Thursday, November 8, 2007

You Shouldn't Have Sex With Me


Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yes, the picture above is actually me. No, I didn't Photoshop the only decent picture I have of myself and post it online, my friend Avi did it for me.

Right about now some of you might be experiencing a warm feeling in your lap. In all likelihood, it’s your laptop. For safety precautions, I strongly recommend that you move the computer away from your body and on to a neutral surface. Oh yeah, safety is sexy. Speaking of sexy, let's get back to me.

Perhaps you can't tell from my Semitic eyebrows and lack of foreskin, but I am Jewish. Now as evidenced from my willingness to explain why you shouldn't have sex with me, you can tell I'm a traditional guy, which is why the history and customs of the Jewish people are important to me. Therefore, when I have a family, I will raise a Jewish family. Sadly, unless you are part of the .002 percent of the Earth that is Jewish, I need to let you know that probably, well maybe, we shouldn't have sex.

Look, I want to bang you too, but you shouldn't, I mean probably shouldn't, have sex with me. I'm just trying to think long-term here and I want you to understand that the world through my eyes is just a bunch of people that I shouldn't, well possibly, shouldn't have sex with. I know from the expression on your face that you are extremely disappointed, but to lessen the shock to your system, I've created a little guide below. If you use the guide correctly, you can look up your denomination and then understand why we should never, well you can never say never, have sex.

* It is very important to note the guide below only refers to sex and most definitely does not include other forms of sexual contact.

Buddhism - You believe enlightenment can be achieved if an individual can transcend suffering. The only thing more Jewish than suffering is remembering our suffering, which is what Jews call holidays. I'll see you at the S&M party where you are transcending and I'm kvetching, but this won't work.

Christianity - “Jesus Christ, this is hard,” is such a confusing thing to hear in bed. Since the Jewish people don’t refer to God by name and the phrase Jesus Christ is tossed around more casually than Paris Hilton, I’m not entirely sure whether you are aroused, praying, or trying to convert me. Maybe you could come up with some more neutral phrases in the bedroom and call me. Just a suggestion, but everyone loves music so try calling out something innocuous like flute solo or rusty trombone.

Hinduism - I am a little concerned about whether or not you can be faithful. Technically, you are devoted to one God, but you also accept the existence of other gods. This sounds like a religious gang bang to me. By the way, I think I responded to your Craigslist ad back in 2004.

Islam - Just a hunch, but I don't think you'd be pleased if I occupied your territory.

Scientology - Actually, if you believe this to be a religion, you are more than capable of making one more bad decision in your life. We should probably have sex.

10 comments:

Lisa said...

This is hilarious...so hilarious...that I imagine you might even get laid out of it! I am sure there is a nice scientologist lass for your taking reading this right now!!!

Anonymous said...

What about us Atheists? We want to know! What if I pretend to be a Scientologist?

Noah said...

Atheism - I am a guy, but I have feelings too. Your combination of cynicism and nonchalance only leaves me concerned that I'm just going to be one more faceless guy with hairy shoulders in your conquest to prove nothing exists. You should pretend to be a Scientologist.

Anonymous said...

I love this one.. only you could write this and get away with it. But what of the "shocker" eh? where does that fit into all of this? Half a shock is still a shocker. (Buddhism?)

Anonymous said...

What if I'm Jewish in my mind?

Lindsey said...

Mrs. Berkowitz, I know I know...what a blog post! But, don't be alarmed, this is clearly just Noah's unique way of letting you know he's ensuring Jewish grandchildren

Anonymous said...

When it comes to sexual activity, noah's as jewish as the olive garden is italian.

Anonymous said...

What about those of us jews who like to play with the same team? Do we have a shot at noahing a lot more?

Anonymous said...

this is so funny! if i were a man i would copy and paste this onto my jdate profile right now!

Janina Martin said...

Haha! Please come back and blog some more. :-)