Monday, August 13, 2007

Bottled Water Scam Exposed: Yeah, I Tapped That!

by Alon Krashinsky & Noah Berkowitz

PURCHASE, NY/ATLANTA, GA (AP) – Beverage giants PepsiCo and Coca-Cola are reeling this week from backlash to the news that their bottled water products are a total sham.

Pepsi's Aquafina brand tap water announced last week that it would change the PWS logo printed on its bottles to a more descriptive ‘Public Water Source’. Company spokeswoman Debra Spencer said "Obviously, it has always been tap water. Our customers are idiots. Are you forgetting that we introduced Crystal Pepsi?"

Not only are sales of Aquafina down dramatically in the aftermath of the label change, but Pepsi's entire new line of fake products is now in jeopardy. "We were supposed to come out with unicorn flavored corn chips at Frito Lay by the end of the third quarter, but now who knows," said a downtrodden company product manager. He added "Get it? Unicorn – those don't even exist, I think. I mean they're extinct or whatever." Pepsi was also rumored to be preparing the launch of Mountain Sensations, a bagged air product designed to refresh the customer. "We were literally going to sell air; it was going to cost a dollar…" said Pepsi's VP of marketing, unable to hold back his tears.

Atlanta-based Coca-Cola has been put in a tough spot as well, as its Dasani bottled water product has been revealed to be tap water. "Those guys at Pepsi are real dumbasses you know," said a distributor for the company, "Next thing you know they'll be telling the whole world that the formula for Pepsi is just the one for Coke with some Skittles dissolved in it. There is no way that Pepsi could successfully sell both Diet Coke and Coke Zero. Those two products only have a difference of 1.3 calories between them, but people keep buying them! Wait, this is off the record right?"

Coke has already taken precautionary measures to keep sales strong. The company reportedly bought the world's largest fish tank from the new Atlanta aquarium and renamed it Dasani Springs. "We're going to pump the tap water into the tank, then bottle it, so technically it is spring water," said operations manager Edward Dewey. When asked what they intend to do with the fish he muttered something about new flavors of soda being offered in Asia.


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