Wednesday, June 13, 2007

R. Kelly: You Need to Noah Lot More












R. Kelly is truly a modern day renaissance man. His lengthy resume includes entertainer, pedophile, resident of the gray bar hotel, and golden shower aficionado, but with the release of his recent album Double Up he has added paleontologist to his already impressive curriculum vitae. While most paleontologists spend their entire careers hoping to discover a new type of dinosaur, it appears that R. Kelly has urinated on the dirt enough times to accidentally bump 'n' grind his way into a new species of dinosaur. What did R. Kelly name his new Jurassic discovery? According to his song, "The Zoo", R. Kelly has eloquently named his find the Sexasaurus. Obviously, Stegowhorus had already been taken.

A sample of the lyrics to this seductive hymn include:
Girl, I got you so wet
It's like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I'm your Sexasaurus baby

Look, the first time we found out that R. Kelly liked to check out teenage girls, I am sure we could all relate. Let's be honest, isn't the only reason to sit through Pirates of the Caribbean 3 to fantasize about sorority girls fantasizing about Johnny Depp? He kind of lost me on the golden shower thing, but I spent four years in a fraternity, so I don't have very high standards for an acceptable shower. As a patient fellow, R. wasn't able to completely alienate me until he released the five-part opera Trapped in the Closet. I am sure he had a couple of pyromaniacs still cheering for him when he threatened to burn down that bitch's house in his opera, but the Sexasaurus? Well, that's not even clever. Also, it's a little too obvious that the Sexasaurus is going to be part of a complex alibi once R. Kelly gets caught having sex with underage lizards.

Sure, I believe that R. Kelly can fly, but if he doesn't keep his libido under control, the only sky that he is going to be touching is located above County Jail between 3 and 4 pm. R. Kelly's desperate need for attention can only be appropriately rewarded on a blog that desperately needs attention. As a result, R. Kelly is officially this month's candidate to Noah Lot More.

1 comment:

NotAshamed said...

Actually to be clear, its a twelve part opera, and to be technically correct its a hip-hopera.