Rage Against the Machine To Hold Peace Talks with the Machine

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In an effort to adhere to a positive message for the new year, the members of Rage Against the Machine have agreed upon preliminary peace talks with the Machine. The talks will mark the first time that members of both parties will sit down in a face-to-face effort to reconcile their differences.

Members of Rage Against the Machine identified a course in anger management as the catalyst to their new perspective on the Machine. "Our work with an experienced counselor has helped us understand that all the killing in the name of the Machine was just an attempt for the Machine to get air time on Guerrilla Radio. Although we cannot endorse this pathetic and inappropriate ploy for attention, we believe this is the best opportunity to discuss peace since the Machine has promised it will no longer be rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun," said guitarist Tom Morello.

While the source of the initial conflict is unclear, it is believed that people have been raging against the machine since 1991 when the Machine spent six days playing Mariah Carey on radio stations throughout the United States. Known as The Battle of Los Angeles to some and the Six-Day War to many, the Machine capitulated after members of Rage Against the Machine barraged the Machine with a flood of bombtracks.

The Machine admitted some hesitancy about meeting with the members of Rage Against the Machine. "Mariah Carey was huge in 1991 and everyone knows it. I could have played something else, but I was taunted by members of Rage Against the Machine who went around defying me by consistently saying, 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!' I think most people would hold their ground in the face of such hostility," stated the Machine.

The United States is playing an active role in pursuing peace between Rage Against the Machine and the Machine. Perhaps in an effort to define his legacy, President Bush is pushing peace between both parties and has agreed to personally act as a conduit of change. While it is unknown whether or not Bush will succeed, many point out President Clinton also attempted to broker a peace deal between the Machine and members of Rage Against the Machine late in his second term as President. In retrospect, it appears Clinton did not give himself enough time to achieve peace between the long-time enemies. Only time will tell whether or not Bush's determination for war will place him in a position to achieve peace between contentious parties.

Lead singer Zach de la Rocha would not guarantee any long-term peace deals with the Machine, but announced that following anger management counseling, the band has made a proactive step towards peace by changing their name to Slightly Irked at the Machine.

Citing Extreme Hatred of Cute, Bush Vetoes Child Health Care Bill Again

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Citing an extreme hatred of all things adorable, President Bush vetoed a bill that would provide children with health care. In addition to the veto, Bush vowed to veto proposals enabling puppies to be cuddled, grandmas to talk about their grandchildren, and Ryan Seacrest to get his hair frosted.

The bill would have expanded the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) by $35 billion over five years.

In a prepared statement, Bush explained his veto, "First, let me say that this CHIP program does not sit well with me. I hate chips and I've hated them since my Dad choked on a pretzel. That chip tried to kill my Daddy, which is a justifiable reason to go to war against chips, pretzels, and Iraq. "

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino had the difficult job of defending the President's veto. According to Perino, "President Bush has been unfairly portrayed by the media as not having a heart, but hopes that America recognizes the President does not hate white children."

Bush Adds Subprime Mortgages to Axis of Evil

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - Following a turbulent week in regards to foreign policy, President Bush has temporarily removed Iran from the Axis of Evil. For the time being, Bush announced subprime mortgages would be joining the Axis of Evil on a trial basis.

Based on documentation detailing Iran's decision to halt production of nuclear weapons in 2003, President Bush reluctantly moved his Iranian flag computer icon next to his computer's recycling bin icon.

Standing next to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Bush said, "Although Iran is definitely still dangerous, it has come to my attention that subprime mortgages have been with us, but against us, but not with us in a good way. As the world knows, either you are with us or against us, but you can't be with us in a bad way, which means that if you are with us, but not in a good way, you can't fool us. So you see, fool me once, but if you fool me, you can't get fooled again." As Bush completed his sentence, Secretary Paulson drank a large glass of water to wash down the tylenol he took during Bush's speech.

Bush noted subprime mortgages have earned a place in the Axis of Evil because they have made the bold decision to fight Americans on our own soil. In an attempt to fight subprime mortgages, Bush alluded to his plan to freeze interest rates for a five-year period. Despite the assessment that the freeze will only help 240,000 of the two million people hurt by subprime mortgages, the Bush Administration is confident their plan will be a success. As Press Secretary Dana Perino noted, "Hey, you can't strike out all the time, right? Eventually, one has to get through for a hit."

In response to the new face of the Axis of Evil, Republican presidential candidates reacted quickly to the news. While Tom Tancredo pointed out that subprime mortgages are Mexican as evidenced by the prefix 'sub' meaning below or beneath something great like the United States, Mitt Romney regrettably confirmed that his uncle is married to three subprime mortgages, but insisted his Mormon faith would not influence his policy if elected President of the United States.

Kanye West: George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Friday

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In a shocking statement entertainer Kanye West firmly declared, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday." West's statement came in reaction to a statement made by President Bush regarding his plans to shop for the holidays on the day after Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.

Bush, in response to a question posed by the press, detailed his wishes from Santa this holiday season. "I really wanna get me one of those Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock games. I loved The Rock in that movie The Game Plan. In fact, I devised America's latest exit strategy from studying The Game Plan," said Bush.

West explained his outrage in regards to Bush's Christmas list in a public announcement while standing next to an extremely uncomfortable Mike Myers. On live television, West announced, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday. We need a President that supports all aspects of the economy, not just video games. For example, George Bush should buy my new album Graduation to make sure that 50 Cent knows that he got spanked by a preppy black guy. Also, George Bush knows that a black kid hasn't been interested in learning guitar since Prince. Therefore, his decision to play this game specifically geared towards white kids proves my previous statement that George Bush doesn't care about black people."



West concluded his television appearance by demanding that he be given the award for Best Portrayal of Shrek by an actor named Mike Myers.

Turkey to Withdraw From Thanksgiving

ISTANBUL (NB) - In a week marking turbulent relations between the United States and Turkey, a Turkish official declared that if Congress passes a resolution declaring the killings of Armenians as genocide, Turkey will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving.

Turkish ministry spokesman Levent Bilman addressed Turkey's position. "There will be serious ramifications if the United States Congress passes this resolution. Besides recalling our ambassador to the U.S. and cutting our ties to the U.S. military, we will no longer be a part of Thanksgiving. We recognize the importance of Thanksgiving to Americans and we hope they remember you can't spell Thanksgiving without Turkey...Well, at least you can't spell Thanksgiving without the letters 't' and 'k', which are definitely found in the word Turkey," said Bilman.

The congressional resolution focuses on the killings of up to 1.5 million Armenians by Ottoman Turks. While many scholars label the event as genocide, Turkey asserts that the deaths were not systematic, which is a crucial element to the definition of genocide. Since Turkey offers the United States logistical support in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, American politicians have had a particularly partisan reaction to the resolution.

Despite threats from Turkey, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has vowed to push ahead with the resolution. According to Pelosi, "It saddens me that Turkey has threatened to pull out of Thanksgiving, but truthfully, my constituents in San Francisco don't even eat turkey anymore. As a constituency group with a significant amount of vegetarians, we prefer Tofurkey."

President Bush has continued to speak out against the resolution. After publicly denouncing the resolution last week, Bush plans to address the nation regarding the recent developments between the United States and Turkey this week. According to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush will hold a press conference regarding the resolution as soon as he can master the word tryptophan.

Rove To Leave White House, Will Join Ozzfest

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Karl Rove, President Bush's senior political adviser, has announced he will be leaving his current White House position on August 31. Attempting to start a new chapter in his life, Rove plans to use his political expertise to revamp musician Ozzy Osbourne's annual Ozzfest tour.

"Let's face it, Ozzy just isn't scary anymore. He is trying so hard, but I am not sure that anyone truly believes he is still worthy of his 'Prince of Darkness' nickname. It's a little bit sad. The guy used to be covered in blood on stage, but now he just moons people," said Rove. A wistful Rove added, "Dude, I used to worship Black Sabbath."

Rove, plans on joining Ozzfest on August 24 in Pittsburgh, one week before he leaves his current White House position. According to Rove, the idea to join Ozzfest came during a recent dove hunting trip.

Rove explained, "I love hunting doves. While they are an international symbol of peace, their symbolism also makes them an obvious tool for al Qaeda. What is more terrorizing than using birds of peace to attack our freedom? Anyone not actively hunting doves should really think about their commitment to America. I am starting to digress, but while I was hunting doves, I was listenting to Sabbath. At that moment, I remembered that Ozzy is infamous for biting the heads off of doves. With our shared hatred of doves, I knew I had to leave the White House to transform the now comical Ozzfest into something truly terrifying."

Ozzfest is currently on tour featuring bands with mildly frightening names like Lamb of God, 3 Inches of Blood, Devil Driver, and Hatebreed.

Bush to Award Medal of Contempt

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – As the House Judiciary Committee voted to cite two members of the Bush administration for contempt of Congress, the White House announced President Bush would officially present the Presidential Medal of Contempt next week.

Current White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers, both cited in contempt of Congress for their failure to comply with subpoenas issued in the investigation of the firings of eight U.S. attorneys, will be named recipients of the Presidential Medal of Contempt.

Bush, who will award the Medal of Contempt during a Congressional recess, is said to have scheduled the ceremony during recess in the hopes of joining the recipients for a game of kickball following the ceremony.

The ceremony will mark the inaugral Presidential Medal of Contempt event. Bush declared his passionate enthusiasm for the award. “I am honored to award these deserving Americans with the Presidential Medal of Contempt. Throughout my life, The Contempest has always been my favorite Shakespearian story. Bolten and Miers are like a couple of Montagues and Catapults. I love the way those fellas just tame the stew,” exclaimed a boisterous Bush.

The Democratic Congress reported a sense of outrage after being informed of Bush’s decision to recognize Miers and Bolton with an award.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated the Democrats would respond swiftly to Bush’s continual practice of presenting awards to members of the administration with questionable records of service.

With Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid by her side, Pelosi said, “This nation has had enough of President Bush ceremoniously handing out medals to undeserving Americans like George Tenet, Harriet Miers, and Josh Bolten. To show that we will not stand for this abuse, the Democratic Congress will be presenting legislation to retroactively instate Opposite Day.”

Senator Reid added, “I look forward to attending the Presidential Medal of Contempt ceremony…Oops, looks like Opposite Day just started bitches!”

Bush Commutes The Hamburglar's Prison Sentence

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - Shortly after commuting the prison sentence of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, President Bush announced he would be commuting the Hamburglar's jail term. As a result, the Hamburglar's criminal record will not be cleared, but he will not serve time in prison.

The Hamburglar, charged with revealing the identity of the Fry Guy to the American public, will still be required to pay a $250,000 fine. According to the Hamburglar, "Robble, robble, robble. I thank President Bush for commuting my sentence. As I've mentioned previously, I am simply being used as a scapegoat by Grimace. Although I truly love hamburgers and Happy Meal toys, I gave up my association with everything McDonald's when it was revealed the McDonald's Monopoly game was awash in fraud. The identity of the Fry Guy has changed since I left McDonald's, which proves I would not have had access to this information. Robble, robble, robble."

Addressing what is only his fifth commutation during his Presidency, Bush declared the Hamburglar's sentence "harsh, excessive, shocking, and awe-inspiring." The White House cited executive privilege to administer the commutation. Although the White House could have had the case reviewed by the Justice Department, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales could not recall ever eating at McDonald's. As a result, the Department of Justice did not involve itself in the case.

The Bush Administration has been under immense pressure to discuss the internal link between the White House and the source of the top secret leak. In June 2003, reporter Robert Novak revealed the true identity of the Fry Guy in his column, Douchebag of Liberty.

Bush Refuses to Cut and Run from Tony Blair

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) - In a recent press conference, President George W. Bush announced that he will not acknowledge Gordon Brown as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Instead, Bush has vowed to stay the course and will continue to recognize Tony Blair as the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

According to the White House, President Bush's decision to stay the course on Tony Blair is due, in part, to the President's inability to create a good nickname for Gordon Brown. "As the decider, the President has not been able to select an extremely obvious nickname to assign Mr. Brown. While several options were presented, President Bush has yet to hear anything that speaks to his gut," said Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino. The official position of the White House is that without a nickname, President Bush will not negotiate with members of the Axis of People.

"Truth is, I am just stumped on this Gordon Brown nickname thing. I call Condi 'Brown Sugar', so that one is taken. I used to call FEMA chief Mike Brown 'Brownie', so I thought about using 'Brownie 2', but 'Library Guy' informed me my choice included a homonym. Obviously, The Bible preaches against homonyms, so in that situation, I had to forfeit my right to choose. Until I decide on a gem, I will not cut and run from Tony Blair," noted President Bush. After making his statement, Bush swiftly stepped onto Air Force 1 with the intent of holding a nickname retreat in Crawford, Texas.

When probed by reporters, the White House has vehemently denied that politics have influenced Bush's decision to ignore Brown. It is rumored that Vice-President Dick Cheney has access to secret documents which contradict apolitical statements previously made by the White House. As indicated by an unnamed source, the Office of the Vice President had detailed plans to generate a nickname for Gordon Brown that would drive a wedge between the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and an unnamed advocacy group that refers to African Americans with politically correct terminology.