Thursday, June 14, 2007

My Advice For Iran


What's up Persian Princess? You lookin' good girl. That new hijab you are sporting totally matches your sexy ankles. Huh, what did you say? No, of course I am not punking you girl! Oh, I get it. I know things haven't been the same since you’ve stopped gracing the cover of every weekly news magazine, but don't get downtrodden you sexy thang. It’s a cruel world, but we both know you aren't as good-looking as Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. This doesn't mean you can't be front page news; it simply means you need a makeover to win back our hearts and short attention spans. Therefore, you should know that I am here to help and offer my advice during this period of low self-esteem.

The first thing you should do is acknowledge your competition. With LiLo passing out intoxicated in cars and Paris crying on her way back to jail, times are tough for an older lady like you. Let's face it, those bitches are in their prime and your history extends almost 6,000 years. Basically, you need to face the facts and realize that you are a cougar. Although, you aren't a spring chicken anymore, you can't be intimidated by LiLo and Paris. Quite simply, you are just going to have to outslut those other girls for attention. I am not talking about glory holes, let's keep it somewhat decent. After all, we still want to be able to fantasize about you. Therefore, I recommend that you get a tattoo. Specifically, you need a tramp stamp. In case you aren't clear, a tramp stamp is the tattoo located on a woman's lower back, just above her ass. You just need a lil' somethin' somethin' to make us want to know more and picture what you'd look like bent over. I don't know what design you should pick, but it should probably express your antipathy for the Great Satan, the United States of America. Just remember, everyone is intrigued by a bad girl.

I know that old habits die hard, but it is time for a new gimmick. Sure, the whole Holocaust was a myth conference was adorable in a cancer is funny kind of way, but you need to be smarter about these things. Haven't you learned that everyone hates the Jews? You need to think outside the box if you really want to captivate us. I think you should hate something original like grandmas. How about creating a musical where grandmas are tortured to the music of the Beatles? I think this would get you headlines for at least two weeks. Just think it over.

In a similar vein, you need to work hard to keep surprising us. Yes, blowjobs are great, but if I know exactly when you are going to put the ice cube in your mouth, it just doesn’t feel the same. In that respect, the whole overly dramatic "we are going to be a nuclear country" thing is getting a bit played out. Sure, that Gnarls Barkley song "Crazy" was really great the first 18 times you heard it, but all of a sudden the ladies didn't feel the immediate need to dance and blue ball guys at clubs. I'm just saying the nuke thing is kind of repetitive and you should probably think of a twist to compete with Lost during sweeps. I know that our cultures are different, but since you want to be noticed, you’ll need to remember that we are a short attention span nation. I don’t know how many ways I can say it, but all of us stopped caring about whether or not Mulder and Scully would be a couple after a few years. Surprise us you little minx and I am sure we won’t be able to stop talking about you again.

Listen babe, I know it is frustrating to be constantly competing with the pretty girls at school for attention, but I don’t want you to ever forget about your appeal as the crazy girl who will do anything for attention. Hang in there and feel free to take my advice, I am pretty sure you’ll be back on our minds immediately. If all of my suggestions do not seem to be working very well, I think you should have a threesome with LiLo and Paris. Obviously, you’ll need to videotape it and accidentally release it to the media. This will keep us salivating over you on every hourly news show that airs in this country. Well, at least until the next season of American Idol begins.

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