Monday, September 10, 2007

Noah Lot More about Wales


Wales is one of four countries which constitutes the United Kingdom. By far, Wales is the least respected country in the United Kingdom. Consequentially, Wales has been given the slogan, "Wales: The San Fernando Valley or New Jersey of the United Kingdom". Besides being the largest principality in the world, it is also home to the largest amount of people who find sheep attractive. The role of sheep cannot be neglected when evaluating the history and culture of Wales.

The earliest boundaries of Wales were established in the 7th century by King Offa of Mercia. King Offa issued a decree enacting the boundaries of Wales. This decree, known as Offa's Dyke, is second only to Ellen DeGeneres as the most influential dyke in Western civilization.

Although the Romans occupied Wales until 410, Germanic tribes were responsible for developing modern Welsh culture. While the Romans considered sheep a delicacy, the Germanic tribes believed sheep could keep them warm through the cold Welsh winter. The sheep were not only able to keep the Germanic tribes warm, but they were also fucked regularly. The result was the world's first native Welshman.

As the offspring of Germanic tribes and sheep, the earliest Welsh people developed a distinct language of their own. To this day, Wales is known for a dialect even more amusing than Gaelic. Besides an intolerable vernacular, the Welsh people look bizarre as their ancestors frequently banged sheep. Their unique facial features helped determine the name of the country. The name Wales originates from the Germanic word Walha, meaning "stranger", which is what the child of a sheep and a Germanic tribesman would look like to people who don't practice bestiality.


Clearly, the impact of one lonely Germanic tribesman to copulate with a sheep cannot be underestimated. The decision to fuck a sheep has not only spawned Welsh culture, but years of ridicule from the English who seem to forget that their Royal Family is the result of inbreeding.

Noah Lot More about Wales is the first part of an undetermined travel series profiling places that I will never intentionally visit.

16 comments:

Lindsey said...

I really liked this blog entry, it makes me want to go to Wales.

Noah said...

Lindsey is awesome. Great work!

Noah said...

Too bad my actual comments can be identified when my name above is in blue. Regardless, Lindsey is still pretty awesome.

Actually Noah

Anonymous said...

http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/wolves_in_sheep's_clothing.htm

you are going to hell.

- actually a sheep

Lisa said...

Congratulations on crossing the final blogging frontier: bestiality. Excellent.

Anonymous said...

Great work!

No day in satire is complete until someone tells you you're going to hell.

Anonymous said...

Unoriginal. Unfunny. Bland. Offensive to a nation with an ancient history and with a right to b eunashamedly proud of its heritage. You chose to offend the Welsh people for what reason Noah? Sleep well knowing your comments (I would never describe this crass dirge as humour) have insulted a lot of good, nice people you Xenophobic moron. Have a nice day.

Noah said...

Anonymous,

I chose to offend the Welsh people because my Welsh friend named Jamie asked me to write something about Wales. He suggested mentioning something about shagging sheep. I also chose to offend the people of the United Kingdom because my friend Josh suggested writing a mock travel guide. I put those two suggestions together and created something unfunny, unoriginal, and bland.

As for being xenophobic, I see the root of your assumption, but you are definitely wrong. I love music and don't discriminate against xylophones although I play the guitar.

Anonymous said...

Xylophones Noah? Please stopit, you're not funny.

The issue I, and a considerably large number of other Facebook users have, is that you chose to advertise your comments on the Facebook page dedicated to the England v Wales group. Granted there is a Wales v England group, but the whole purpose of the groups are a race between the two to be first to 50,000. Nothing political behind it yet you stir it up and you're not even one of us or them. There's enough venom between Wales and England, we don't need drab and old hat insults added by Americans.

Anthony Hopkins, Catherine Zeta Jones, Christian Bale, Ioan Gruffyth,Katherine Jenkins, Charlotte Church, Manic Street Preachers, Stereophonics, Lost Prophets, the list goes on. Can you explain why you think these people look like sheep? Have you ever been anwhere NEAR Wales Noah?

Y Ddraig said...

Hia noah, you know who I am, I'm the one that started this huge amount of opposition to you and you alone! Your mate josh, or all your Welsh friends, they've gotta be dafter than you to think your funny. I'm even wondering if the xylophone joke was intentional or if you're just as thick as they come. I am quite intrigued into what type of work you do, because I know its not comedy scripting. Do me a favour, the sooner you remove this post, the sooner we leave you alone. You picked the wrong patriots to joke about!

Jamie said...

I am the infamous friend Jamie, and yes, i did indeed ask Noah to write something about my country and to talk about sheep in jest. I think the article was brilliant and that Noah is a seriously good writer.

2 issues i have with those complaining - first of all, you sound like a dumbass American who can't take sarcasm, and second of all, have you not been to a City game and sung "1-0, to the Sheepshaggers....".

Keep up the good work Noah - next thing to work on: "Is there scientific proof that the colder it is, the less a Valley's bird wears on a Saturday night out?"

Cymru am byth.

Anonymous said...

Jamie, you've obviously been Stateside way too long if you consider that drearly crap to be funny. Take to be told from WALES-residing WELSH people who actually have some pride in their nation.

Just swear allegiance to the Stars n Stripes and move on, hand yr Welsh Card in at the exit.

Jeez if that's yr idea of humour I'm glad I'll never go out on the turps with you lot.

Josh said...

I am the aforementioned Josh. The reason I suggested that Noah write about a travel entry was due to the simple fact that your average xenophobic American's knowledge of geography and other cultures/countries is ripe for satire (Wales and the sheep were suggested separately).

Thank you all for showing me that it is not just Americans that can patriotic to the point of paralysis. Your blind unobjective outrage over something as silly (and funny) as this post has added a new level to the humor. You've been called sheepshaggers as often as we've been called a$$holes.

One last thing: you should be honored to count Jamie (a proud Welshman with a sense of humor) in your ranks. If you give him a few years you could add someone to that list of famous Welshmen that is not an actor or singer.

Jamie said...

Let me tell you one thing "anonymous". I'm born and bred Welsh as has my family for at least 5 generations. I've been going to Ninian Park and to the Arms Park/Millenium Stadium since i was old enough to stand on my own 2 feet. I am a sheepshagger and as proud of my home nation as you get....but i can also take a joke and the best kind of jokes are ones where you can laugh at yourself....don't take yourself so seriously.

Noah, lets have some more humour based over this part of the world...something about the French - they're always easy to make fun of!! Or how about the war and how you septics sat on your backsides for 2 years while we did all the hard work!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bluebirds said...

jamie, im welsh, a city fan and sing that song, but i would never let a non welshman(your friend?) degrade our proud ancient nation on the net for all to see. i think your your being bullied by your friend and you need to get some balls. diolch. p.s. you aint welsh. you sound more like a yank.