Alberto Gonzales Still Showing Up to Work

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Events in Washington D.C. have been a little too familiar recently. As many discuss the situation in Iraq and the upcoming 2008 Presidential Election, one face continues to appear throughout Washington. Despite no longer holding a government position, former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales continues to show up to the Department of Justice everyday for work.

At approximately 7:30 AM, Alberto Gonzales appears daily at the Department of Justice wearing a suit and carrying a Dora the Explorer lunchbox. Baffled by the continuity of the situation, the White House has yet to develop an exit strategy from this uncomfortable situation.

"To tell you the truth, we just haven't figured this one out yet. It's quite bizarre. Every afternoon, we explain to Mr. Gonzales that he no longer works here, but the following morning he always shows up for work. It's almost like he doesn't remember what happened the day before," said White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

According to an unidentified source, Gonzales spends the majority of his days walking through the halls of the Department of Justice introducing himself to staff members, filling out yesterday's crossword puzzle, and watching the movie The Sixth Sense.

As news spreads throughout Washington about Gonzales' presence in the Department of Justice, the Democrats are rumored to be giving serious thought to squandering their opportunity to do anything during a lame duck Presidency as a form of protest.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a press conference to address Gonzales' daily appearances at the Department of Justice. "Mr. Gonzales is manipulating the American people and it must stop. Last night, I watched Seinfeld and happened to come across the episode where George, despite being fired from his job, shows up to work everyday as if nothing happened," stated Pelosi.

An impassioned Pelosi continued, "The Democrats are not going to stand here and watch Alberto Gonzales neglect the wishes of the American electorate. In fact, we will no longer stand and watch any of these outrageous situations occur," said Pelosi. After pausing, Pelosi kept to her word and sat down on a massage chair from the Sharper Image.

Rove To Leave White House, Will Join Ozzfest

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Karl Rove, President Bush's senior political adviser, has announced he will be leaving his current White House position on August 31. Attempting to start a new chapter in his life, Rove plans to use his political expertise to revamp musician Ozzy Osbourne's annual Ozzfest tour.

"Let's face it, Ozzy just isn't scary anymore. He is trying so hard, but I am not sure that anyone truly believes he is still worthy of his 'Prince of Darkness' nickname. It's a little bit sad. The guy used to be covered in blood on stage, but now he just moons people," said Rove. A wistful Rove added, "Dude, I used to worship Black Sabbath."

Rove, plans on joining Ozzfest on August 24 in Pittsburgh, one week before he leaves his current White House position. According to Rove, the idea to join Ozzfest came during a recent dove hunting trip.

Rove explained, "I love hunting doves. While they are an international symbol of peace, their symbolism also makes them an obvious tool for al Qaeda. What is more terrorizing than using birds of peace to attack our freedom? Anyone not actively hunting doves should really think about their commitment to America. I am starting to digress, but while I was hunting doves, I was listenting to Sabbath. At that moment, I remembered that Ozzy is infamous for biting the heads off of doves. With our shared hatred of doves, I knew I had to leave the White House to transform the now comical Ozzfest into something truly terrifying."

Ozzfest is currently on tour featuring bands with mildly frightening names like Lamb of God, 3 Inches of Blood, Devil Driver, and Hatebreed.

Bush to Award Medal of Contempt

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – As the House Judiciary Committee voted to cite two members of the Bush administration for contempt of Congress, the White House announced President Bush would officially present the Presidential Medal of Contempt next week.

Current White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers, both cited in contempt of Congress for their failure to comply with subpoenas issued in the investigation of the firings of eight U.S. attorneys, will be named recipients of the Presidential Medal of Contempt.

Bush, who will award the Medal of Contempt during a Congressional recess, is said to have scheduled the ceremony during recess in the hopes of joining the recipients for a game of kickball following the ceremony.

The ceremony will mark the inaugral Presidential Medal of Contempt event. Bush declared his passionate enthusiasm for the award. “I am honored to award these deserving Americans with the Presidential Medal of Contempt. Throughout my life, The Contempest has always been my favorite Shakespearian story. Bolten and Miers are like a couple of Montagues and Catapults. I love the way those fellas just tame the stew,” exclaimed a boisterous Bush.

The Democratic Congress reported a sense of outrage after being informed of Bush’s decision to recognize Miers and Bolton with an award.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated the Democrats would respond swiftly to Bush’s continual practice of presenting awards to members of the administration with questionable records of service.

With Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid by her side, Pelosi said, “This nation has had enough of President Bush ceremoniously handing out medals to undeserving Americans like George Tenet, Harriet Miers, and Josh Bolten. To show that we will not stand for this abuse, the Democratic Congress will be presenting legislation to retroactively instate Opposite Day.”

Senator Reid added, “I look forward to attending the Presidential Medal of Contempt ceremony…Oops, looks like Opposite Day just started bitches!”

Bush Refuses to Cut and Run from Tony Blair

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - In a recent press conference, President George W. Bush announced that he will not acknowledge Gordon Brown as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Instead, Bush has vowed to stay the course and will continue to recognize Tony Blair as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

According to the White House, President Bush's decision to stay the course on Tony Blair is due, in part, to the President's inability to create a good nickname for Gordon Brown. "As the decider, the President has not been able to select an extremely obvious nickname to assign Mr. Brown. While several options were presented, President Bush has yet to hear anything that speaks to his gut," said Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino. The official position of the White House is that without a nickname, President Bush will not negotiate with members of the Axis of People.

"Truth is, I am just stumped on this Gordon Brown nickname thing. I call Condi 'Brown Sugar', so that one is taken. I used to call FEMA chief Mike Brown 'Brownie', so I thought about using 'Brownie 2', but 'Library Guy' informed me my choice included a homonym. Obviously, The Bible preaches against homonyms, so in that situation, I had to forfeit my right to choose. Until I decide on a gem, I will not cut and run from Tony Blair," noted President Bush. After making his statement, Bush swiftly stepped onto Air Force 1 with the intent of holding a nickname retreat in Crawford, Texas.

When probed by reporters, the White House has vehemently denied that politics have influenced Bush's decision to ignore Brown. It is rumored that Vice-President Dick Cheney has access to secret documents which contradict apolitical statements previously made by the White House. As indicated by an unnamed source, the Office of the Vice President had detailed plans to generate a nickname for Gordon Brown that would drive a wedge between the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and an unnamed advocacy group that refers to African Americans with politically correct terminology.