Supreme Court: Jesus Would Not Hit a Bong

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court has concluded in a 6-3 vote that Jesus would not have hit a bong. Citing the teachings of Jesus, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, "It is unreasonable to even consider that Jesus would hit a bong. He had love in his heart and did not act in violence. I had a tough time staying awake through Constitutional Law, but I can't condone violent messianic behavior. Without a doubt, I cannot allow some pothead kid from Alaska to use public property to suggest that Jesus might have acted belligerently and hit a bong. In fact, if I were face-to-face with that stoner, I'd say, 'Fuck You' in Italian."

In dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated, "This was a nonsensical case that the Supreme Court did not need to hear. Let's get real, instead of smoking from a bong, Jesus would have probably ate pot matzot during Passover. " Outside of the court, Justice Ginsburg was seen giggling excessively and munching down potato chips with Justice Souter.

Off the record, Scalia said that Justice Clarence Thomas was a swing vote until the final deliberations. Scalia revealed, "There were heated arguments inside our chambers. A few of us thought that John Edwards and Chief Justice Roberts definitely went to the same salon, but Justice Breyer, who doesn't even have any hair, kept insisting it was impossible that they went to the same salon. Once we let Justice Thomas stroke Chief Justice Roberts' coif, we were able to quickly reach a decision." After being informed the case in deliberation was not about hair, but free speech, Scalia responded, "Oh...You were talking about that case. We said fuck you to free speech quickly, but c'mon those two haircuts look pretty similar, don't they?"

Tom Tancredo Accidentally Deports Jesus

LITTLETON, CO (AP) - In a colossal misunderstanding, Presidential candidate Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) has accidentally deported Jesus. According to the Tancredo for President Campaign, Congressman Tancredo was under the erroneous impression that Jesus Christ was his Mexican gardener Jesus.

At a press conference, Tancredo stated that while he was working hard to personally resolve the slight blunder with Jesus promptly, he expected Jesus to be able to forgive him for his sins. "Unfortunately, no one is perfect and I have proved that today. On the other hand, Jesus should have known better for speaking Aramaic in the United States of America. Have you heard Aramaic? It sounds a hell of a lot like Spanish! This folly is further proof that English must be the official language of the United States of America", said a confident Tancredo. After being informed by a campaign aide that he uttered the word 'hell' at his press conference, Tancredo attempted to win some points back with Jesus by hating gays.

Although Jesus was quite flustered by the recent events, he did make himself available for a recent phone interview. Over the phone, Jesus said, "Dude, I have the worst luck. No, seriously dude, I have the worst luck. I was simply trying to pass through Colorado to grab a drink with Mitt Romney and then, curse the devil, Tancredo's got a pack of dogs chasing me. Sure, I am fast, but I can't outrun a pack of dogs in sandals!" After calming down, Jesus stated that he is ecstatic NBC will be renewing The Office despite less than stellar ratings.

Currently, Republican pollsters claim they cannot tell whether or not deporting Jesus will hurt the Tancredo Campaign. It has been speculated by Republican pollsters that deporting Jesus may alienate the religious right, but big business, known to revile Jesus' anti-capitalist propaganda, has responded favorably.