Terry McAuliffe Praises Hillary's Acceptance Speech

DENVER (NB) - Following Tuesday night's speech by Hillary Clinton at the Democratic National Convention, former Clinton Campaign Chairman Terry McAuliffe praised Clinton's speech as the greatest acceptance speech ever given by a Presidential nominee.

Although Barack Obama is scheduled to accept the nomination as the Democratic Presidential Nominee on Thursday, August 28, McAuliffe did not hesitate to praise Clinton as the party's nominee. "Hillary Clinton tonight showed why she will make the greatest Commander-in-Chief the United States has ever elected. As the candidate with the most votes, most gold medals at this year's Olympics, and the nation's first black candidate, Hillary Clinton showed why she is ready to be the Prime Minister of North America," said an enthusiastic McAuliffe.

As McAuliffe went from news network to news network praising Clinton's speech as the "greatest, most awesomest, totally best-ever speech by a Presidential nominee", CNN's Wolf Blitzer pointed out to McAuliffe that Obama, not Clinton, won the Democratic Presidential nomination. As Blitzer attempted to point out the actual results of the Democratic primary race, a passionate McAuliffe interrupted, "Wolf, neither the American people or I have no idea what you are talking about. I would have expected the team at CNN to make up a more believable name than Barack Obama, but your tactics are nothing compared to the type of hard hitting spin machine the Republicans will throw at Hillary Clinton this November."

After McAuliffe claimed that Clinton was a lock for an Oscar win for her role as The Joker in The Dark Knight, CNN abruptly cut the interview to allow correspondent John King to unveil new technology that enables King to have an interactive touch-map of Anderson Cooper's hair.

John Edwards to Endorse NY Giants in Last Super Bowl

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (NB) – In a bold statement today, John Edwards has declared he will throw his support behind the New York Giants instead of the New England Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Many Americans have been waiting on the former Presidential candidate to make an endorsement of last January’s Super Bowl, but Edwards announced today that he knew in his gut, the timing was right to make a decision.

“For months, I’ve anguished over the difficult dilemma of picking a team to support in the previous Super Bowl. On one hand, the New England Patriots were undefeated going into the Super Bowl, so it’s hard not to back a team with that kind of record. At the same time, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, so it should seem kind of obvious, but let’s be honest…No one likes Eli Manning,” said an impassioned Edwards. Edwards strongly denied that his endorsement had anything to do with the fact that the New York Giants already won the Super Bowl months ago.

A spokesperson for Edwards noted Edwards’ difficulty in making a decision was directly related to his own campaign theme of two, distinct Americas. Spokeswoman Jennifer Trudeau stated, “Senator Edwards knows the country is deeply divided in their support of opposing campaigns to win the Super Bowl, which means there are definitely two Americas. Therefore, he still matters, right? No that wasn't a rhetorical question...John Edwards still matters, right?”

In related news, Senator Edwards announced a stream of endorsements this week. Included in those endorsements is his support of Kelly Clarkson over Justin Guarini in the 2002 season of American Idol and Senator Barack Obama over Senator Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party’s nominee for President of the United States.

Hiatus Update

As of now, this website is no longer being updated four times a week. I've been working on writing in a different format, which means I have less time to devote to Noah Lot More. This website will most likely have entries in the future, but they will be sporadic.

For my latest post, please check out How to Diagnose Obama Fever

I appreciate the positive words that people have shared throughout the time this site has been around.

I encourage you to check out my work at 23/6, the Huffington Post's Comedy Site. You can find my work here: Noah's Contributions to 23/6

You can also find pieces I've written for The Panelist, a site dedicated to making a profit in a socially responsible manner, at this link: Noah's Contributions to The Panelist

For a daily dose of satire, I recommend any of the following sites: The Onion, 23/6, Stuff White People Like, The Daily Show

Best,
Noah

Mr. Pibb Pursues an Advanced Degree, Dr. Pepper Fucked

PLANO, TX (NB) - After floundering in soft drink obscurity for decades, Mr. Pibb has announced he will be going back to school to pursue an advanced degree. The unexpected announcement is expected to help Mr. Pibb compete directly with rival Dr. Pepper. In all likelihood, Dr. Pepper's claim to be the soft drink with an educational advantage is now vulnerable. As a result, many now believe Dr. Pepper is fucked.

An emotional Mr. Pibb spoke on the steps of the Plano Public Library. "For years, I promised my dear mother that I'd pursue a doctorate. She only wanted to see me achieve, but put so much pressure on me to become a doctor. I guess I only need to tell you that when we came over on the boat the family name was Pibbowitz," said Mr. Pibb as a tear rolled down his eye.

Highlighting a message of hope and change, Mr. Pibb addressed the camera. "It's time for Americans to know they can receive cavities from anybody, not just the educational elite that dominate the soft drink industry. In my heart, I know Americans want the choice to become obese in any way they choose. Their choices should no longer be dominated by the incumbent elitism of Dr. Pepper. The Americans I know do not care if their Pepsi is clear like Crystal Pepsi or dark like Diet Pepsi. We are here to prove color no longer matters in America, it's not about fancy degrees, it is simple and clear that you too can suffer from early onset-diabetes without indulging in the elitism of soft drink politics," said a fired up and ready to go Mr. Pibb.

Soft drink analysts believe if Mr. Pibb can increase his educational standing, he will remain a serious threat to long-time favorite Dr. Pepper. Bouncy McSugary, a reputable soft drink analyst, discussed the potential impact of an educated Mr. Pibb. "Mr. Pibb is a sweet guy, I mean really sweet, but you can't deny Dr. Pepper's experience. Prior to today, we knew little about Mr. Pibb. Sure, we knew that when mixed with red vines he was crazy delicious, but did he have a bachelor's degree? Maybe he only had a GED? No one knows. Which is why, despite his sweet flavor, he has been unable to compete with Dr. Pepper. This move effectively evens out the playing field. As a consequence, Dr. Pepper is going to have to run a campaign on something other than experience," said Bouncy McSugary.

Clearly shaken by the news, a despondent Dr. Pepper spoke briefly about the assumption that he was now fucked. "Boy, this kind of sucks. Really, Mr. Pibb and I are pretty much carbon copies of each other. We taste the same, we are both manufactured in red marketing materials, but what I lacked in cavity-inducing sweetness, I made up for in experience and education. I'm not sure what my next step is, but it's just so hard to be out here everyday getting scrutinized by everyone with a camera and a microphone," said Dr. Pepper as he held back tears.

In unrelated news, Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the New Hampshire Primary emphasizing her experience as a superior choice to Obama's message of hope. With each candidate achieving a recent victory, it is safe to say that unlike Dr. Pepper, as of today, neither one is fucked.

NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

Pop Culture Jesus

Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter there. Nor shall that little child enter the house of Britney Spears, for it be K-Fed who is ever so responsible in a choice between Satan and Lucifer.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Voter Fraud Suspected in Iowa, Black Vote Still Missing

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - Following a detailed evaluation of the results of Thursday's Iowa caucuses, it is now suspected that voter fraud may have occurred. Despite the fact the results have been counted multiple times, the vote from Roger Taylor, the African-American that lives in Iowa, is still unaccounted for.

After a disappointing finish in Iowa, Mitt Romney has asked for an investigation into voter fraud in Iowa. Romney who described his loss in Iowa as the result of the first inning of a fifty inning game, expressed his concern regarding voted fraud with another inept baseball analogy. "Although this might bite me in the ass the next time I run for office, I am completely opposed to voter fraud and this allegation must be investigated thoroughly. We must investigate this issue the same way replay officials examine a coach's challenge when a double-play is hit for a grand slam," stated Romney.

While the State of Iowa determines whether or not to evaluate the alleged voter fraud, various community members have come forward with their own explanation of why a vote from Roger Taylor, Iowa's black person, could still be absent from the caucus results. Said Iowa resident Charles Collins, "Dude, I think Roger is on vacation. I mean it's fucking cold during an Iowa January. Also, it's fucking Iowa, people move here just to appreciate their vacations more."

As the media continues to investigate voter fraud in Iowa, some credit must be given to the vacation theory. After all, the Iowa license plate reads: Dude, it's fucking Iowa.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com