F.P. Santangelo Thanks HGH for Press Coverage

SACRAMENTO, CA (NB) - In what has continued to be a bad month for Major League Baseball, former major league outfielder F.P. Santangelo held a press conference to thank performance enhancing drugs for the first press coverage he has had in years.

"Human growth hormone (HGH), I'd like to thank you for making the American public familiar with the name F.P. Santangelo. It feels great to know that I am finally getting some press coverage. It took almost six full years, but that HGH really paid off. Yes, I was upset I couldn't bat over .200 when I was using HGH, but now I feel like my decision to try to get my share of the spotlight was worth it," said Santangelo.

Santangelo attributed the decision to use performance enhancing drugs to a course he took back in 1996. Santangelo explained, "Back in the beginning of my career, I took a seminar in the off-season titled How to Make Friends, Influence People, and Achieve Fame Without Dignity. In retrospect, my class has really achieved their goals. Our instructor Kato Kaelin promised there were avenues to press coverage without hard work. The class of '96 was like The Mouseketeers of the 1950's. Between Kevin Federline, Tila Tequila, and myself, we've really come along way."

Jesus to Mike Huckabee: 'Lose My Number'

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - In what is perhaps the biggest break-up story of the year, Jesus has ended his relationship with Mike Huckabee. Although details of the break-up are largely unknown, both Jesus and a representative for Governor Huckabee confirmed that in the wake of a heated argument, Jesus told Huckabee to lose his phone number.

Huckabee Press Secretary Alice Stewart spoke on the behalf of a catatonic Governor Huckabee, "As you've seen from nearly every public appearance, Mike Huckabee had a very close, personal relationship with Jesus. Understandably, Governor Huckabee is extremely distraught at this moment. Mike Huckabee has such an affinity for Jesus that he speaks about him everywhere we go...I mean Mike Huckabee really, really loves Jesus."

With a significant amount of nonchalance, Jesus addressed the details of his relationship with Mike Huckabee. "First of all, I've got to say that Mike Huckabee is significantly dramatizing the events of our correspondence. Look, I really only spoke to the guy once. He had called me and asked about losing some weight, so I told him about Subway sandwiches. Our relationship was pretty casual, it's not like I helped him win an Oscar, a Grammy, or the Super Bowl. Anyway, Huckabee just would not stop calling me, so when I ran into him recently, I told him that I can't really endorse every Presidential candidate from both parties. He didn't seem to take the hint, so yeah, I suggested he lose my number," said Jesus.

While Jesus would not comment as to whether or not another relationship served as the catalyst for his break-up with Huckabee, he did note that he has a lot of options. Said Jesus, "Dude, are you kidding? I'm so hot right now. I just had a huge birthday party this week and everyone was celebrating. Well not everyone, Adam Sandler didn't respond to the evite, but everyone else was there. "

Jesus seemed confident he would not be losing sleep over Huckabee. Without mentioning specifics, Jesus claimed his social calendar was booked with requests for appearances at social events throughout the United States until November 4, 2008.

Pop Culture Jesus

And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives, but did you really think that I would want to receive a towel warmer as a birthday present this week? Seriously dude, I kept asking for an iPhone. Do you have the receipt for that towel warmer?

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Chosen People Left With Few Choices This Christmas

LOS ANGELES (NB) - With most of the country's retailers and restaurants closed today for Christmas, the Chosen People, also identified as members of the Jewish faith, have been left with ironically little choice on how to allocate their time.

Despite a limited selection of entertainment-related facilities, one Jewish man still found himself overwhelmed by choice. "Jesus Christ it is hard to decide what to do today. On one hand, the Empress Pavilion has the best Peking duck around, but you cannot deny the excellence of the Kung Pao chicken at Yang Chow. With that said, the Kung Pao is so spicy and everyone knows that spicy doesn't sit so well with my stomach. Jesus...I just can't decide," said Abe Glickstein.

Other Jews spent the day attempting to relieve their ennui through entertainment on the internet. Said Richard Silver, "I figured there might be some gorgeous girls with nothing to do on Jdate today, so I've been online all day. Sure, I'm still alone, but it's not like I could really take a girl anywhere fun tonight anyway."

While some members of the Jewish community have referred to Christmas as the only day worse than Yom Kippur, many Jewish people have been relieved that a Jewish movie is available for their entertainment this holiday season.

An elated Rachel Weinberg elaborated, "It is about time a movie came out with a Jewish theme during this time of year. I was ecstatic to know that Jewish values are being celebrated in the film Atonement. Seriously, nothing is more Jewish than atonement."

Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Actual Interviews is a new feature where I interview a celebrity who has already given a real interview to a journalist. Now, I ask the questions, but use their actual answers in a way that is completely out of context and most likely libel.

Actual Interviews: Kanye West

Noah: Sorry, I was late, but I had to sit through the movie From Justin to Kelly with the little girl that I mentor.

Kanye West: Oh, man, I love that movie so much.

NB: Hmm...I wouldn't have guessed that would be your style. Can you tell me what's on your Christmas wish list this year?

KW: Where's my 'Beam me up, Scotty' machine?

NB: I don't think those are real Kanye, I believe that was a gimmick used in the television show Stark Trek.

KW: I don't know what's going on.

NB: I'm beginning to sense that. I know 2007 has been a difficult year for Kanye West, but outside of your personal loss, which is understandably tough, is there anything you wish had happened in 2007 that did not happen?

KW: I wanted flying cars. I wanted hover boards. I wanted Nikes with a bunch of air bubbles on them, but I never wanted to dress like Tupac.

NB: Do you have a favorite candidate in the upcoming election?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wouldn't expect a politician to be able to recite the third verse on my album.

NB: That seems pretty reasonable to me. If you don't follow politics closely, what do you take an avid interest in?

KW: Right now that news on Yahoo! is about an underwater pumpkin-carving contest.

NB: Honestly, I am not even sure if I have a response to that statement.

KW: I go anywhere from optimistic to borderline delusional.

NB: I think we seem to be close to borderline delusional right now.

KW: Will cars be solar-powered?

NB: Yeah, definitely borderline delusional. As we conclude, any thoughts about 2008?

KW: I don't know what's going on. I wanted to be a designer before I wanted to a be a rapper.

NB: Interesting, but it still doesn't explain your fascination with underwater pumpkin-carving contests.

KW: There will be so few, if any.

NB: Very true. Thanks for your time Kanye.

*** - Actual interview conducted by Austin Scaggs for Rolling Stone, Issue 1039.

Citing Extreme Hatred of Cute, Bush Vetoes Child Health Care Bill Again

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Citing an extreme hatred of all things adorable, President Bush vetoed a bill that would provide children with health care. In addition to the veto, Bush vowed to veto proposals enabling puppies to be cuddled, grandmas to talk about their grandchildren, and Ryan Seacrest to get his hair frosted.

The bill would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) by $35 billion over five years.

In a prepared statement, Bush explained his veto, "First, let me say that this CHIP program does not sit well with me. I hate chips and I've hated them since my Dad choked on a pretzel. That chip tried to kill my Daddy, which is a justifiable reason to go to war against chips, pretzels, and Iraq. "

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had the difficult job of defending the President's veto. According to Perino, "President Bush has been unfairly portrayed by the media as not having a heart, but hopes that America recognizes the President does not hate white children."