Monday, December 24, 2007

Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

1 comment:

gravitational waves said...

That was absolutely hilarious. I think your funniest one yet...