Monday, July 2, 2007

Man Insists New iPhone Will Bathe Him

PALO ALTO (AP) - On Friday, the longing experienced by thousands of virgins reached climax with the release of Apple's new iPhone. Virgins lined the streets outside of Apple stores across the nation hoping to discover what pornography looks like on a fancy version of the iPod. Unfortunately, cities were unequipped to deal with the consequences of a myriad of virgins adapting to natural sunlight. Due to sunlight exposure, many virgins became delirious about the capabilities of the iPhone. One delirious virgin, Harold Brouwer, proclaimed that his new iPhone would surely bathe him.

Brouwer, 29, became delirious shortly after purchasing an iPhone. Following his purchase, Brouwer realized his iPhone was useless without an exclusive cell phone contract with AT&T. Baffled as to whether or not he would be able to transfer his T-Mobile Favorite 5 to his iPhone, Brouwer explained that the $599 phone would be worth it when it bathes him. "Do you think that I would spend all day in the sun to buy a gadget that allows me to make a phone call while listening to Limp Bizkit? Obviously, you are missing the whole point. This fine piece of technology is the world's most compact shower," said Brouwer. Brouwer proceeded to hold the iPhone over his head while he pretended to scrub his legs with soap ensuring he goes another decade without touching a woman.

Mr. Brouwer's behavior created such commotion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has stated that next month's iPhone 2.0, which will render the current iPhone useless, will most likely bathe virgins.

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