Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Financial Advice: Ask A Bear

Q: Hi Noah -- Should I invest in Blackstone stock? Alex M. in Palo Alto, CA

A: Thanks for writing in with a great question Alex. As a UC Berkeley alumnus, I am more than qualified to respond to your inquiry. You might not be know this, but as a Cal Bear, my school has received many accolades in economics and business. With my Berkeley education, I'd recommend that you allow me to manage your entire savings.

Since its recent IPO, Blackstone has been getting a ton of publicity. As a result, my inbox has been flooded with questions about his stock. This guy has been around forever, but it is great to see the financial world giving him some attention. Let's face it, people have been getting dressed for a long time and Mr. Blackstone's list of the best and worst dressed celebrities simply acknowledges the obvious: Everyone wears clothes, but not everyone looks good wearing bling.

I am not sure why Wall Street is behind the curve on Mr. Blackstone, but I have a hunch. Personally, I believe the interest in Blackstone is related to increasingly progressive attitudes towards homosexuality. While it was clear to me that only a homosexual would create an annual list of the worst dressed women, it has not always been cool to be gay. Since Rosie O' Donnell was rumored as a potential successor to host The Price Is Right, it is now mostly cool to be gay on either coast of the United States. Quite simply, more welcoming feelings towards homosexuals have enabled Wall Street to lovingly embrace this fabulous stock.

As a bear, I believe this stock is going to rise over time. While my co-worker has referred to my advice as bull, I find her comments offensive on two fronts. First, I do not appreciate her referring to my advice as bullshit when I know this stock will go up. Additionally, I would like to speak out against her anti-Semitism. Her inappropriate reference to my investment tips as bull is an outdated anti-Semitic stereotype which perpetuates the belief that Jews have horns on their head. If you had a glimpse at my chest, you’d know that I am indeed a bear.

In conclusion, I highly recommend that you buy this stock. As long as nude beaches continue to be a destination for the elderly, attractive people will buy clothes. Unless good-looking people bathe nude, you can count on Mr. Blackstone’s list of best and worst dressed celebrities to impact our culture and our wallets.

Recommendation: BUY NOW!

Please email your questions on investing to

Noah does not know the difference between a bear market and bull market. He is under the impression that as a hairy graduate of UC Berkeley, he is a bear. It is strongly suggested that you do not take his financial advice.


Justin said...

Why DO elderly people frequent nude beaches. Aren't they afraid of the seagulls?

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