Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Actual Interviews is a new feature where I interview a celebrity who has already given a real interview to a journalist. Now, I ask the questions, but use their actual answers in a way that is completely out of context and most likely libel.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Noah: Sorry, I was late, but I had to sit through the movie From Justin to Kelly with the little girl that I mentor.

Kanye West: Oh, man, I love that movie so much.

NB: Hmm...I wouldn't have guessed that would be your style. Can you tell me what's on your Christmas wish list this year?

KW: Where's my 'Beam me up, Scotty' machine?

NB: I don't think those are real Kanye, I believe that was a gimmick used in the television show Stark Trek.

KW: I don't know what's going on.

NB: I'm beginning to sense that. I know 2007 has been a difficult year for Kanye West, but outside of your personal loss, which is understandably tough, is there anything you wish had happened in 2007 that did not happen?

KW: I wanted flying cars. I wanted hover boards. I wanted Nikes with a bunch of air bubbles on them, but I never wanted to dress like Tupac.

NB: Do you have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wouldn't expect a politician to be able to recite the third verse on my album.

NB: That seems pretty reasonable to me. If you don't follow politics closely, what do you take an avid interest in?

KW: Right now that news on Yahoo! is about an underwater pumpkin-carving contest.

NB: Honestly, I am not even sure if I have a response to that statement.

KW: I go anywhere from optimistic to borderline delusional.

NB: I think we seem to be close to borderline delusional right now.

KW: Will cars be solar-powered?

NB: Yeah, definitely borderline delusional. As we conclude, any thoughts about 2008?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wanted to be a designer before I wanted to a be a rapper.

NB: Interesting, but it still doesn't explain your fascination with underwater pumpkin-carving contests.

KW: There will be so few, if any.

NB: Very true. Thanks for your time Kanye.

*** - Actual interview conducted by Austin Scaggs for Rolling Stone, Issue 1039.