eHarmony To Sponsor GOP Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Prior to Monday evening's Democratic presidential candidates' debate, which featured the presidential hopefuls responding to questions submitted via YouTube, the Republican Party announced its next debate would be sponsored by eHarmony.

Although details of the upcoming eHarmony Republican debate have not been finalized, some facts about the event have been revealed. Prior to the debate, all Republican presidential candidates will be required to fill out a comprehensive 436 part questionnaire. The questionnaire will be used to provide voters with a compatability candidate. eHarmony's compatability index will assess presidential candidates on variables including: physical appearance, willingness to shotgun a beer with a voter, ability to distance themselves from President Bush, and whether or not their skin pigmentation significantly differs from Barack Obama's. Public policy is not expected to be a factor in the eHarmony compatability index.

The announcement revealed by GOP Party Chairman, Mel Martinez, is part of an effort to bolster support for the Republican Party with technologically savvy voters. Martinez explained, “eHarmony is a perfect fit with the Republican party and we look forward to their sponsorship during our next debate. As a website that discriminates against homosexuals, we know eHarmony will support the family values endorsed by our candidates. Specifically, our non-sexual partnership with eHarmony will highlight Sam Brownback’s homophobia, Tom Tancredo’s xenophobia, and wedge issue candidate, Albino McPaley’s heliophobia...Man, that guy is terrified of the sun.”

Imus: I Played the Racism Card Prematurely

NEW YORK (AP) - Former radio personality Don Imus held another press conference to express his regret over racist and sexist comments made about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. Imus announced that had he been able to predict the candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, he would have held onto his racism card.

A regretful Imus lamented, "I am ashamed that I played my racism card prematurely. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I need to be more patient. Truthfully, it was an amateur's mistake to use my racism card to talk about women's collegiate basketball. It is common knowledge that since bitches can't dunk, no one is even paying attention to women's basketball." After referring to women as bitches, Imus quickly corrected himself, "Excuse me, I meant to refer to the bitches as wenches."

As reporters responded with confusion, Imus stated, "Basically, had I known a black guy, a woman, a Leprechaun, and a Mormon were going to run for President of the United States, I would have never said those words about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Believe me, I still have a few racist zingers up my sleeve about Barack Obama that would bring the house down or raise the roof, I am not really sure which phrase is more popular with blacks these days. " Imus sighed, "Things just keep getting worse for me. Did you hear that a Jewish guy in New York who made his money running a media empire might run for President?"

Imus concluded his press conference by pleading with the media to retract his previous statements for racist and sexist statements to be made later. After being informed the racism card is not part of a board game that can be traded for later use, Imus accused the Jewish media of being Indian givers.