Monday, December 31, 2007

F.P. Santangelo Thanks HGH for Press Coverage

SACRAMENTO, CA (NB) - In what has continued to be a bad month for Major League Baseball, former major league outfielder F.P. Santangelo held a press conference to thank performance enhancing drugs for the first press coverage he has had in years.

"Human growth hormone (HGH), I'd like to thank you for making the American public familiar with the name F.P. Santangelo. It feels great to know that I am finally getting some press coverage. It took almost six full years, but that HGH really paid off. Yes, I was upset I couldn't bat over .200 when I was using HGH, but now I feel like my decision to try to get my share of the spotlight was worth it," said Santangelo.

Santangelo attributed the decision to use performance enhancing drugs to a course he took back in 1996. Santangelo explained, "Back in the beginning of my career, I took a seminar in the off-season titled How to Make Friends, Influence People, and Achieve Fame Without Dignity. In retrospect, my class has really achieved their goals. Our instructor Kato Kaelin promised there were avenues to press coverage without hard work. The class of '96 was like The Mouseketeers of the 1950's. Between Kevin Federline, Tila Tequila, and myself, we've really come along way."

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Jesus to Mike Huckabee: 'Lose My Number'

(NB) - In what is perhaps the biggest break-up story of the year, Jesus has ended his relationship with Mike Huckabee. Although details of the break-up are largely unknown, both Jesus and a representative for Governor Huckabee confirmed that in the wake of a heated argument, Jesus told Huckabee to lose his phone number.

Huckabee Press Secretary Alice Stewart spoke on the behalf of a catatonic Governor Huckabee, "As you've seen from nearly every public appearance, Mike Huckabee had a very close, personal relationship with Jesus. Understandably, Governor Huckabee is extremely distraught at this moment. Mike Huckabee has such an affinity for Jesus that he speaks about him everywhere we go...I mean Mike Huckabee really, really loves Jesus."

With a significant amount of nonchalance, Jesus addressed the details of his relationship with Mike Huckabee. "First of all, I've got to say that Mike Huckabee is significantly dramatizing the events of our correspondence. Look, I really only spoke to the guy once. He had called me and asked about losing some weight, so I told him about Subway sandwiches. Our relationship was pretty casual, it's not like I helped him win an Oscar, a Grammy, or the Super Bowl. Anyway, Huckabee just would not stop calling me, so when I ran into him recently, I told him that I can't really endorse every Presidential candidate from both parties. He didn't seem to take the hint, so yeah, I suggested he lose my number," said Jesus.

While Jesus would not comment as to whether or not another relationship served as the catalyst for his break-up with Huckabee, he did note that he has a lot of options. Said Jesus, "Dude, are you kidding? I'm so hot right now. I just had a huge birthday party this week and everyone was celebrating. Well not everyone, Adam Sandler didn't respond to the evite, but everyone else was there. "

Jesus seemed confident he would not be losing sleep over Huckabee. Without mentioning specifics, Jesus claimed his social calendar was booked with requests for appearances at social events throughout the United States until November 4, 2008.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives, but did you really think that I would want to receive a towel warmer as a birthday present this week? Seriously dude, I kept asking for an iPhone. Do you have the receipt for that towel warmer?

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Chosen People Left With Few Choices This Christmas

LOS ANGELES (NB) - With most of the country's retailers and restaurants closed today for Christmas, the Chosen People, also identified as members of the Jewish faith, have been left with ironically little choice on how to allocate their time.

Despite a limited selection of entertainment-related facilities, one Jewish man still found himself overwhelmed by choice. "Jesus Christ it is hard to decide what to do today. On one hand, the Empress Pavilion has the best Peking duck around, but you cannot deny the excellence of the Kung Pao chicken at Yang Chow. With that said, the Kung Pao is so spicy and everyone knows that spicy doesn't sit so well with my stomach. Jesus...I just can't decide," said Abe Glickstein.

Other Jews spent the day attempting to relieve their ennui through entertainment on the internet. Said Richard Silver, "I figured there might be some gorgeous girls with nothing to do on Jdate today, so I've been online all day. Sure, I'm still alone, but it's not like I could really take a girl anywhere fun tonight anyway."

While some members of the Jewish community have referred to Christmas as the only day worse than Yom Kippur, many Jewish people have been relieved that a Jewish movie is available for their entertainment this holiday season.

An elated Rachel Weinberg elaborated, "It is about time a movie came out with a Jewish theme during this time of year. I was ecstatic to know that Jewish values are being celebrated in the film Atonement. Seriously, nothing is more Jewish than atonement."

Monday, December 24, 2007

Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Actual Interviews is a new feature where I interview a celebrity who has already given a real interview to a journalist. Now, I ask the questions, but use their actual answers in a way that is completely out of context and most likely libel.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Noah: Sorry, I was late, but I had to sit through the movie From Justin to Kelly with the little girl that I mentor.

Kanye West: Oh, man, I love that movie so much.

NB: Hmm...I wouldn't have guessed that would be your style. Can you tell me what's on your Christmas wish list this year?

KW: Where's my 'Beam me up, Scotty' machine?

NB: I don't think those are real Kanye, I believe that was a gimmick used in the television show Stark Trek.

KW: I don't know what's going on.

NB: I'm beginning to sense that. I know 2007 has been a difficult year for Kanye West, but outside of your personal loss, which is understandably tough, is there anything you wish had happened in 2007 that did not happen?

KW: I wanted flying cars. I wanted hover boards. I wanted Nikes with a bunch of air bubbles on them, but I never wanted to dress like Tupac.

Do you have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wouldn't expect a politician to be able to recite the third verse on my album.

NB: That seems pretty reasonable to me. If you don't follow politics closely, what do you take an avid interest in?

KW: Right now that news on Yahoo! is about an underwater pumpkin-carving contest.

NB: Honestly, I am not even sure if I have a response to that statement.

KW: I go anywhere from optimistic to borderline delusional.

NB: I think we seem to be close to borderline delusional right now.

KW: Will cars be solar-powered?

NB: Yeah, definitely borderline delusional. As we conclude, any thoughts about 2008?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wanted to be a designer before I wanted to a be a rapper.

NB: Interesting, but it still doesn't explain your fascination with underwater pumpkin-carving contests.

KW: There will be so few, if any.

NB: Very true. Thanks for your time Kanye.

*** - Actual interview conducted by Austin Scaggs for Rolling Stone, Issue 1039.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Citing Extreme Hatred of Cute, Bush Vetoes Child Health Care Bill Again

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Citing an extreme hatred of all things adorable, President Bush vetoed a bill that would provide children with health care. In addition to the veto, Bush vowed to veto proposals enabling puppies to be cuddled, grandmas to talk about their grandchildren, and Ryan Seacrest to get his hair frosted.

The bill would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) by $35 billion over five years.

In a prepared statement, Bush explained his veto, "First, let me say that this CHIP program does not sit well with me. I hate chips and I've hated them since my Dad choked on a pretzel. That chip tried to kill my Daddy, which is a justifiable reason to go to war against chips, pretzels, and Iraq. "

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had the difficult job of defending the President's veto. According to Perino, "President Bush has been unfairly portrayed by the media as not having a heart, but hopes that America recognizes the President does not hate white children."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Pop Culture Jesus

For we walk with faith, not by sight. And by faith, I mean Oprah. For if you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you will not give Mike Huckabee my new number.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Monday, December 10, 2007

Bush Adds Subprime Mortgages to Axis of Evil

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Following a turbulent week in regards to foreign policy, President Bush has temporarily removed Iran from the Axis of Evil. For the time being, Bush announced subprime mortgages would be joining the Axis of Evil on a trial basis.

Based on documentation detailing Iran's decision to halt production of nuclear weapons in 2003, President Bush reluctantly moved his Iranian flag computer icon next to his computer's recycling bin icon.

Standing next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush said, "Although Iran is definitely still dangerous, it has come to my attention that subprime mortgages have been with us, but against us, but not with us in a good way. As the world knows, either you are with us or against us, but you can't be with us in a bad way, which means that if you are with us, but not in a good way, you can't fool us. So you see, fool me once, but if you fool me, you can't get fooled again." As Bush completed his sentence, Secretary Paulson drank a large glass of water to wash down the tylenol he took during Bush's speech.

Bush noted subprime mortgages have earned a place in the Axis of Evil because they have made the bold decision to fight Americans on our own soil. In an attempt to fight subprime mortgages, Bush alluded to his plan to freeze interest rates for a five-year period. Despite the assessment that the freeze will only help 240,000 of the two million people hurt by subprime mortgages, the Bush Administration is confident their plan will be a success. As Press Secretary Dana Perino noted, "Hey, you can't strike out all the time, right? Eventually, one has to get through for a hit."

In response to the new face of the Axis of Evil, Republican presidential candidates reacted quickly to the news. While Tom Tancredo pointed out that subprime mortgages are Mexican as evidenced by the prefix 'sub' meaning below or beneath something great like the United States, Mitt Romney regrettably confirmed that his uncle is married to three subprime mortgages, but insisted his Mormon faith would not influence his policy if elected President of the United States.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Study: Vegetarianism Found To Be A Gateway Drug To Veganism

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - In an alarming study published by the Malnutrition Experts Network (MEN), the anti-social condition known as vegetarianism is now believed to be the first step to a debilitating disease known as veganism.

The groundbreaking study by MEN negates previously held theories that vegetarians, while unpleasant to eat with and visit the zoo with, are basically innocuous. According to research by MEN, it is now known that many vegetarians progress to more extreme forms of self-righteousness as time progresses.

Related forms of crippling self-righteousness that could induce veganism include: pescetarianism and pollotarianism. In the case of pescetarianism, an individual abstains from eating animals that are not fish. In this condition, the individual fails to acknowledge that fish are animals because fish cannot be pet or cuddled. In the rare instance of pollotarianism, the person infected with pollotarianism adheres to a diet free of animals except poultry. Research provided by MEN suggests that pollotarianism is a genetic disease that is the result of breeding between a Mormon and a Scientologist.

The condition of veganism is known to be the most self-righteous, debilitating disease on the planet. Due to the extreme nature of the condition, little is known about the ramifications of veganism. MEN believe that veganism can create a social condition known as isolation. Furthermore, it is believed that once a person has reached the point in their life where they label themselves a vegan, they can no longer be helped.

Often times, becoming a vegan is a cry for help that many friends and family members are unable to address in a productive matter. Said one man who recently lost his girlfriend to veganism, "If she wanted my attention, all she needed to do was dress slutty."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Hillary, Stop Faking It

Based on the other time I had sex, I’m confident I can recognize when a woman is faking enthusiasm. Therefore, I understand why Hillary Clinton’s inevitability as the Democratic nominee for President is suddenly tenuous. As a coital expert, I know Clinton’s vulnerability in the polls is directly linked to the way she is perceived by men. Quite simply, Hillary’s lack of authenticity strikes a chord near and dear to all men - she is faking it!

For example, let’s take that manufactured laugh on display during your stump speech and debates. I’d recognize that noise anywhere. It is the same sound people make when being forced to watch Mind of Mencia. It’s just not genuine.

Perhaps Hillary had a bad relationship before and is compensating for her insecurities, but there’s no need to plant softball questions at town-hall events. It’s the political equivalent of stuffing your bra. It’s certainly not authentic and it makes us question the other ways Clinton may manifest her insecurities. Is she going to rake away the benefits of social security with her political teeth if we forget her State of the Union address again? Hillary’s carefully crafted image leaves me with serious doubts about the candidate’s confidence and credibility. Sure, Hillary Clinton can hit a planted softball question out of the park, but it’s kind of like finding out your girlfriend’s ex is black. It’s impressive, but not in a comfortable way.

As a male voter, I need to know a female candidate’s favorite positions on policy issues. Is Hillary going to recite a list of positions she assumes I’d enjoy just so I’ll commit my vote? Hillary, please don’t tell me Iran’s Revolutionary Guard is a terrorist organization because you think I’d like the missionary accomplished position. If you aren’t genuine, I promise our relationship won’t last more than four years. For the record, I totally prefer diplomacy style.

Hillary can still win the nomination, but she needs to convince my gender that her favorite positions on policy issues will still be her favorite positions once we commit our vote. Unfortunately, until she stops faking it, I will continue to experience the following nightmare that leads me to keep a bottle of Advil by my bed.

Noah: Can I ask you something?

Hillary: Sure, you can ask me anything you want.

Noah: Great! I really appreciate that you are so receptive.

Hillary: Oh, you have no idea just how receptive I can be.

Noah: So…what are you into?

Hillary: Well, I’m so into giving driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants.

Noah: Wow! I love that too. It’s like my favorite thing.

Hillary: Yeah, it’s just really important to me in a representative/constituent relationship.

Noah: It’s so nice to talk to someone who enjoys it as much as me. Should we give it a try?

Hillary: You know, I don’t think so. I don’t really do that.

Noah: What? You just told me you are into it.

Hillary: I know, but I meant I only give driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants when I’m in love.

Just because I live in a blue state does not mean I’m willing to be policy blue balled by a candidate.

Clinton’s lack of authenticity is so prevalent that she is unable to take a firm position on matters that have seemingly nothing to do with the upcoming election. In an Associated Press article published on December 7, Clinton was asked to name the foods that she hates. Hillary responded, “I like nearly everything.” Now if that isn’t faking it, then knowing all the words to Single White Shemale does not make me a coital expert. Obviously, when Hillary is asked what she hates putting in her mouth, we all know the correct answer is Bill.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I save all of my sick days to watch marathon's of the television show House. It's like knowing someone out there was documenting my life and broadcasting it to the world to show people the overwhelming size of my heart.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Monday, December 3, 2007

New bin Laden Tape Reveals A Bored Terrorist

??? (NB) - In a new tape released at the end of last week, Osama bin Laden inadvertently revealed insight into his personal thoughts regarding his current living condition.

The latest bin Laden tape highlighted a new facet of his enigmatic personality. Apparently unaware that he left the tape recorder on, bin Laden is heard speaking to himself prior to the commencement of his redundant jihadist tirade. "Dude, I am so bored. Working from home sucks balls. Yeah, I get to wear anti-Semitic pajamas around the cave, but it is so hard to meet new people that hate Israel and the United States. Oh shit! This thing was already on!?" said bin Laden.

As the bin Laden speech officially began, bin Laden stated that he was solely responsible for the attacks on September 11, encouraged Europe to no longer associate with the United States, and that he is superior at hide and go seek.

According to his latest message, bin Laden said, "I fucking rule at hide and go seek! That game is child's play. In 2008, America should be prepared for an attack involving water dwelling mammals."

As the audio tape trails off, a repetitive loud noise is heard in conjunction with giggling. Although it has yet to be confirmed, the Central Intelligence Agency's analysis suggests that the noise heard at the end of the tape is bin Laden giggling while playing the game Hungry Hungry Hippos.

As of this morning, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has raised the terror threat from cyan to dull magenta. DHS has asked that Americans be on the lookout for suspicious, starving hippopotamuses.