John Edwards to Endorse NY Giants in Last Super Bowl

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (NB) – In a bold statement today, John Edwards has declared he will throw his support behind the New York Giants instead of the New England Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Many Americans have been waiting on the former Presidential candidate to make an endorsement of last January’s Super Bowl, but Edwards announced today that he knew in his gut, the timing was right to make a decision.

“For months, I’ve anguished over the difficult dilemma of picking a team to support in the previous Super Bowl. On one hand, the New England Patriots were undefeated going into the Super Bowl, so it’s hard not to back a team with that kind of record. At the same time, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, so it should seem kind of obvious, but let’s be honest…No one likes Eli Manning,” said an impassioned Edwards. Edwards strongly denied that his endorsement had anything to do with the fact that the New York Giants already won the Super Bowl months ago.

A spokesperson for Edwards noted Edwards’ difficulty in making a decision was directly related to his own campaign theme of two, distinct Americas. Spokeswoman Jennifer Trudeau stated, “Senator Edwards knows the country is deeply divided in their support of opposing campaigns to win the Super Bowl, which means there are definitely two Americas. Therefore, he still matters, right? No that wasn't a rhetorical question...John Edwards still matters, right?”

In related news, Senator Edwards announced a stream of endorsements this week. Included in those endorsements is his support of Kelly Clarkson over Justin Guarini in the 2002 season of American Idol and Senator Barack Obama over Senator Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party’s nominee for President of the United States.

New Clinton Slogan: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty

NEW YORK (NB) - As Hillary Clinton's polling numbers continue to slip in both Iowa and New Hampshire, the Clinton campaign has launched an aggressive blitz in an attempt to push momentum forward. In addition to taking laughing lessons from James Lipton, Clinton unveiled a new campaign slogan this week. The new slogan, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty, is a bid to portray Clinton as the candidate with the biggest balls.

Wearing an asbestos-colored pant suit, Clinton unveiled her new slogan in the company of Janet Reno and Rosie O'Donnell. "As the candidate toughest on important American issues such as defense, I believe my femininity must no longer be a focus of this campaign. Naturally, the media wants to address my gender the same way they point out that Senator Obama is too black, but somehow not black enough. Therefore, in an effort to minimize my femininity, I'd like to use my new slogan to draw attention to John Edwards' femininity. From this day forward, my new slogan is officially, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty," said Clinton.

Clinton proceeded to discuss her attributes as a candidate by stating she would be tough on Iran, could beat you in an eating contest, and, if necessary, could pee standing up.

In response to Clinton's new strategy, her rivals, Barack Obama and John Edwards, both declined to offer a response through their campaign spokespeople. The Obama campaign reiterated that Senator Obama would only attack Senator Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Meanwhile, the Edwards campaign noted Senator Edwards could not issue a comment because he was on vacation in the other America that he so frequently discusses in his stump speech.

John Edwards' Wife Disappointed He Is Not a Black Woman

CHAPEL HILL, NC (AP) - Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, revealed her disappointment in her husband during a recent interview. Noting that Edwards currently trails both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Democratic fundraising totals, Elizabeth stated that despite a sincere effort, she has failed at her attempts to make John a black woman.

"I have tried extremely hard, but I just can't make John a black woman," said an exhausted Elizabeth Edwards. "Sure, John has overtly feminine features and in our state of North Carolina we have black people, but that still won't make John a black woman. If we have learned anything during this campaign, it is the fact that the country might not be ready for a white, Christian man to lead the United States."

Elizabeth listed a variety of techniques she has employed in the hopes of turning John Edwards into a black woman. Elizabeth is confident that if John can successfully become a black woman, he will surge ahead in the fundraising race. A list of tactics used by Elizabeth Edwards include: forcing him to sit in the back of the campaign bus, spending quality time with Oprah's friend Gayle King, letting him know nothing could be finer than the taste of syrup on his pancakes in the morning, and referring to him as Venus in his weekly tennis game with hair stylist Vidal Sassoon. Regardless of her attempts to help him gain ground in the polls, John Edwards is still not a black woman.

An exasperated Elizabeth exclaimed, "Things have changed so much in our country since 2004. It is almost like there are two Americas. In one America, the son of a mill worker can really inspire people to believe in the American dream. In the other America, a black guy and a woman come along and all of a sudden being the son of a mill worker is about as inspiring as being Carlos Mencia's fluffer."

Supreme Court: Jesus Would Not Hit a Bong

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court has concluded in a 6-3 vote that Jesus would not have hit a bong. Citing the teachings of Jesus, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, "It is unreasonable to even consider that Jesus would hit a bong. He had love in his heart and did not act in violence. I had a tough time staying awake through Constitutional Law, but I can't condone violent messianic behavior. Without a doubt, I cannot allow some pothead kid from Alaska to use public property to suggest that Jesus might have acted belligerently and hit a bong. In fact, if I were face-to-face with that stoner, I'd say, 'Fuck You' in Italian."

In dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated, "This was a nonsensical case that the Supreme Court did not need to hear. Let's get real, instead of smoking from a bong, Jesus would have probably ate pot matzot during Passover. " Outside of the court, Justice Ginsburg was seen giggling excessively and munching down potato chips with Justice Souter.

Off the record, Scalia said that Justice Clarence Thomas was a swing vote until the final deliberations. Scalia revealed, "There were heated arguments inside our chambers. A few of us thought that John Edwards and Chief Justice Roberts definitely went to the same salon, but Justice Breyer, who doesn't even have any hair, kept insisting it was impossible that they went to the same salon. Once we let Justice Thomas stroke Chief Justice Roberts' coif, we were able to quickly reach a decision." After being informed the case in deliberation was not about hair, but free speech, Scalia responded, "Oh...You were talking about that case. We said fuck you to free speech quickly, but c'mon those two haircuts look pretty similar, don't they?"