the record, I totally prefer diplomacy style.

Hillary can still win the nomination, but she needs to convince my gender that her favorite positions on policy issues will still be her favorite positions once we commit our vote. Unfortunately, until she stops faking it, I will continue to experience the following nightmare that leads me to keep a bottle of Advil by my bed.

Noah: Can I ask you something?

Hillary: Sure, you can ask me anything you want.

Noah: Great! I really appreciate that you are so receptive.

Hillary: Oh, you have no idea just how receptive I can be.

Noah: So…what are you into?

Hillary: Well, I’m so into giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants.

Noah: Wow! I love that too. It’s like my favorite thing.

Hillary: Yeah, it’s just really important to me in a representative/constituent relationship.

Noah: It’s so nice to talk to someone who enjoys it as much as me. Should we give it a try?

Hillary: You know, I don’t think so. I don’t really do that.

Noah: What? You just told me you are into it.

Hillary: I know, but I meant I only give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants when I’m in love.

Just because I live in a blue state does not mean I’m willing to be policy blue balled by a candidate.

Clinton’s lack of authenticity is so prevalent that she is unable to take a firm position on matters that have seemingly nothing to do with the upcoming election. In an Associated Press article published on December 7, Clinton was asked to name the foods that she hates. Hillary responded, “I like nearly everything.” Now if that isn’t faking it, then knowing all the words to Single White Shemale does not make me a coital expert. Obviously, when Hillary is asked what she hates putting in her mouth, we all know the correct answer is Bill.

Giuliani Mistakenly Attacks Trick-or-Treaters

NEW YORK (NB) - In what is likely to create a public relations nightmare for the Giuliani for President campaign, Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani attacked a group of children dressed as aliens on Halloween.

Following his October 14 promise to prepare the United States to fight an alien invasion (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eQeNS2ux2F4), Giuliani had the opportunity to keep his word when he passed a group of five elementary school children in Halloween costumes walking from house to house collecting candy. Assuming it was an alien invasion and aliens would obviously thrive off of Reese's Pieces, Giuliani clotheslined three kids while drop-kicking two other children.

Immediately after Giuliani took down the group of children, he boisterously pumped his fist and asked his aide to check the day's date. As the aide informed Giuliani of the October 31 date, Giuliani's face lit up with an epiphany.

"I am not the least bit surprised that we were attacked on the 31 after being attacked on the 11 of September. Clearly, the terrorists hate prime numbers like they hate our freedom. Prime numbers, like American freedom, are indivisible by outside forces or numbers such as 1 or the prime number itself," declared a triumphant Giuliani.

Following Giuliani's prime number monologue, the aide informed Giuliani that October 31 is Halloween and the small alien creatures were actually a group of local children.

The Giuliani campaign states that in the fast paced environment of campaigning, Giuliani momentarily forgot that yesterday was Halloween. At the same time, they note that Giuliani demonstrated that he is the only candidate equipped to protect the United States on prime number dates.

According to the Giuliani campaign, Rudy Giuliani is expected to issue an apology sometime later today. Based on information from unnamed sources, it is believed Giuliani will ask for forgiveness and emphasize that he simply lost track of the date. As one unnamed campaign staffer said, "If Mayor Giuliani had known it was Halloween, he would have absolutely been dressed in drag."

As the kids were rushed off to the hospital for treatment, one trick-or-treater explained that he now completely understands why Giuliani's daughter supports Barack Obama for President.

Chuck Norris Still Endorsing Things

DALLAS (NB) - After receiving significant media attention for his endorsement of Republican candidate Mike Huckabee for President of the United States, Chuck Norris has attempted to stage a comeback by releasing a flurry of endorsements.

Norris, a martial arts expert who had starred in the television show Walker, Texas Ranger, proudly discussed his strategy for enhancing his profile.

"Endorsing Mike Huckabee for President has really motivated people to talk about Chuck Norris again and not in a Walker, Texas Ranger embarrassing kind of way. It's led me to an epiphany about the power of endorsements. Before, I would just recommend Chili's Awesome Blossom to my friends, but now I let everyone know that Chuck Norris officially endorses the Awesome Blossom found at Chili's restaurants. It's really terrific...I mean awesome," stated an excited Norris.

Norris also noted that he endorses The Rock to stop beating him out for movies he should certainly be cast in, Mountain Dew, and his wife to use a little less salt in her cooking.

While the Huckabee for President campaign did not respond to the Norris endorsement, Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo was disappointed he did not win the coveted Norris endorsement.

Congressman Tancredo said, "I am disappointed that I did not receive the Chuck Norris endorsement. Obviously, as someone who hates Mexicans, I am a huge proponent of Walker, Texas Ranger patrolling our Southern borders. With that said, I still believe we will win the endorsement of Dog the Bounty Hunter."

In response to all of the media attention focused on the Chuck Norris endorsement, Mr. T announced he would endorse anyone who would give him a job.

Ron Paul Event Leaves Thousands of College Students Confused

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

BERKELEY, CA (NB) - This week, thousands of college students from the University of California at Berkeley left a Ron Paul for President event in complete dismay. Expecting to attend a concert by reggae artist Sean Paul, many UC Berkeley students did not realize their error until the Ron Paul field staff disassembled the Republican presidential candidate's speaking platform.

Apparently, students at Berkeley were unable to recognize Ron Paul for various reasons. Scott Weisberg, a sixth-year student, discussed his confusion. "First, that old guy who spoke looks a whole lot like Chancellor Birgeneau. I just assumed the Chancellor was Sean Paul's opening act. Also, I was really high," said Weisberg. Weisberg nonchalantly scratched his head as he walked away from the crowd barefoot.

Other students caught on to their folly quickly. "Man, I really wanted to hear the song Gimme the Light, but the old guy kept talking about the gold standard. Sure, I see a loose connection about how gold, if held at the right angle, might shine in a way where you can give someone the light, but once the country music started, I knew we were being punk'd," said sophomore Gina Lee.

While Lee had hoped to see a concert by Sean Paul, she said the afternoon was not a total loss. Lee stated, "If you follow my drift, the whole crowd was more than prepared for the song We Be Burnin. Yeah, I had to listen to the old guy explain why the United States should withdraw from NAFTA, but whatever, I still got really high."

As word spread about the thousands of students who mistakenly gathered to hear Ron Paul speak, other candidates met with their campaigns to develop a plan on how to mislead thousands of people into attending their events. While the Giuliani campaign is rumored to be discussing a numerical scheme to mislead potential voters, only the Mike Huckabee campaign released an official plan to misinform registered voters. According to the Huckabee for President campaign, Huckabee has cut and paste his face onto the cover of every DVD copy of the movie I Heart Huckabees.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com

Fred Thompson Polling Well With Non-Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Days after officially entering the Republican race for President, a new poll shows former Senator Fred Thompson is receiving high favorability numbers among people who definitely don't give a damn about voting.

Thompson, who enters the race months after other Presidential candidates, declared his candidacy while sitting on the couch of The Tonight Show. "You know, I guess I'll give running a Presidential campaign a shot...Boy, this couch is comfortable, is this pleather?" Thompson asked Jay Leno.

Thompson, who made his announcement on the same night of a Republican debate in New Hampshire, briefly discussed his feelings towards debating. Thompson explained, "Jay, to be honest, the whole debating part of the campaign really doesn't interest me. The fundraising events are pretty dope though because they serve free food and I can nap beforehand." As Jay Leno announced a commercial break, Thompson crawled into the fetal position to take a power nap before the next guest was introduced.

Polls show Thompson's appeal as an everyday American resonates with people too lazy to make concrete decisions. "Dude, Fred Thomas is the man. He understands that my day is filled with choices like is Myspace better than Facebook or should I buy the Kanye West album or 50 Cent album released this week. Obviously, I am a busy guy and I don't have time to vote, but if I did, I feel Frank Thompson's inability to really know what he wants resonates with my generation," stated someone too old to be spending his afternoon in Best Buy playing a Nintendo Wii.

Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do

ALBUQUERQE, NM (AP) - In an attempt to energize his bid for President, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson unveiled a new campaign slogan. The slogan, 'Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won't Do' unintentionally catalyzed discussion about illegal immigration.

Standing outside of an Albuquerque-based Home Depot, Richardson let the American people know he is actively looking for work. “I am asking the people of the United States to employ me to be their next President. No one in their right mind wants to be President of the United States, which is why I have chosen Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do as my new campaign slogan. In fact, not only do I have all of my candidacy papers right here, but I am willing to do this job for half the cost of the other candidates,” said Governor Richardson.

Richardson addressed voters by pointing out the differences between him and the other candidates. A candid Richardson mentioned, “Is everyone fucking crazy? A Senator hasn’t been elected President since Kennedy. It is ridiculous that the three leading Democratic candidates are all Senators while the leading Republican candidates have experience in the Executive branch of government. Do you really want the Republicans to win the Presidency again?!?”

Richardson pleaded, “Look, I understand that minority candidates are cool right now, but why has everyone forgotten that I am half Mexican? It might be my Anglo-Saxon name, but I swear that I am a minority too! It’s like I need to bang a dude to get some attention over here.”

The announcement from the Richardson campaign sparked a strong response from Republican presidential candidates. Rudy Giuliani, who pledged to end all illegal immigration as President, was the first Republican to respond to the Richardson campaign.

“If we elect a New Mexican to be President, al Qaeda will exploit our porous borders. This threat solidifies my commitment to put an end to illegal immigration. If elected, I promise to end all illegal immigration by Septembering the 11th,” stated a determined Giuliani.

Also quick to respond to the Richardson campaign was Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo. Tancredo, who not only accidentally deported Jesus, but recently declared he’d bomb Islamic holy sites as a method of retaliating against a terrorist attack, had a fierce reaction to the Richardson campaign slogan.

“We cannot, under any circumstances, allow Bill Richardson to be President of the United States of America. His mother is Mexican and he is from New Mexico…Holy Shit! That’s like one and a half Mexicans in one person,” said Tancredo.

Confusing Spanish and Pig Latin, Tancredo concluded, “Bill Ichardson-ray for Resident-pay sounds like a mucho problemo for the American economyway.”

Surprising many, Senator John McCain did not comment on the Richardson statement. Although unconfirmed, it has been reported that McCain, who finished next to last in this week’s Iowa straw poll, was seen drunk and depressed sitting behind the wheel of his campaign bus ‘The Straight Talk Express’. Reportedly, McCain had pulled alongside the road to mix a few drinks outside of the campaign bus, which now features recent graffiti declaring the bus ‘The Fellate Cock Express’.

Imus: I Played the Racism Card Prematurely

NEW YORK (AP) - Former radio personality Don Imus held another press conference to express his regret over racist and sexist comments made about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. Imus announced that had he been able to predict the candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, he would have held onto his racism card.

A regretful Imus lamented, "I am ashamed that I played my racism card prematurely. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I need to be more patient. Truthfully, it was an amateur's mistake to use my racism card to talk about women's collegiate basketball. It is common knowledge that since bitches can't dunk, no one is even paying attention to women's basketball." After referring to women as bitches, Imus quickly corrected himself, "Excuse me, I meant to refer to the bitches as wenches."

As reporters responded with confusion, Imus stated, "Basically, had I known a black guy, a woman, a Leprechaun, and a Mormon were going to run for President of the United States, I would have never said those words about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Believe me, I still have a few racist zingers up my sleeve about Barack Obama that would bring the house down or raise the roof, I am not really sure which phrase is more popular with blacks these days. " Imus sighed, "Things just keep getting worse for me. Did you hear that a Jewish guy in New York who made his money running a media empire might run for President?"

Imus concluded his press conference by pleading with the media to retract his previous statements for racist and sexist statements to be made later. After being informed the racism card is not part of a board game that can be traded for later use, Imus accused the Jewish media of being Indian givers.