Giuliani Mistakenly Attacks Trick-or-Treaters

NEW YORK (NB) - In what is likely to create a public relations nightmare for the Giuliani for President campaign, Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani attacked a group of children dressed as aliens on Halloween.

Following his October 14 promise to prepare the United States to fight an alien invasion (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eQeNS2ux2F4), Giuliani had the opportunity to keep his word when he passed a group of five elementary school children in Halloween costumes walking from house to house collecting candy. Assuming it was an alien invasion and aliens would obviously thrive off of Reese's Pieces, Giuliani clotheslined three kids while drop-kicking two other children.

Immediately after Giuliani took down the group of children, he boisterously pumped his fist and asked his aide to check the day's date. As the aide informed Giuliani of the October 31 date, Giuliani's face lit up with an epiphany.

"I am not the least bit surprised that we were attacked on the 31 after being attacked on the 11 of September. Clearly, the terrorists hate prime numbers like they hate our freedom. Prime numbers, like American freedom, are indivisible by outside forces or numbers such as 1 or the prime number itself," declared a triumphant Giuliani.

Following Giuliani's prime number monologue, the aide informed Giuliani that October 31 is Halloween and the small alien creatures were actually a group of local children.

The Giuliani campaign states that in the fast paced environment of campaigning, Giuliani momentarily forgot that yesterday was Halloween. At the same time, they note that Giuliani demonstrated that he is the only candidate equipped to protect the United States on prime number dates.

According to the Giuliani campaign, Rudy Giuliani is expected to issue an apology sometime later today. Based on information from unnamed sources, it is believed Giuliani will ask for forgiveness and emphasize that he simply lost track of the date. As one unnamed campaign staffer said, "If Mayor Giuliani had known it was Halloween, he would have absolutely been dressed in drag."

As the kids were rushed off to the hospital for treatment, one trick-or-treater explained that he now completely understands why Giuliani's daughter supports Barack Obama for President.

Ron Paul Event Leaves Thousands of College Students Confused

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

BERKELEY, CA (NB) - This week, thousands of college students from the University of California at Berkeley left a Ron Paul for President event in complete dismay. Expecting to attend a concert by reggae artist Sean Paul, many UC Berkeley students did not realize their error until the Ron Paul field staff disassembled the Republican presidential candidate's speaking platform.

Apparently, students at Berkeley were unable to recognize Ron Paul for various reasons. Scott Weisberg, a sixth-year student, discussed his confusion. "First, that old guy who spoke looks a whole lot like Chancellor Birgeneau. I just assumed the Chancellor was Sean Paul's opening act. Also, I was really high," said Weisberg. Weisberg nonchalantly scratched his head as he walked away from the crowd barefoot.

Other students caught on to their folly quickly. "Man, I really wanted to hear the song Gimme the Light, but the old guy kept talking about the gold standard. Sure, I see a loose connection about how gold, if held at the right angle, might shine in a way where you can give someone the light, but once the country music started, I knew we were being punk'd," said sophomore Gina Lee.

While Lee had hoped to see a concert by Sean Paul, she said the afternoon was not a total loss. Lee stated, "If you follow my drift, the whole crowd was more than prepared for the song We Be Burnin. Yeah, I had to listen to the old guy explain why the United States should withdraw from NAFTA, but whatever, I still got really high."

As word spread about the thousands of students who mistakenly gathered to hear Ron Paul speak, other candidates met with their campaigns to develop a plan on how to mislead thousands of people into attending their events. While the Giuliani campaign is rumored to be discussing a numerical scheme to mislead potential voters, only the Mike Huckabee campaign released an official plan to misinform registered voters. According to the Huckabee for President campaign, Huckabee has cut and paste his face onto the cover of every DVD copy of the movie I Heart Huckabees.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com

Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do

ALBUQUERQE, NM (AP) - In an attempt to energize his bid for President, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson unveiled a new campaign slogan. The slogan, 'Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won't Do' unintentionally catalyzed discussion about illegal immigration.

Standing outside of an Albuquerque-based Home Depot, Richardson let the American people know he is actively looking for work. “I am asking the people of the United States to employ me to be their next President. No one in their right mind wants to be President of the United States, which is why I have chosen Bill Richardson: A New Mexican Willing To Do the Jobs Americans Won’t Do as my new campaign slogan. In fact, not only do I have all of my candidacy papers right here, but I am willing to do this job for half the cost of the other candidates,” said Governor Richardson.

Richardson addressed voters by pointing out the differences between him and the other candidates. A candid Richardson mentioned, “Is everyone fucking crazy? A Senator hasn’t been elected President since Kennedy. It is ridiculous that the three leading Democratic candidates are all Senators while the leading Republican candidates have experience in the Executive branch of government. Do you really want the Republicans to win the Presidency again?!?”

Richardson pleaded, “Look, I understand that minority candidates are cool right now, but why has everyone forgotten that I am half Mexican? It might be my Anglo-Saxon name, but I swear that I am a minority too! It’s like I need to bang a dude to get some attention over here.”

The announcement from the Richardson campaign sparked a strong response from Republican presidential candidates. Rudy Giuliani, who pledged to end all illegal immigration as President, was the first Republican to respond to the Richardson campaign.

“If we elect a New Mexican to be President, al Qaeda will exploit our porous borders. This threat solidifies my commitment to put an end to illegal immigration. If elected, I promise to end all illegal immigration by Septembering the 11th,” stated a determined Giuliani.

Also quick to respond to the Richardson campaign was Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo. Tancredo, who not only accidentally deported Jesus, but recently declared he’d bomb Islamic holy sites as a method of retaliating against a terrorist attack, had a fierce reaction to the Richardson campaign slogan.

“We cannot, under any circumstances, allow Bill Richardson to be President of the United States of America. His mother is Mexican and he is from New Mexico…Holy Shit! That’s like one and a half Mexicans in one person,” said Tancredo.

Confusing Spanish and Pig Latin, Tancredo concluded, “Bill Ichardson-ray for Resident-pay sounds like a mucho problemo for the American economyway.”

Surprising many, Senator John McCain did not comment on the Richardson statement. Although unconfirmed, it has been reported that McCain, who finished next to last in this week’s Iowa straw poll, was seen drunk and depressed sitting behind the wheel of his campaign bus ‘The Straight Talk Express’. Reportedly, McCain had pulled alongside the road to mix a few drinks outside of the campaign bus, which now features recent graffiti declaring the bus ‘The Fellate Cock Express’.