Thursday, June 21, 2007

Tom Tancredo Accidentally Deports Jesus















LITTLETON, CO
(AP) - In a colossal misunderstanding, Presidential candidate Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) has accidentally deported Jesus. According to the Tancredo for President Campaign, Congressman Tancredo was under the erroneous impression that Jesus Christ was his Mexican gardener Jesus.

At a press conference, Tancredo stated that while he was working hard to personally resolve the slight blunder with Jesus promptly, he expected Jesus to be able to forgive him for his sins. "Unfortunately, no one is perfect and I have proved that today. On the other hand, Jesus should have known better for speaking Aramaic in the United States of America. Have you heard Aramaic? It sounds a hell of a lot like Spanish! This folly is further proof that English must be the official language of the United States of America", said a confident Tancredo. After being informed by a campaign aide that he uttered the word 'hell' at his press conference, Tancredo attempted to win some points back with Jesus by hating gays.

Although Jesus was quite flustered by the recent events, he did make himself available for a recent phone interview. Over the phone, Jesus said, "Dude, I have the worst luck. No, seriously dude, I have the worst luck. I was simply trying to pass through Colorado to grab a drink with Mitt Romney and then, curse the devil, Tancredo's got a pack of dogs chasing me. Sure, I am fast, but I can't outrun a pack of dogs in sandals!" After calming down, Jesus stated that he is ecstatic NBC will be renewing The Office despite less than stellar ratings.

Currently, Republican pollsters claim they cannot tell whether or not deporting Jesus will hurt the Tancredo Campaign. It has been speculated by Republican pollsters that deporting Jesus may alienate the religious right, but big business, known to revile Jesus' anti-capitalist propaganda, has responded favorably.

9 comments:

Rich said...

Tom Tancredo humor is so now. And now, Tom Tancredo humor is so last sentence.

Dani California said...

I love it!

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

Very good and right on. If anyone was going to accidentally deport an acknowledged messiah, it would be a member of the republican party.

Mike said...

You ever thought about writing for the Onion? Or are you just copying and pasting their shit? It's damn funny though.

Lindsey said...

NJB - this is your best entry yet.

Matt said...

One time in Mexico, Jesus was my cab driver to the beach. Then on my way back, Jesus was my cab driver again, but he had changed forms and looked totally different! True Story!

David Neubert said...

Brilliant. I guess Jesus didn't have his papers in order. Or maybe they immigration confused Aramaic for Spanish.

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. said...

This is a false and depraved rumor.

Or else you are running a Satire interweb.

Rep Tom would NEVER deport Jesus Our Lord.