Supreme Court: Jesus Would Not Hit a Bong

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court has concluded in a 6-3 vote that Jesus would not have hit a bong. Citing the teachings of Jesus, Justice Antonin Scalia wrote, "It is unreasonable to even consider that Jesus would hit a bong. He had love in his heart and did not act in violence. I had a tough time staying awake through Constitutional Law, but I can't condone violent messianic behavior. Without a doubt, I cannot allow some pothead kid from Alaska to use public property to suggest that Jesus might have acted belligerently and hit a bong. In fact, if I were face-to-face with that stoner, I'd say, 'Fuck You' in Italian."

In dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated, "This was a nonsensical case that the Supreme Court did not need to hear. Let's get real, instead of smoking from a bong, Jesus would have probably ate pot matzot during Passover. " Outside of the court, Justice Ginsburg was seen giggling excessively and munching down potato chips with Justice Souter.

Off the record, Scalia said that Justice Clarence Thomas was a swing vote until the final deliberations. Scalia revealed, "There were heated arguments inside our chambers. A few of us thought that John Edwards and Chief Justice Roberts definitely went to the same salon, but Justice Breyer, who doesn't even have any hair, kept insisting it was impossible that they went to the same salon. Once we let Justice Thomas stroke Chief Justice Roberts' coif, we were able to quickly reach a decision." After being informed the case in deliberation was not about hair, but free speech, Scalia responded, "Oh...You were talking about that case. We said fuck you to free speech quickly, but c'mon those two haircuts look pretty similar, don't they?"