Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Neil Wendall, Pick Up Artist/Astrophysicist

Is your Dad a physicist? Because you are giving me an equal and opposite reaction in my pants.

Um...I am not that good at talking to girls.

Neil Wendall is Vermont's most eligible astrophysicist bachelor. If you can help him find love, leave a comment.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do

ALBUQUERQE, NM (AP) - In an attempt to energize his bid for President, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson unveiled a new campaign slogan. The slogan, 'Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won't Do' unintentionally catalyzed discussion about illegal immigration.

Standing outside of an Albuquerque-based Home Depot, Richardson let the American people know he is actively looking for work. “I am asking the people of the United States to employ me to be their next President. No one in their right mind wants to be President of the United States, which is why I have chosen Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do as my new campaign slogan. In fact, not only do I have all of my candidacy papers right here, but I am willing to do this job for half the cost of the other candidates,” said Governor Richardson.

Richardson addressed voters by pointing out the differences between him and the other candidates. A candid Richardson mentioned, “Is everyone fucking crazy? A Senator hasn’t been elected President since Kennedy. It is ridiculous that the three leading Democratic candidates are all Senators while the leading Republican candidates have experience in the Executive branch of government. Do you really want the Republicans to win the Presidency again?!?”

Richardson pleaded, “Look, I understand that minority candidates are cool right now, but why has everyone forgotten that I am half Mexican? It might be my Anglo-Saxon name, but I swear that I am a minority too! It’s like I need to bang a dude to get some attention over here.”

The announcement from the Richardson campaign sparked a strong response from Republican presidential candidates. Rudy Giuliani, who pledged to end all illegal immigration as President, was the first Republican to respond to the Richardson campaign.

“If we elect a New Mexican to be President, al Qaeda will exploit our porous borders. This threat solidifies my commitment to put an end to illegal immigration. If elected, I promise to end all illegal immigration by Septembering the 11th,” stated a determined Giuliani.

Also quick to respond to the Richardson campaign was Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo. Tancredo, who not only accidentally deported Jesus, but recently declared he’d bomb Islamic holy sites as a method of retaliating against a terrorist attack, had a fierce reaction to the Richardson campaign slogan.

“We cannot, under any circumstances, allow Bill Richardson to be President of the United States of America. His mother is Mexican and he is from New Mexico…Holy Shit! That’s like one and a half Mexicans in one person,” said Tancredo.

Confusing Spanish and Pig Latin, Tancredo concluded, “Bill Ichardson-ray for Resident-pay sounds like a mucho problemo for the American economyway.”

Surprising many, Senator John McCain did not comment on the Richardson statement. Although unconfirmed, it has been reported that McCain, who finished next to last in this week’s Iowa straw poll, was seen drunk and depressed sitting behind the wheel of his campaign bus ‘The Straight Talk Express’. Reportedly, McCain had pulled alongside the road to mix a few drinks outside of the campaign bus, which now features recent graffiti declaring the bus ‘The Fellate Cock Express’.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Neil Wendall, Pick Up Artist/Astrophysicist

Damn Baby Doll! Your body is so illegal, it makes Newton's laws look like theories.

Um...I am not that good at talking to girls.

Neil Wendall is Vermont's most eligible astrophysicist bachelor. If you can help him find love, leave a comment.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Rove To Leave White House, Will Join Ozzfest

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Karl Rove, President Bush's senior political adviser, has announced he will be leaving his current White House position on August 31. Attempting to start a new chapter in his life, Rove plans to use his political expertise to revamp musician Ozzy Osbourne's annual Ozzfest tour.

"Let's face it, Ozzy just isn't scary anymore. He is trying so hard, but I am not sure that anyone truly believes he is still worthy of his 'Prince of Darkness' nickname. It's a little bit sad. The guy used to be covered in blood on stage, but now he just moons people," said Rove. A wistful Rove added, "Dude, I used to worship Black Sabbath."

Rove, plans on joining Ozzfest on August 24 in Pittsburgh, one week before he leaves his current White House position. According to Rove, the idea to join Ozzfest came during a recent dove hunting trip.

Rove explained, "I love hunting doves. While they are an international symbol of peace, their symbolism also makes them an obvious tool for al Qaeda. What is more terrorizing than using birds of peace to attack our freedom? Anyone not actively hunting doves should really think about their commitment to America. I am starting to digress, but while I was hunting doves, I was listenting to Sabbath. At that moment, I remembered that Ozzy is infamous for biting the heads off of doves. With our shared hatred of doves, I knew I had to leave the White House to transform the now comical Ozzfest into something truly terrifying."

Ozzfest is currently on tour featuring bands with mildly frightening names like Lamb of God, 3 Inches of Blood, Devil Driver, and Hatebreed.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Bottled Water Scam Exposed: Yeah, I Tapped That!

by Alon Krashinsky & Noah Berkowitz

PURCHASE, NY/ATLANTA, GA (AP) – Beverage giants PepsiCo and Coca-Cola are reeling this week from backlash to the news that their bottled water products are a total sham.

Pepsi's Aquafina brand tap water announced last week that it would change the PWS logo printed on its bottles to a more descriptive ‘Public Water Source’. Company spokeswoman Debra Spencer said "Obviously, it has always been tap water. Our customers are idiots. Are you forgetting that we introduced Crystal Pepsi?"

Not only are sales of Aquafina down dramatically in the aftermath of the label change, but Pepsi's entire new line of fake products is now in jeopardy. "We were supposed to come out with unicorn flavored corn chips at Frito Lay by the end of the third quarter, but now who knows," said a downtrodden company product manager. He added "Get it? Unicorn – those don't even exist, I think. I mean they're extinct or whatever." Pepsi was also rumored to be preparing the launch of Mountain Sensations, a bagged air product designed to refresh the customer. "We were literally going to sell air; it was going to cost a dollar…" said Pepsi's VP of marketing, unable to hold back his tears.

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola has been put in a tough spot as well, as its Dasani bottled water product has been revealed to be tap water. "Those guys at Pepsi are real dumbasses you know," said a distributor for the company, "Next thing you know they'll be telling the whole world that the formula for Pepsi is just the one for Coke with some Skittles dissolved in it. There is no way that Pepsi could successfully sell both Diet Coke and Coke Zero. Those two products only have a difference of 1.3 calories between them, but people keep buying them! Wait, this is off the record right?"

Coke has already taken precautionary measures to keep sales strong. The company reportedly bought the world's largest fish tank from the new Atlanta aquarium and renamed it Dasani Springs. "We're going to pump the tap water into the tank, then bottle it, so technically it is spring water," said operations manager Edward Dewey. When asked what they intend to do with the fish he muttered something about new flavors of soda being offered in Asia.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

John Edwards' Wife Disappointed He Is Not a Black Woman

CHAPEL HILL, NC (AP) - Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, revealed her disappointment in her husband during a recent interview. Noting that Edwards currently trails both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Democratic fundraising totals, Elizabeth stated that despite a sincere effort, she has failed at her attempts to make John a black woman.

"I have tried extremely hard, but I just can't make John a black woman," said an exhausted Elizabeth Edwards. "Sure, John has overtly feminine features and in our state of North Carolina we have black people, but that still won't make John a black woman. If we have learned anything during this campaign, it is the fact that the country might not be ready for a white, Christian man to lead the United States."

Elizabeth listed a variety of techniques she has employed in the hopes of turning John Edwards into a black woman. Elizabeth is confident that if John can successfully become a black woman, he will surge ahead in the fundraising race. A list of tactics used by Elizabeth Edwards include: forcing him to sit in the back of the campaign bus, spending quality time with Oprah's friend Gayle King, letting him know nothing could be finer than the taste of syrup on his pancakes in the morning, and referring to him as Venus in his weekly tennis game with hair stylist Vidal Sassoon. Regardless of her attempts to help him gain ground in the polls, John Edwards is still not a black woman.

An exasperated Elizabeth exclaimed, "Things have changed so much in our country since 2004. It is almost like there are two Americas. In one America, the son of a mill worker can really inspire people to believe in the American dream. In the other America, a black guy and a woman come along and all of a sudden being the son of a mill worker is about as inspiring as being Carlos Mencia's fluffer."

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

After I spent last week lobbying Comedy Central to cancel that awful show Mind of Mencia, I flew home this weekend. On the plane, my flight attendant Lisa informed the passengers that in the event of an emergency, women and children would exit the plane first.

What a bunch of bullshit. I wonder which lawyer came up with that ridiculous policy. What good are women and children without a doctor to save their lives?

In fact, I think the Titanic had so few survivors because women and children were given priority during evacuation. After all, it is common knowledge that children aren't doctors.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Intervention Held for Erratic Dow Jones

NEW YORK (AP) - After a particularly reckless week, the closest friends and family of Dow Jones staged an intervention in an attempt to stabilize her erratic swings. Jones, largely known for her promiscuity, is famous for being filled by thirty large organizations at the same time. The scrutiny of being a public figure with a promiscuous reputation has led Jones to struggles with severe highs and lows and stints in rehab. Following her largest surge in nearly five years, Jones was confronted about her lack of stability.

The intervention included many famous friends of Dow Jones. Attendants included: Bill Gates of Microsoft, Michael Eisner of Disney, and David Spade. Reportedly, Carlos Mencia attempted to be included, but was banned from participating in the intervention due to fears that his 'comedy' routine might make Jones more upset.

According to David Spade, "It's time for Dow Jones to say buh-bye to her recent behavior. A lot of people are invested in her, which means she has to recognize some level of responsibility as a public figure. Unfortunately, she thinks being filled with thirty large organizations on a daily basis entitles her to behave in any manner she chooses." A sardonic Spade continued, "After losing Farley, I was like this is Deja Vu, but Dow Jones was like 'Is that a new club in the Meat Packing district?' So, I was like whatever, but then she was like whatever." Without making an obvious point, Spade concluded, "There, I said it."

In related news, McDonald's announced it would be selling its ownership of Boston Market after discovering the restuarant offered vegetables to customers.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Comedy Central: We Thought Mencia Was Horatio Sanz

(AP) - In an attempt to clear up years of confusion, Comedy Central has published an official press release in to explain its decision to air the series Mind of Mencia. According to Comedy Central's Executive Vice President Tony Fox, the series has been on television simply because Comedy Central mistook Carlos Mencia for a svelte Horatio Sanz.

"At Comedy Central, it has come to our recent attention that we have made a huge mistake. We were very surprised to learn that Mind of Mencia does not star a sort of trim Horatio Sanz. Truthfully, we had never watched this show, but signed a contract with the assumption that Horatio Sanz would be a Latin Chris Farley. Sadly, we were wrong on many counts. After sitting through another Mind of Mencia commerical featuring midgets and Carlos Mencia in drag, we have realized our error and apologize to our viewers," said Fox.

Comedy Central will attempt to fill the time slot occupied by Mind of Mencia with unreleased footage of Dave Chappelle shopping for groceries. This footage, which will be narrated by Charlie Murphy, is believed to feature Chappelle repulsed to find out that Count Chocula is a pale, caucasian vampire.