John Edwards' Wife Disappointed He Is Not a Black Woman

CHAPEL HILL, NC (AP) - Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, revealed her disappointment in her husband during a recent interview. Noting that Edwards currently trails both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Democratic fundraising totals, Elizabeth stated that despite a sincere effort, she has failed at her attempts to make John a black woman.

"I have tried extremely hard, but I just can't make John a black woman," said an exhausted Elizabeth Edwards. "Sure, John has overtly feminine features and in our state of North Carolina we have black people, but that still won't make John a black woman. If we have learned anything during this campaign, it is the fact that the country might not be ready for a white, Christian man to lead the United States."

Elizabeth listed a variety of techniques she has employed in the hopes of turning John Edwards into a black woman. Elizabeth is confident that if John can successfully become a black woman, he will surge ahead in the fundraising race. A list of tactics used by Elizabeth Edwards include: forcing him to sit in the back of the campaign bus, spending quality time with Oprah's friend Gayle King, letting him know nothing could be finer than the taste of syrup on his pancakes in the morning, and referring to him as Venus in his weekly tennis game with hair stylist Vidal Sassoon. Regardless of her attempts to help him gain ground in the polls, John Edwards is still not a black woman.

An exasperated Elizabeth exclaimed, "Things have changed so much in our country since 2004. It is almost like there are two Americas. In one America, the son of a mill worker can really inspire people to believe in the American dream. In the other America, a black guy and a woman come along and all of a sudden being the son of a mill worker is about as inspiring as being Carlos Mencia's fluffer."