Intervention Held for Erratic Dow Jones

NEW YORK (AP) - After a particularly reckless week, the closest friends and family of Dow Jones staged an intervention in an attempt to stabilize her erratic swings. Jones, largely known for her promiscuity, is famous for being filled by thirty large organizations at the same time. The scrutiny of being a public figure with a promiscuous reputation has led Jones to struggles with severe highs and lows and stints in rehab. Following her largest surge in nearly five years, Jones was confronted about her lack of stability.

The intervention included many famous friends of Dow Jones. Attendants included: Bill Gates of Microsoft, Michael Eisner of Disney, and David Spade. Reportedly, Carlos Mencia attempted to be included, but was banned from participating in the intervention due to fears that his 'comedy' routine might make Jones more upset.

According to David Spade, "It's time for Dow Jones to say buh-bye to her recent behavior. A lot of people are invested in her, which means she has to recognize some level of responsibility as a public figure. Unfortunately, she thinks being filled with thirty large organizations on a daily basis entitles her to behave in any manner she chooses." A sardonic Spade continued, "After losing Farley, I was like this is Deja Vu, but Dow Jones was like 'Is that a new club in the Meat Packing district?' So, I was like whatever, but then she was like whatever." Without making an obvious point, Spade concluded, "There, I said it."

In related news, McDonald's announced it would be selling its ownership of Boston Market after discovering the restuarant offered vegetables to customers.