Imus: I Played the Racism Card Prematurely

NEW YORK (AP) - Former radio personality Don Imus held another press conference to express his regret over racist and sexist comments made about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. Imus announced that had he been able to predict the candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, he would have held onto his racism card.

A regretful Imus lamented, "I am ashamed that I played my racism card prematurely. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I need to be more patient. Truthfully, it was an amateur's mistake to use my racism card to talk about women's collegiate basketball. It is common knowledge that since bitches can't dunk, no one is even paying attention to women's basketball." After referring to women as bitches, Imus quickly corrected himself, "Excuse me, I meant to refer to the bitches as wenches."

As reporters responded with confusion, Imus stated, "Basically, had I known a black guy, a woman, a Leprechaun, and a Mormon were going to run for President of the United States, I would have never said those words about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Believe me, I still have a few racist zingers up my sleeve about Barack Obama that would bring the house down or raise the roof, I am not really sure which phrase is more popular with blacks these days. " Imus sighed, "Things just keep getting worse for me. Did you hear that a Jewish guy in New York who made his money running a media empire might run for President?"

Imus concluded his press conference by pleading with the media to retract his previous statements for racist and sexist statements to be made later. After being informed the racism card is not part of a board game that can be traded for later use, Imus accused the Jewish media of being Indian givers.