Alberto Gonzales Still Showing Up to Work

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Events in Washington D.C. have been a little too familiar recently. As many discuss the situation in Iraq and the upcoming 2008 Presidential Election, one face continues to appear throughout Washington. Despite no longer holding a government position, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales continues to show up to the Department of Justice everyday for work.

At approximately 7:30 AM, Alberto Gonzales appears daily at the Department of Justice wearing a suit and carrying a Dora the Explorer lunchbox. Baffled by the continuity of the situation, the White House has yet to develop an exit strategy from this uncomfortable situation.

"To tell you the truth, we just haven't figured this one out yet. It's quite bizarre. Every afternoon, we explain to Mr. Gonzales that he no longer works here, but the following morning he always shows up for work. It's almost like he doesn't remember what happened the day before," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

According to an unidentified source, Gonzales spends the majority of his days walking through the halls of the Department of Justice introducing himself to staff members, filling out yesterday's crossword puzzle, and watching the movie The Sixth Sense.

As news spreads throughout Washington about Gonzales' presence in the Department of Justice, the Democrats are rumored to be giving serious thought to squandering their opportunity to do anything during a lame duck Presidency as a form of protest.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a press conference to address Gonzales' daily appearances at the Department of Justice. "Mr. Gonzales is manipulating the American people and it must stop. Last night, I watched Seinfeld and happened to come across the episode where George, despite being fired from his job, shows up to work everyday as if nothing happened," stated Pelosi.

An impassioned Pelosi continued, "The Democrats are not going to stand here and watch Alberto Gonzales neglect the wishes of the American electorate. In fact, we will no longer stand and watch any of these outrageous situations occur," said Pelosi. After pausing, Pelosi kept to her word and sat down on a massage chair from the Sharper Image.

Bush Commutes The Hamburglar's Prison Sentence

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Shortly after commuting the prison sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, President Bush announced he would be commuting the Hamburglar's jail term. As a result, the Hamburglar's criminal record will not be cleared, but he will not serve time in prison.

The Hamburglar, charged with revealing the identity of the Fry Guy to the American public, will still be required to pay a $250,000 fine. According to the Hamburglar, "Robble, robble, robble. I thank President Bush for commuting my sentence. As I've mentioned previously, I am simply being used as a scapegoat by Grimace. Although I truly love hamburgers and Happy Meal toys, I gave up my association with everything McDonald's when it was revealed the McDonald's Monopoly game was awash in fraud. The identity of the Fry Guy has changed since I left McDonald's, which proves I would not have had access to this information. Robble, robble, robble."

Addressing what is only his fifth commutation during his Presidency, Bush declared the Hamburglar's sentence "harsh, excessive, shocking, and awe-inspiring." The White House cited executive privilege to administer the commutation. Although the White House could have had the case reviewed by the Justice Department, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could not recall ever eating at McDonald's. As a result, the Department of Justice did not involve itself in the case.

The Bush Administration has been under immense pressure to discuss the internal link between the White House and the source of the top secret leak. In June 2003, reporter Robert Novak revealed the true identity of the Fry Guy in his column, Douchebag of Liberty.