Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Bush Commutes The Hamburglar's Prison Sentence


WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Shortly after commuting the prison sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, President Bush announced he would be commuting the Hamburglar's jail term. As a result, the Hamburglar's criminal record will not be cleared, but he will not serve time in prison.

The Hamburglar, charged with revealing the identity of the Fry Guy to the American public, will still be required to pay a $250,000 fine. According to the Hamburglar, "Robble, robble, robble. I thank President Bush for commuting my sentence. As I've mentioned previously, I am simply being used as a scapegoat by Grimace. Although I truly love hamburgers and Happy Meal toys, I gave up my association with everything McDonald's when it was revealed the McDonald's Monopoly game was awash in fraud. The identity of the Fry Guy has changed since I left McDonald's, which proves I would not have had access to this information. Robble, robble, robble."

Addressing what is only his fifth commutation during his Presidency, Bush declared the Hamburglar's sentence "harsh, excessive, shocking, and awe-inspiring." The White House cited executive privilege to administer the commutation. Although the White House could have had the case reviewed by the Justice Department, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could not recall ever eating at McDonald's. As a result, the Department of Justice did not involve itself in the case.

The Bush Administration has been under immense pressure to discuss the internal link between the White House and the source of the top secret leak. In June 2003, reporter Robert Novak revealed the true identity of the Fry Guy in his column, Douchebag of Liberty.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol, amazing. You should check out this song I found online about the whole libby situation: http://www.myspace.com/maketomorrowtoday
It's a good rallying cry about the hypocracy of commuting Libby so close to the 4th of July.

Dani California said...

Douchebag of Liberty...I love it.

Noah said...

Douchebag of Liberty is out of respect to The Daily Show. For years, The Daily Show has referred to Novak as a douchebag of liberty. Out of my love for the show, I decided to name Novak's column, Douchebag of Liberty.

Alycia said...

"i'm lovin it!"