Mets Choke, Fantasy Baseball Manager Inconsolable

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - Following the collapse of the New York Mets, who failed to make the playoffs with a seven game lead in the final weeks of the baseball season, fantasy baseball manager Noah Roth has not left his house in 61 hours.

Through a conversation on Google Talk, Roth addressed his diminishing mental health. "I have devoted all of my free time to fantasy baseball since I started participating in ESPN mock drafts back in March. I had first place throughout the entire season, but the fucking Mets fucked me on the last fucking day of the season. How could I have guessed that future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine would get pulled in the first inning of a crucial game?" typed Roth.

Noah Roth continued, "Am I supposed to drop Jose Reyes just because he is batting under .200 in September? It's not like the waiver wire had any other all-star shortshops available in my league. I used to stay up late at night to make the first acquisitions, but I never could have foreseen players that I have no personal relationship with could let me down like this. Do you know how many online dates I could have been getting if I had known I wasn't going to take first place?" The conversation took a turn for the worst when Roth, unable to express his displeasure in words, typed in a string of endless frowny faced emoticons.

According to Roth's spokeswoman, his mother, Roth swears to get even next year by not allowing Tom Glavine to play for his fantasy team.

Catholic Church Unveils 'Beauty & the Priest'

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Following a court settlement of $660 million between the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles and over 500 alleged victims of clergy abuse, the archdiocese has unveiled a plan to bolster its finances prior to the large payout. With support from the Vatican, the Los Angeles archdiocese announced the production of a new reality show titled Beauty & the Priest.

Beauty & the Priest , which will air on the FOX network, will focus on a young, handsome priest's quest to find the perfect Playboy Playmate to be baptized. According to FOX Entertainment president Kevin Reilly, "All of us at FOX are really excited about Beauty & the Priest. This show will combine the moral fiber of religion with the sex appeal generated by Playmates baptized in white t-shirts. We truly believe this is a win-win situation for FOX and the Roman Catholic Archdiocese." Unnamed sources have hinted the show will feature a significant twist midway through the season. It is rumored the show's producers will unexpectedly incorporate six altar boys into the series, forcing the priest to choose either a Playmate or an altar boy to win the prize of baptism.

On the heels of this announcement, television networks frantically scrambled to develop shows to compete with Beauty & the Priest. In a press release, ESPN announced its new series, Rope-a-Pope, which will feature 12 cardinals competing for the papacy in competitive boxing matches. Additionally, MTV revealed its latest chapter in the Road Rules series. Road Rules: Vatican Edition will follow six attractive, snotty college students from hilariously conflicting backgrounds as they spend 15 weeks with Pope Benedict XVI traveling in the Pope Mobile. The Pope and Road Rulers will be tasked with achieving religious miracles throughout the world. The adrenaline created by performing miracles will motivate the cast to get drunk, yell at each other, and have sex in a predictable, yet compelling format.