Adam "Pacman" Jones: Just Crushing on a Cop

ATLANTA (AP) - Adam "Pacman" Jones, cornerback for the Tennessee Titans, held a press conference this afternoon as the Atlanta Police Department investigated his involvement in a shooting early Monday morning. Jones, who has been arrested five times and questioned by police ten times since his arrival in the NFL, used the press conference to explain his conduct off the field.

Flanked by his entourage, Jones explained, "I would like for everyone to understand while my brain recognizes it is wrong to commit misdemeanors and felonies, my heart just can't help carrying a concealed weapon. To be honest, I have fallen in love with a Police Officer named Victoria Johnson and I just can't figure out another way to see her. A lot of times, I pick up my phone to call her, but hang up because I get kind of shy around women. Luckily, all I need to do is have one of my friends make it rain and fire a weapon in a crowded club and I will be reunited with V quickly." A member of Jones' entourage proceeded to fire a round of celebratory shots after Jones finished speaking.

Following Jones' speech and a round of gunfire, the press had the opportunity to ask Jones a couple of questions. One reporter, who noted that Jones has been arrested more times than he has intercepted a football, asked Jones if there might have been a better way to get Ms. Johnson's attention. "Well, I had the ridiculous idea to start a co-ed recreational softball team, but then my boys would have just laughed at me. I am glad that I didn't start that co-ed sports team, it would have been time consuming, impractical, and mostly just flat-out retarded," stated Jones. As the press conference concluded, Jones and his entourage set off a display of illegal fireworks and vandalized the speaker's podium to signify the conclusion of another Pacman Jones event.