Mr. Pibb Pursues an Advanced Degree, Dr. Pepper Fucked

PLANO, TX (NB) - After floundering in soft drink obscurity for decades, Mr. Pibb has announced he will be going back to school to pursue an advanced degree. The unexpected announcement is expected to help Mr. Pibb compete directly with rival Dr. Pepper. In all likelihood, Dr. Pepper's claim to be the soft drink with an educational advantage is now vulnerable. As a result, many now believe Dr. Pepper is fucked.

An emotional Mr. Pibb spoke on the steps of the Plano Public Library. "For years, I promised my dear mother that I'd pursue a doctorate. She only wanted to see me achieve, but put so much pressure on me to become a doctor. I guess I only need to tell you that when we came over on the boat the family name was Pibbowitz," said Mr. Pibb as a tear rolled down his eye.

Highlighting a message of hope and change, Mr. Pibb addressed the camera. "It's time for Americans to know they can receive cavities from anybody, not just the educational elite that dominate the soft drink industry. In my heart, I know Americans want the choice to become obese in any way they choose. Their choices should no longer be dominated by the incumbent elitism of Dr. Pepper. The Americans I know do not care if their Pepsi is clear like Crystal Pepsi or dark like Diet Pepsi. We are here to prove color no longer matters in America, it's not about fancy degrees, it is simple and clear that you too can suffer from early onset-diabetes without indulging in the elitism of soft drink politics," said a fired up and ready to go Mr. Pibb.

Soft drink analysts believe if Mr. Pibb can increase his educational standing, he will remain a serious threat to long-time favorite Dr. Pepper. Bouncy McSugary, a reputable soft drink analyst, discussed the potential impact of an educated Mr. Pibb. "Mr. Pibb is a sweet guy, I mean really sweet, but you can't deny Dr. Pepper's experience. Prior to today, we knew little about Mr. Pibb. Sure, we knew that when mixed with red vines he was crazy delicious, but did he have a bachelor's degree? Maybe he only had a GED? No one knows. Which is why, despite his sweet flavor, he has been unable to compete with Dr. Pepper. This move effectively evens out the playing field. As a consequence, Dr. Pepper is going to have to run a campaign on something other than experience," said Bouncy McSugary.

Clearly shaken by the news, a despondent Dr. Pepper spoke briefly about the assumption that he was now fucked. "Boy, this kind of sucks. Really, Mr. Pibb and I are pretty much carbon copies of each other. We taste the same, we are both manufactured in red marketing materials, but what I lacked in cavity-inducing sweetness, I made up for in experience and education. I'm not sure what my next step is, but it's just so hard to be out here everyday getting scrutinized by everyone with a camera and a microphone," said Dr. Pepper as he held back tears.

In unrelated news, Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the New Hampshire Primary emphasizing her experience as a superior choice to Obama's message of hope. With each candidate achieving a recent victory, it is safe to say that unlike Dr. Pepper, as of today, neither one is fucked.

NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

Pop Culture Jesus

Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter there. Nor shall that little child enter the house of Britney Spears, for it be K-Fed who is ever so responsible in a choice between Satan and Lucifer.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Voter Fraud Suspected in Iowa, Black Vote Still Missing

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - Following a detailed evaluation of the results of Thursday's Iowa caucuses, it is now suspected that voter fraud may have occurred. Despite the fact the results have been counted multiple times, the vote from Roger Taylor, the African-American that lives in Iowa, is still unaccounted for.

After a disappointing finish in Iowa, Mitt Romney has asked for an investigation into voter fraud in Iowa. Romney who described his loss in Iowa as the result of the first inning of a fifty inning game, expressed his concern regarding voted fraud with another inept baseball analogy. "Although this might bite me in the ass the next time I run for office, I am completely opposed to voter fraud and this allegation must be investigated thoroughly. We must investigate this issue the same way replay officials examine a coach's challenge when a double-play is hit for a grand slam," stated Romney.

While the State of Iowa determines whether or not to evaluate the alleged voter fraud, various community members have come forward with their own explanation of why a vote from Roger Taylor, Iowa's black person, could still be absent from the caucus results. Said Iowa resident Charles Collins, "Dude, I think Roger is on vacation. I mean it's fucking cold during an Iowa January. Also, it's fucking Iowa, people move here just to appreciate their vacations more."

As the media continues to investigate voter fraud in Iowa, some credit must be given to the vacation theory. After all, the Iowa license plate reads: Dude, it's fucking Iowa.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com

Rage Against the Machine To Hold Peace Talks with the Machine

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In an effort to adhere to a positive message for the new year, the members of Rage Against the Machine have agreed upon preliminary peace talks with the Machine. The talks will mark the first time that members of both parties will sit down in a face-to-face effort to reconcile their differences.

Members of Rage Against the Machine identified a course in anger management as the catalyst to their new perspective on the Machine. "Our work with an experienced counselor has helped us understand that all the killing in the name of the Machine was just an attempt for the Machine to get air time on Guerrilla Radio. Although we cannot endorse this pathetic and inappropriate ploy for attention, we believe this is the best opportunity to discuss peace since the Machine has promised it will no longer be rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun," said guitarist Tom Morello.

While the source of the initial conflict is unclear, it is believed that people have been raging against the machine since 1991 when the Machine spent six days playing Mariah Carey on radio stations throughout the United States. Known as The Battle of Los Angeles to some and the Six-Day War to many, the Machine capitulated after members of Rage Against the Machine barraged the Machine with a flood of bombtracks.

The Machine admitted some hesitancy about meeting with the members of Rage Against the Machine. "Mariah Carey was huge in 1991 and everyone knows it. I could have played something else, but I was taunted by members of Rage Against the Machine who went around defying me by consistently saying, 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!' I think most people would hold their ground in the face of such hostility," stated the Machine.

The United States is playing an active role in pursuing peace between Rage Against the Machine and the Machine. Perhaps in an effort to define his legacy, President Bush is pushing peace between both parties and has agreed to personally act as a conduit of change. While it is unknown whether or not Bush will succeed, many point out President Clinton also attempted to broker a peace deal between the Machine and members of Rage Against the Machine late in his second term as President. In retrospect, it appears Clinton did not give himself enough time to achieve peace between the long-time enemies. Only time will tell whether or not Bush's determination for war will place him in a position to achieve peace between contentious parties.

Lead singer Zach de la Rocha would not guarantee any long-term peace deals with the Machine, but announced that following anger management counseling, the band has made a proactive step towards peace by changing their name to Slightly Irked at the Machine.

Thompson Unaware of Presidential Candidacy

BURLINGTON, IOWA (NB) - In a series of personal letters obtained by an unnamed source, Former Senator Fred Thompson discussed his confusion about questions from the media asking about his qualifications to be President of the United States.

One excerpt from a letter portrays Thompson as a befuddled, apathetic man:

I don't understand why Jeri wanted to take a family vacation to Iowa, but it's pretty cold here. We've been doing a rural tour and I can't believe how many people here watch Law & Order. Obviously, it is a popular show because people keep taking pictures of me here. So many Iowans ask me about my plans for the future, but I keep telling them that I am not too interested in the future. I guess these Iowans are really impressed by actors, but they don't seem to realize I am uninterested in working hard. It's the reason I became an actor. By the way, the television at the hotel does not get any good channels.

The letters discovered also indicate Thompson is completely unaware of his candidacy for President:

Still in Iowa with Jeri. Ran out of Ritalin today, so I've stopped watching tv, but found some cools clips of cats riding skateboards on YouTube. Jeri told me today I might be cast as the President in a film version of the West Wing. I guess it's sorta ok, but she says I need to act Presidential at all times. I'm not particularly interested in the role of President, but Jeri can't stop buying Jimmy Choo's. Am I the only person who finds it a little too convenient that a guy named Jimmy Choo just happens to make shoes? Boy, writing makes me tired. I think I am going to eat some cookies and take a nap.

Although the letters have been released just days before the Iowa Caucus, experts agree Thompson's polling numbers might benefit from the revelation that he has been tricked into running for President by his wife Jeri. In response to the Thompson letters, the Romney campaign has also attempted to portray it's candidate as a victim of circumstance. As a result, pictures of a young Romney being forced to wear silly Mormon underwear as a child were leaked to www.SexyMormonsWhoLoveAbortionUntilRunningForPresident.net.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

The most hilarious part of the Hippocratic Oath is the section that declares: To avoid attempting to do things that other specialists can do better. I don't know much about Hippocrates because I didn't specialize in Classics, but I bet this guy wrote some great comedies back in his day.

This is a ridiculous statement that denies my talent and education. Do you think I go to the veterinarian when my dog is sick or the pediatrician when that midget with my face is sneezing? If I can save a human life, I can save the life of a dog or even the life of a midget.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.