Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Am I a Teen Wolf Too?

Dear Dr. Drew,

I know that most of the inquiries you receive on Loveline focus on discolored genitalia, but I am hoping you could address some body development issues. Recently, I've been watching a lot of television to help me generate unrealistic expectations about a woman's body. While I'll need to make some minor revisions of my ideal feminine figure after finding out that the cute chick from Bosom Buddies is a dude, I stumbled upon the show Growing Pains. As I was reminiscing about Leonardo DiCaprio's prepubescent days, I decided to check Kirk Cameron's website for current information about the actor who played Boner. I am slightly confused, but Kirk's website, Kirk's Kristian Krusade, just wasn't what I was expecting. While I believed the upcoming Michael J. Fox marathon would be a good respite from Kirk Cameron's website, I soon discovered that I was not the only boy with both dope basketball skills and an abundance of shoulder hair. As I spent the afternoon feeling a little less alone, I could not help but wonder: Am I a Teen Wolf Too?

As a physician who achieved fame at the same radio station that made Carson Daly a C-list celebrity, I figure you will need a list of symptoms to determine whether or not I am a teen wolf. First things first, the hair on my body never seems to stop growing although I shave it every morning. While this exercise has enabled me to develop agility that would make Andy Dick jealous, by the end of the day my body is covered in stubble. Sure, it gives me that rugged look all over, but it is a sure sign that I might be a teen wolf too. Also, my fingernails seem to be growing each day, so I think the evidence is overwhelming. Seriously, when I am going to start chasing cars and hooking up with that hot chick who won't date me without a little bit more push to my bush? I can't wait for that shit!!! I suppose I should voice my doubts about being marketed as a Teen Wolf when I am actually 27 years old. Yeah, it gives me exposure to a younger market that can really grow with me as a werewolf, but we've all seen what happens when popular artists get typecast as teenagers. I am sure the public relations team that I hired will help me figure out this doozy of a situation.

Besides the issues that I am having with my body, I am also experiencing an intense fear of silver bullets. You should know that I was at a party and someone tossed me a Coors Silver Bullet beer. Without looking at the label, I started to drink the beer, but got nauseous and spit it out because the taste resembled urine. While it shouldn't be important that I have implied I can recognize the taste of urine, it should be a red flag that I got sick from the taste of America's favorite beer. If that is not convincing enough, I guess I should tell you that I recently left an outdoor concert when Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band announced they were going to be including Kid Rock in their set that night. I don't know what came over me, but I felt a chill down my spine and quickly exited the venue. Thankfully, my mood improved as I hopped on the roof of my buddy's van to pseudo-surf to Beach Boys classics. Who doesn't feel like mock surfing when Barbara Ann comes on the radio? Only people that aren't teen wolves that's who.

I think it is pretty clear that I am a teen wolf too, but as a physician, I figured you would be able to shed some light on my condition. Also, if you get a chance, all that hair on my "body" seems to be really itchy. If you have any insight on that minor condition, I'd appreciate your expertise.

Probable Teen Wolf Too,


Anonymous said...

you should post the pictures of you shaving your beard in sequence.
this is the perfect venue for those.

Vincent said...

fucking hilarious!

Anonymous said...


Dani California said...

Look out Onion...I'd rather Noah Lot More.

FML said...

Hola SeƱor Noah,

Quite a doozy of a situation you've got going on there my friend. Dr. Drew might short circuit after reading that! I can empathize with a lot of what you've said, minus the Teen Wolf stuff, which I guess was your main point, but oh well...the important thing to take away from this is that you had the proper knee-jerk reaction in leaving when Bob Seger and his Silver Sellout Band announced Kid Rock. Your reflexes were definitely working well that night; any other reaction should only be interpreted as wrong. Richard "Boner" Stabone was played by Andrew Koenig AKA Josh Koenig AKA Josh A. Koenig. Go Dodgers!

Yours truly,
Yours truly AKA FML

Anonymous said...

Never fear, instant acceptance is here: Please post to http://www.flickr.com/groups/85018517@N00/

Stephanie Avanessian said...

Excellent... hilarious. Forwarding to my teen wolf brother