Fred Thompson Polling Well With Non-Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Days after officially entering the Republican race for President, a new poll shows former Senator Fred Thompson is receiving high favorability numbers among people who definitely don't give a damn about voting.

Thompson, who enters the race months after other Presidential candidates, declared his candidacy while sitting on the couch of The Tonight Show. "You know, I guess I'll give running a Presidential campaign a shot...Boy, this couch is comfortable, is this pleather?" Thompson asked Jay Leno.

Thompson, who made his announcement on the same night of a Republican debate in New Hampshire, briefly discussed his feelings towards debating. Thompson explained, "Jay, to be honest, the whole debating part of the campaign really doesn't interest me. The fundraising events are pretty dope though because they serve free food and I can nap beforehand." As Jay Leno announced a commercial break, Thompson crawled into the fetal position to take a power nap before the next guest was introduced.

Polls show Thompson's appeal as an everyday American resonates with people too lazy to make concrete decisions. "Dude, Fred Thomas is the man. He understands that my day is filled with choices like is Myspace better than Facebook or should I buy the Kanye West album or 50 Cent album released this week. Obviously, I am a busy guy and I don't have time to vote, but if I did, I feel Frank Thompson's inability to really know what he wants resonates with my generation," stated someone too old to be spending his afternoon in Best Buy playing a Nintendo Wii.

Pop Culture Jesus

Do unto others as Kid Rock has done unto Tommy Lee when a douche talks shizzle about a ho you've both nailed.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Noah Lot More about Wales

Wales is one of four countries which constitutes the United Kingdom. By far, Wales is the least respected country in the United Kingdom. Consequentially, Wales has been given the slogan, "Wales: The San Fernando Valley or New Jersey of the United Kingdom". Besides being the largest principality in the world, it is also home to the largest amount of people who find sheep attractive. The role of sheep cannot be neglected when evaluating the history and culture of Wales.

The earliest boundaries of Wales were established in the 7th century by King Offa of Mercia. King Offa issued a decree enacting the boundaries of Wales. This decree, known as Offa's Dyke, is second only to Ellen DeGeneres as the most influential dyke in Western civilization.

Although the Romans occupied Wales until 410, Germanic tribes were responsible for developing modern Welsh culture. While the Romans considered sheep a delicacy, the Germanic tribes believed sheep could keep them warm through the cold Welsh winter. The sheep were not only able to keep the Germanic tribes warm, but they were also fucked regularly. The result was the world's first native Welshman.

As the offspring of Germanic tribes and sheep, the earliest Welsh people developed a distinct language of their own. To this day, Wales is known for a dialect even more amusing than Gaelic. Besides an intolerable vernacular, the Welsh people look bizarre as their ancestors frequently banged sheep. Their unique facial features helped determine the name of the country. The name Wales originates from the Germanic word Walha, meaning "stranger", which is what the child of a sheep and a Germanic tribesman would look like to people who don't practice bestiality.

Clearly, the impact of one lonely Germanic tribesman to copulate with a sheep cannot be underestimated. The decision to fuck a sheep has not only spawned Welsh culture, but years of ridicule from the English who seem to forget that their Royal Family is the result of inbreeding.

Noah Lot More about Wales is the first part of an undetermined travel series profiling places that I will never intentionally visit.

GLAAD Denounces Republican Marriage

NEW YORK (NB) - In response to yet another incident highlighting a Republican elected official illegally soliciting homosexual sex, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has decided to publicly denounce Republican marriage.

Following Idaho Senator Larry Craig's most recent announcement in which he declared he will not resign from the Senate seat he resigned the day before, GLAAD President Neil Giuliano held a press conference evaluating how Republican behavior impacts family values.

"The Larry Craig incident is one of many that demonstrates our family values are in jeopardy if we allow Republicans to marry. If I want to spend the evening at a Lance Bass concert with my lover Ricardo, I should not have to wonder if Congressman Mark Foley will be instant messaging our teenage son Frederico while my lover and I engage in monogamous anal sex. If I go to the park to walk my homosexual dog Juan during my San Francisco vacation, will I be able to go to the bathroom without having State Representative Bob Allen attempt to give me a blow job for three times the market rate?" asked Giuliano.

Senator Craig did not have a comment in response to GLAAD's denunciation of Republican marriage, but was reportedly off to investigate a glory hole located in an Idaho bathroom.

GLAAD President Giuliano concluded his conference with the following statement, "Seriously, we are begging the Republicans to stop being so gay. Their behavior is truly an embarrassment to homosexuals around the world who engage in committed, monogamous relationships. If the Republicans marry, the values held by our Founding Fathers could be in danger."

Giuliano paused before saying, "Oh God! What if the Republicans want to adopt?"

After anxiously wiping the sweat from his brow, Giuliano exited the building.

African Colberican: Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend

Below is an excerpt from Jackie Burnett's upcoming book, "African Colberican: My Life as Stephen Colbert's First Black Friend":

"Stephen Colbert claims that he can't see race, but as Stephen's first black friend, I know his claim is false. For example, why does his ice cream, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream, not contain any chocolate ice cream? Colbert can't see race, but he just happened to come out with a new version of vanilla ice cream? I don't buy it. Sure, it has a fudge swirl, but it's common knowledge that Stephen loves mulattos."

Jackie Burnett has known Stephen Colbert since their childhood days in South Carolina. Jackie became Stephen's first black friend when they were cast in a school play together. In the play, 'A Bear who Dared to Care', Jackie played the role of a bear and Stephen played the role of a lamb, which obviously symbolized Jesus. His new book, 'African Colberican' will be released by Noah Lot More Publishing in Fall 2008. He still resides in Charleston, South Carolina.

Man Hit by Object, Realizes Entourage is Lousy

ARGOS, IN (NB) - Hardware shop employee Derek Ellis experienced a life changing incident on Sunday evening. Ellis, who was on his way to meet his three lifelong friends to watch HBO's Entourage, was temporarily unconscious after being hit by a local tractor. After receiving treatment at St. Joseph Regional Medical Center for short-term memory loss, Ellis was joined by his friends to watch the season finale of Entourage. As the episode concluded and his friends cheered, Ellis was appalled.

"What do you mean we watch that every week?!? Why would I care about a bunch of characters promoting a movie that doesn't actually exist?" asked an angry Ellis.

Ellis' chubby friend, Gabe McKinley, answered the question donning a backwards red cap, a baggy jersey, and some sneakers, "Chill out E. We love this show. It's just like our real life and how we interact as friends."

Unable to remember that his group of friends refer to each other by Entourage character names, Ellis responded, "Why are you calling me E? My name is Derek."

In an attempt to pacify an angering Ellis, his good-looking friend, Ben Jackson, responded with absolutely nothing insightful. In his designer jeans, Jackson tapped his buddy's shoulder and chimed into the conversation. "Relax E, if it's meant to be, it'll happen," said a vapid Jackson.

Jackson's older brother, Jackson Jackson added, "Hey baby bro, I think E just needs me to make him an omelet and scream 'Victory'! I bet one of these nurses would fuck me."

An increasingly hostile Ellis replied, "Have you lost your minds? That show has nothing to do with our lives. We don't travel in fancy transportation, we don't hang out with models, and we don't live in mansions. Like the vast majority of Americans, that show doesn't relate to our lives. Wake up douchebags and stop calling me E!"

Ellis concluded the night by saying goodbye to his friends and counting down the days until Curb Your Enthusiasm finally returns to HBO.

China Celebrates Labor Day

BEIJING (NB) - Citizens of the People's Republic of China are celebrating Labor Day today throughout their country. To mark Labor Day celebrations in China, millions of Chinese people will be working.

Wu Yi, Vice Premier of China, spoke about the Chinese celebration of Labor Day during a public address to the nation. "Basically, every single day in China is Labor Day...Actually, every single day is Labor Day in China. We've been very pleased to find out the American people love Labor Day as much as the Chinese. After discovering our mutual admiration for Labor Day, we have asked Kathie Lee Gifford, the American celebrity, to serve as a consultant on labor relations," stated Yi.

Besides revealing the Chinese government's new relationship with Kathie Lee Gifford, Yi briefly mentioned that today's Labor Day should be much more exciting than yesterday's Labor Day, but not as exciting as tomorrow's planned Labor Day.

The public statement from Vice Premier Yi was not held without controversy. Anti-war activist, Cindy Sheehan, interrupted Yi's speech with an organized protest. Following the recent recall of Chinese toys, which were revealed to contain dangerous amounts of lead, Sheehan vowed to end her retirement from her career as a protester to highlight another global atrocity.

Sheehan's recent campaign against the lack of quality assurance associated with products exported by the Chinese government recruited many activists on college campuses. Unfortunately, many college students were attracted to the misleading campaign slogan, 'Get the Lead Out'. Unaware that many local radio stations celebrate the rock band, Led Zeppelin with a segment titled 'Get the Led Out', Sheehan was overwhelmed by the support she received on college campuses. Upon taking a group of 'Get the Lead Out' supporters to China, Sheehan realized her error when fellow activists interrupted Vice Premier Yi with repeated requests for the song ‘Stairway to Heaven’.