Thursday, September 27, 2007

Alberto Gonzales Still Showing Up to Work

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Events in Washington D.C. have been a little too familiar recently. As many discuss the situation in Iraq and the upcoming 2008 Presidential Election, one face continues to appear throughout Washington. Despite no longer holding a government position, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales continues to show up to the Department of Justice everyday for work.

At approximately 7:30 AM, Alberto Gonzales appears daily at the Department of Justice wearing a suit and carrying a Dora the Explorer lunchbox. Baffled by the continuity of the situation, the White House has yet to develop an exit strategy from this uncomfortable situation.

"To tell you the truth, we just haven't figured this one out yet. It's quite bizarre. Every afternoon, we explain to Mr. Gonzales that he no longer works here, but the following morning he always shows up for work. It's almost like he doesn't remember what happened the day before," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

According to an unidentified source, Gonzales spends the majority of his days walking through the halls of the Department of Justice introducing himself to staff members, filling out yesterday's crossword puzzle, and watching the movie The Sixth Sense.

As news spreads throughout Washington about Gonzales' presence in the Department of Justice, the Democrats are rumored to be giving serious thought to squandering their opportunity to do anything during a lame duck Presidency as a form of protest.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a press conference to address Gonzales' daily appearances at the Department of Justice. "Mr. Gonzales is manipulating the American people and it must stop. Last night, I watched Seinfeld and happened to come across the episode where George, despite being fired from his job, shows up to work everyday as if nothing happened," stated Pelosi.

An impassioned Pelosi continued, "The Democrats are not going to stand here and watch Alberto Gonzales neglect the wishes of the American electorate. In fact, we will no longer stand and watch any of these outrageous situations occur," said Pelosi. After pausing, Pelosi kept to her word and sat down on a massage chair from the Sharper Image.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Real Estate Slumps, Sandcastles Practically Worthless

NEW YORK (NB) - The latest report from the National Association of Realtors brought discouraging news this week to many invested in real estate. An alarming report revealed that despite ocean views and beachfront property, sandcastles are practically worthless.

"It looks like we've made a huge mistake by forecasting a limitless real estate boom. As it turns out, sand is not a sturdy foundation for real estate. While the real estate slump has been a surprise, it was truly impossible to predict the impact of global warming on the value of sandcastles. Seriously, who could have guessed higher sea levels would wipe out so many great houses made out of sand?" said economist Alex Lavender.

As a result of disruptions in the mortgage market, many real estate owners are stuck with ballooning mortgages they cannot pay off. One sandcastle owner appeared to be so anxiety-stricken over her upcoming mortgage payment that she burst into a fit of tears.

"How am I supposed to afford paying Vanessa four granola bars and a fruit roll-up a day at lunch just to keep my sandcastle? This isn't fair! I want my Mommy," cried first grader Angela Landau.

As many elementary school children sulk over their worthless sandcastles, some fear the real estate market will have a negative impact on the entire economy.

According to Brian O'Brien, Principal of Woodlawn Elementary School, policies may be implemented to lessen the impact of the housing slump. "Although it is shocking to believe a sandcastle shaped like a turtle might be worthless someday, we can't have these children eating crayons as they pay off their mortgages with their entire lunch. It is more than likely we will establish some type of corrective policy so our entire school budget is not impacted by the housing slump," stated O'Brien.

Despite the negative news regarding the real estate market, some associated with the real estate business attempted to put a positive spin on the recent news.

One real estate agent, Richard Schulden, pointed out that the recent report affirms the real estate market is officially a buyer's market. Said Schulden, "I have no doubt the market will correct itself and rebound. Right now, you can get a great deal on a plot of sand that will eventually be worth a fortune."

A confident Schulden cleaned his glasses before stating, "Until the market rebounds, I can offer you the opportunity to buy an orca-shaped sandcastle in Malibu at the price you would have paid last year to get a sandcastle shaped like a porpoise."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ahmadinejad Kicks Off Comedy Tour

NEW YORK (NB) - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicked off the fall leg of his 2007 comedy tour this week in New York. The tour known as Mahmoud: Rude Dude of Nukes is expected to attract significant attention at every tour destination.

Ahmadinejad opened with a show at Columbia University in New York. Predictably, he relied on the familiar material that earned him his reputation as a cross between Dane Cook and Adolf Hitler. The beginning of his set was centered around his well known routine 'Israel is Making me Miserable'. In his famous routine, Ahmadinejad neurotically kvetches about how a state so small could make him so meshuggenah. As the night went on, Ahmadinejad worked his way through other classics such as 'Jew's on First' and 'Black People vs. Niggas vs. Jewish People'.

Like many comics, Ahmadinejad used the performance to test new material on the crowd. His new material was met with a mix of laughter and boos from the Columbia audience. In particular, one new segment drew a significant crowd reaction. After performing a Jon Stewart like impersonation of President Bush, Ahmadinejad stated, "What is the difference between the Holocaust, an Iranian homosexual, and Haley's Comet?...Only Haley's Comet happened in the last 100 years!" Following a mixed reaction from the crowd, Ahmadinejad adapted George Carlin's 'The Seven Words You Can't Say on TV' for the Columbia audience. Ahmadinejad's version, 'The 17,000 Words You Can't Say in Iran' brought the crowd into a fit of laughter as he concluded his set.

Recognizing Ahmadinejad's ability to draw a crowd, Lions Gate Films has cast Ahmadinejad in the sequel to their new movie Good Luck Chuck. Ahmadinejad will replace Dane Cook as the lead in the upcoming film. Good Mood Mahmoud is expected to be released in the fall of 2009.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Fortuitously Missed Connections

Bus Through Chinatown - m4w - 24

You: Petite, Asian Girl with long black hair and other defining Asian characteristics.

Me: Guy sitting directly across from you on the bus. 5'11'', 190 lbs, dark hair, dark eyes.

I was the naked guy wearing the pig's mask on the bus. I am pretty sure that you were staring at me. I think we should both find out why you couldn't take your eyes off of me...

Thursday, September 20, 2007

African Colberican: Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend

Below is an excerpt from Jackie Burnett's upcoming book, "African Colberican: My Life as Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend":

"Stephen Colbert has believed himself to be a victim of a left-wing conspiracy since his High School days. Back in his junior year of High School, Stephen received a ticket for attempting to make a left turn at a red light. Since that day, Stephen has been a staunch opponent of the left. With his recent Emmy loss, Stephen Colbert will continue to make himself the victim of a left-wing conspiracy. As his childhood friend, I am sure he will claim liberal Hollywood just wanted to rub salt in his anti-leftist wounds by awarding Tony "I left my Heart in Nancy Pelosi's Leftist San Francisco" Bennett with an Emmy that he was supposed to win. Yes, Colbert knows how to hold a grudge, but I have a hunch that he'll be the big winner at next month's Colbemmy Awards Show. "

Jackie Burnett has known Stephen Colbert since their childhood days in South Carolina. Jackie became Stephen's first black friend when they were cast in a school play together. In the play, 'A Bear who Dared to Care', Jackie played the role of a bear and Stephen played the role of a lamb, which obviously symbolized Jesus. His new book, 'African Colberican' will be released by Noah Lot More Publishing in Fall 2008. He still resides in Charleston, South Carolina.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; tape yourself crying about Britney Spears on YouTube and you shall conquer.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I never forget a patient. In fact, I use an elaborate numerical system called math to keep track of patients. Honestly, I don't know the names of my patients, but I know every case number because it indicates the number of lives I've saved.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Neil Wendall, Pick Up Artist/Astrophysicist

Wow...Are those things real? Your rack is totally defying Newton's law of gravitation, it appears your breasts are sagging at 8.8 m/s2, instead of the usual 9.8 m/s2. Very impressive!

Um...I am not that good at talking to girls.

Neil Wendall is Vermont's most eligible astrophysicist bachelor. If you can help him find love, leave a comment.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why We Can't Eliminate the Penny

Every now and then, Congress discusses the need for a change in our currency. Oftentimes, these debates turn political and lead to discussions about whether or not the actor who played Ronald Reagan should be featured on the dime. Recently, a different type of debate has evolved/been intelligently designed in the halls of Washington. Due to an unexpected increase in the price of zinc, some members of Congress insist it is no longer feasible for the United States Treasury to produce the penny. Although pennies have lost much of their flavor since the days I got paid to eat ten for a nickel, I cannot help but point out the importance of this oft neglected coin.

First, the disappearance of the penny will hurt the taxpayer. For instance, my Grandma collects pennies because it makes her days at the Palm Springs Retirement Home/Center for Convicts who Aspire to be Clowns a little bit more enjoyable. If she is forced to pick up heavier coins like the quarter, her arthritis might flare up. Once her arthritis flares up because no one cared that pennies are easier for old ladies to pick up off the floor of Red Lobster, her medical care will be covered by the government. In order for the government to pay for her medical care, money will be collected from tax-paying citizens.

It should also be noted that eliminating the penny will have a disastrous impact on our economy. For example, I will no longer be able to buy discounted prescription drugs if the 99 Cents Store no longer exists. If I cannot afford my medication, I will not be able to keep writing. If I stop writing, people will look less busy at their computers. When bosses see people looking less busy at their computers, those people will lose their jobs. As people lose their jobs, the American economy will begin to collapse when tens of my readers become unemployed.

And the previously mentioned reasons to keep the penny are chump change. In a penniless world, the word "penny" will lose its place in our lexicon, which leads to my most important point. If we eliminate the penny, what will we name girls destined to be strippers? Everyone knows good stripper names are few and far between, which means that we must fight to keep the really good ones, like Penny. Am I supposed to refer to my strippers as Elana or Felice? Yes, I am willing to admit strippers often nickel and dime their customers, but if you don't bet your bottom dollar on these ladies, you only get a quarter of the show. Personally, I respect that type of archaic work ethic, which is why we must show our appreciation by preserving names like Penny for our future strippers.

Sure, the penny costs 1.7 cents to make, but it's a price I'm willing to pay to ensure that I never have to call a stripper Sacagawea Golden Dollar Coin.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fred Thompson Polling Well With Non-Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Days after officially entering the Republican race for President, a new poll shows former Senator Fred Thompson is receiving high favorability numbers among people who definitely don't give a damn about voting.

Thompson, who enters the race months after other Presidential candidates, declared his candidacy while sitting on the couch of The Tonight Show. "You know, I guess I'll give running a Presidential campaign a shot...Boy, this couch is comfortable, is this pleather?" Thompson asked Jay Leno.

Thompson, who made his announcement on the same night of a Republican debate in New Hampshire, briefly discussed his feelings towards debating. Thompson explained, "Jay, to be honest, the whole debating part of the campaign really doesn't interest me. The fundraising events are pretty dope though because they serve free food and I can nap beforehand." As Jay Leno announced a commercial break, Thompson crawled into the fetal position to take a power nap before the next guest was introduced.

Polls show Thompson's appeal as an everyday American resonates with people too lazy to make concrete decisions. "Dude, Fred Thomas is the man. He understands that my day is filled with choices like is Myspace better than Facebook or should I buy the Kanye West album or 50 Cent album released this week. Obviously, I am a busy guy and I don't have time to vote, but if I did, I feel Frank Thompson's inability to really know what he wants resonates with my generation," stated someone too old to be spending his afternoon in Best Buy playing a Nintendo Wii.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

Do unto others as Kid Rock has done unto Tommy Lee when a douche talks shizzle about a ho you've both nailed.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Monday, September 10, 2007

Noah Lot More about Wales

Wales is one of four countries which constitutes the United Kingdom. By far, Wales is the least respected country in the United Kingdom. Consequentially, Wales has been given the slogan, "Wales: The San Fernando Valley or New Jersey of the United Kingdom". Besides being the largest principality in the world, it is also home to the largest amount of people who find sheep attractive. The role of sheep cannot be neglected when evaluating the history and culture of Wales.

The earliest boundaries of Wales were established in the 7th century by King Offa of Mercia. King Offa issued a decree enacting the boundaries of Wales. This decree, known as Offa's Dyke, is second only to Ellen DeGeneres as the most influential dyke in Western civilization.

Although the Romans occupied Wales until 410, Germanic tribes were responsible for developing modern Welsh culture. While the Romans considered sheep a delicacy, the Germanic tribes believed sheep could keep them warm through the cold Welsh winter. The sheep were not only able to keep the Germanic tribes warm, but they were also fucked regularly. The result was the world's first native Welshman.

As the offspring of Germanic tribes and sheep, the earliest Welsh people developed a distinct language of their own. To this day, Wales is known for a dialect even more amusing than Gaelic. Besides an intolerable vernacular, the Welsh people look bizarre as their ancestors frequently banged sheep. Their unique facial features helped determine the name of the country. The name Wales originates from the Germanic word Walha, meaning "stranger", which is what the child of a sheep and a Germanic tribesman would look like to people who don't practice bestiality.

Clearly, the impact of one lonely Germanic tribesman to copulate with a sheep cannot be underestimated. The decision to fuck a sheep has not only spawned Welsh culture, but years of ridicule from the English who seem to forget that their Royal Family is the result of inbreeding.

Noah Lot More about Wales is the first part of an undetermined travel series profiling places that I will never intentionally visit.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

GLAAD Denounces Republican Marriage

(NB) - In response to yet another incident highlighting a Republican elected official illegally soliciting homosexual sex, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has decided to publicly denounce Republican marriage.

Following Idaho Senator Larry Craig's most recent announcement in which he declared he will not resign from the Senate seat he resigned the day before, GLAAD President Neil Giuliano held a press conference evaluating how Republican behavior impacts family values.

"The Larry Craig incident is one of many that demonstrates our family values are in jeopardy if we allow Republicans to marry. If I want to spend the evening at a Lance Bass concert with my lover Ricardo, I should not have to wonder if Congressman Mark Foley will be instant messaging our teenage son Frederico while my lover and I engage in monogamous anal sex. If I go to the park to walk my homosexual dog Juan during my San Francisco vacation, will I be able to go to the bathroom without having State Representative Bob Allen attempt to give me a blow job for three times the market rate?" asked Giuliano.

Senator Craig did not have a comment in response to GLAAD's denunciation of Republican marriage, but was reportedly off to investigate a glory hole located in an Idaho bathroom.

GLAAD President Giuliano concluded his conference with the following statement, "Seriously, we are begging the Republicans to stop being so gay. Their behavior is truly an embarrassment to homosexuals around the world who engage in committed, monogamous relationships. If the Republicans marry, the values held by our Founding Fathers could be in danger."

Giuliano paused before saying, "Oh God! What if the Republicans want to adopt?"

After anxiously wiping the sweat from his brow, Giuliano exited the building.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

African Colberican: Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend

Below is an excerpt from Jackie Burnett's upcoming book, "African Colberican: My Life as Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend":

"Stephen Colbert claims that he can't see race, but as Stephen's first black friend, I know his claim is false. For example, why does his ice cream, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream, not contain any chocolate ice cream? Colbert can't see race, but he just happened to come out with a new version of vanilla ice cream? I don't buy it. Sure, it has a fudge swirl, but it's common knowledge that Stephen loves mulattos."

Jackie Burnett has known Stephen Colbert since their childhood days in South Carolina. Jackie became Stephen's first black friend when they were cast in a school play together. In the play, 'A Bear who Dared to Care', Jackie played the role of a bear and Stephen played the role of a lamb, which obviously symbolized Jesus. His new book, 'African Colberican' will be released by Noah Lot More Publishing in Fall 2008. He still resides in Charleston, South Carolina.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Man Hit by Object, Realizes Entourage is Lousy

ARGOS, IN (NB) - Hardware shop employee Derek Ellis experienced a life changing incident on Sunday evening. Ellis, who was on his way to meet his three lifelong friends to watch HBO's Entourage, was temporarily unconscious after being hit by a local tractor. After receiving treatment at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center for short-term memory loss, Ellis was joined by his friends to watch the season finale of Entourage. As the episode concluded and his friends cheered, Ellis was appalled.

"What do you mean we watch that every week?!? Why would I care about a bunch of characters promoting a movie that doesn't actually exist?" asked an angry Ellis.

Ellis' chubby friend, Gabe McKinley, answered the question donning a backwards red cap, a baggy jersey, and some sneakers, "Chill out E. We love this show. It's just like our real life and how we interact as friends."

Unable to remember that his group of friends refer to each other by Entourage character names, Ellis responded, "Why are you calling me E? My name is Derek."

In an attempt to pacify an angering Ellis, his good-looking friend, Ben Jackson, responded with absolutely nothing insightful. In his designer jeans, Jackson tapped his buddy's shoulder and chimed into the conversation. "Relax E, if it's meant to be, it'll happen," said a vapid Jackson.

Jackson's older brother, Jackson Jackson added, "Hey baby bro, I think E just needs me to make him an omelet and scream 'Victory'! I bet one of these nurses would fuck me."

An increasingly hostile Ellis replied, "Have you lost your minds? That show has nothing to do with our lives. We don't travel in fancy transportation, we don't hang out with models, and we don't live in mansions. Like the vast majority of Americans, that show doesn't relate to our lives. Wake up douchebags and stop calling me E!"

Ellis concluded the night by saying goodbye to his friends and counting down the days until Curb Your Enthusiasm finally returns to HBO.

Monday, September 3, 2007

China Celebrates Labor Day

BEIJING (NB) - Citizens of the People's Republic of China are celebrating Labor Day today throughout their country. To mark Labor Day celebrations in China, millions of Chinese people will be working.

Wu Yi, Vice Premier of China, spoke about the Chinese celebration of Labor Day during a public address to the nation. "Basically, every single day in China is Labor Day...Actually, every single day is Labor Day in China. We've been very pleased to find out the American people love Labor Day as much as the Chinese. After discovering our mutual admiration for Labor Day, we have asked Kathie Lee Gifford, the American celebrity, to serve as a consultant on labor relations," stated Yi.

Besides revealing the Chinese government's new relationship with Kathie Lee Gifford, Yi briefly mentioned that today's Labor Day should be much more exciting than yesterday's Labor Day, but not as exciting as tomorrow's planned Labor Day.

The public statement from Vice Premier Yi was not held without controversy. Anti-war activist, Cindy Sheehan, interrupted Yi's speech with an organized protest. Following the recent recall of Chinese toys, which were revealed to contain dangerous amounts of lead, Sheehan vowed to end her retirement from her career as a protester to highlight another global atrocity.

Sheehan's recent campaign against the lack of quality assurance associated with products exported by the Chinese government recruited many activists on college campuses. Unfortunately, many college students were attracted to the misleading campaign slogan, 'Get the Lead Out'. Unaware that many local radio stations celebrate the rock band, Led Zeppelin with a segment titled 'Get the Led Out', Sheehan was overwhelmed by the support she received on college campuses. Upon taking a group of 'Get the Lead Out' supporters to China, Sheehan realized her error when fellow activists interrupted Vice Premier Yi with repeated requests for the song ‘Stairway to Heaven’.