Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Rove To Leave White House, Will Join Ozzfest

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Karl Rove, President Bush's senior political adviser, has announced he will be leaving his current White House position on August 31. Attempting to start a new chapter in his life, Rove plans to use his political expertise to revamp musician Ozzy Osbourne's annual Ozzfest tour.

"Let's face it, Ozzy just isn't scary anymore. He is trying so hard, but I am not sure that anyone truly believes he is still worthy of his 'Prince of Darkness' nickname. It's a little bit sad. The guy used to be covered in blood on stage, but now he just moons people," said Rove. A wistful Rove added, "Dude, I used to worship Black Sabbath."

Rove, plans on joining Ozzfest on August 24 in Pittsburgh, one week before he leaves his current White House position. According to Rove, the idea to join Ozzfest came during a recent dove hunting trip.

Rove explained, "I love hunting doves. While they are an international symbol of peace, their symbolism also makes them an obvious tool for al Qaeda. What is more terrorizing than using birds of peace to attack our freedom? Anyone not actively hunting doves should really think about their commitment to America. I am starting to digress, but while I was hunting doves, I was listenting to Sabbath. At that moment, I remembered that Ozzy is infamous for biting the heads off of doves. With our shared hatred of doves, I knew I had to leave the White House to transform the now comical Ozzfest into something truly terrifying."

Ozzfest is currently on tour featuring bands with mildly frightening names like Lamb of God, 3 Inches of Blood, Devil Driver, and Hatebreed.

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