F.P. Santangelo Thanks HGH for Press Coverage

SACRAMENTO, CA (NB) - In what has continued to be a bad month for Major League Baseball, former major league outfielder F.P. Santangelo held a press conference to thank performance enhancing drugs for the first press coverage he has had in years.

"Human growth hormone (HGH), I'd like to thank you for making the American public familiar with the name F.P. Santangelo. It feels great to know that I am finally getting some press coverage. It took almost six full years, but that HGH really paid off. Yes, I was upset I couldn't bat over .200 when I was using HGH, but now I feel like my decision to try to get my share of the spotlight was worth it," said Santangelo.

Santangelo attributed the decision to use performance enhancing drugs to a course he took back in 1996. Santangelo explained, "Back in the beginning of my career, I took a seminar in the off-season titled How to Make Friends, Influence People, and Achieve Fame Without Dignity. In retrospect, my class has really achieved their goals. Our instructor Kato Kaelin promised there were avenues to press coverage without hard work. The class of '96 was like The Mouseketeers of the 1950's. Between Kevin Federline, Tila Tequila, and myself, we've really come along way."

Bonds' Attorney: SF Giants' World Series Trophy Will Testify for Bonds

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - Following last week's indictment of Barry Bonds, Michael Rains, Bonds' defense attorney has revealed part of his strategy to see that his client is not found guilty. According to Rains, the defense is relying heavily upon the testimony of the San Francisco Giants' World Series Trophy.

Rains discussed his strategy with skeptical members of the press who pointed out that the San Francisco Giants have never won the World Series. "You get it? That's the whole point! Don't you think if my client had been using performance enhancing drugs the team would have won the World Series? I mean...come on! I know that other members of Giants' teams like Matt Williams and Benito Santiago have been accused of using performance enhancing drugs, but it is common knowledge that any decent team with multiple cheaters would have been able to win the World Series just once," stated Rains.

Besides the testimony of the fictional trophy, the Hulk and He-Man are expected to testify on behalf of Bonds noting the use of similar work out programs.

Bonds, who was not available for comment, released a statement that he would spend this week being thankful for form-fitting stretch fabrics.

Mets Choke, Fantasy Baseball Manager Inconsolable

SAN FRANCISCO (NB) - Following the collapse of the New York Mets, who failed to make the playoffs with a seven game lead in the final weeks of the baseball season, fantasy baseball manager Noah Roth has not left his house in 61 hours.

Through a conversation on Google Talk, Roth addressed his diminishing mental health. "I have devoted all of my free time to fantasy baseball since I started participating in ESPN mock drafts back in March. I had first place throughout the entire season, but the fucking Mets fucked me on the last fucking day of the season. How could I have guessed that future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine would get pulled in the first inning of a crucial game?" typed Roth.

Noah Roth continued, "Am I supposed to drop Jose Reyes just because he is batting under .200 in September? It's not like the waiver wire had any other all-star shortshops available in my league. I used to stay up late at night to make the first acquisitions, but I never could have foreseen players that I have no personal relationship with could let me down like this. Do you know how many online dates I could have been getting if I had known I wasn't going to take first place?" The conversation took a turn for the worst when Roth, unable to express his displeasure in words, typed in a string of endless frowny faced emoticons.

According to Roth's spokeswoman, his mother, Roth swears to get even next year by not allowing Tom Glavine to play for his fantasy team.