Jesus to Mike Huckabee: 'Lose My Number'

DES MOINES, IOWA (NB) - In what is perhaps the biggest break-up story of the year, Jesus has ended his relationship with Mike Huckabee. Although details of the break-up are largely unknown, both Jesus and a representative for Governor Huckabee confirmed that in the wake of a heated argument, Jesus told Huckabee to lose his phone number.

Huckabee Press Secretary Alice Stewart spoke on the behalf of a catatonic Governor Huckabee, "As you've seen from nearly every public appearance, Mike Huckabee had a very close, personal relationship with Jesus. Understandably, Governor Huckabee is extremely distraught at this moment. Mike Huckabee has such an affinity for Jesus that he speaks about him everywhere we go...I mean Mike Huckabee really, really loves Jesus."

With a significant amount of nonchalance, Jesus addressed the details of his relationship with Mike Huckabee. "First of all, I've got to say that Mike Huckabee is significantly dramatizing the events of our correspondence. Look, I really only spoke to the guy once. He had called me and asked about losing some weight, so I told him about Subway sandwiches. Our relationship was pretty casual, it's not like I helped him win an Oscar, a Grammy, or the Super Bowl. Anyway, Huckabee just would not stop calling me, so when I ran into him recently, I told him that I can't really endorse every Presidential candidate from both parties. He didn't seem to take the hint, so yeah, I suggested he lose my number," said Jesus.

While Jesus would not comment as to whether or not another relationship served as the catalyst for his break-up with Huckabee, he did note that he has a lot of options. Said Jesus, "Dude, are you kidding? I'm so hot right now. I just had a huge birthday party this week and everyone was celebrating. Well not everyone, Adam Sandler didn't respond to the evite, but everyone else was there. "

Jesus seemed confident he would not be losing sleep over Huckabee. Without mentioning specifics, Jesus claimed his social calendar was booked with requests for appearances at social events throughout the United States until November 4, 2008.

Tancredo Abandons White House Bid, Jesus Returns to U.S.

LITTLETON, CO (NB) - Citing Mitt Romney's surge in racism, Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo has abandoned his bid to be President of the United States. In related news, Jesus Christ announced his plans to return to the United States this week now that Tancredo is no longer running for President.

Jesus, who had been deported earlier this year by Tancredo, is excited about the possibility of spending this Christmas in the United States. "Although Tom Tancredo did deport me from the U.S. earlier this year after mistaking me for a Mexican named Jesus, I am looking forward to my return to the United States. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. Brazil has an awesome statue of me and some amazingly hot bitches, but Americans hold me accountable for every event that happens in their lives," said Jesus.

Scott Boras, Jesus' agent, confirmed that Jesus' scheduled return was directly related to Tancredo dropping his White House bid. According to Boras, "We certainly considered the possibility of Jesus demanding a trade to another non-denominational religious country, but with Tancredo's departure, my client feels much safer in the United States. Additionally, there are great opportunities for Jesus to share his tragic story of martyrdom as the first deity deported with the American media." Boras alluded to reported interest from Rupert Murdoch regarding the desire to buy the rights to Jesus' story. In addition to Murdoch, it is believed that Mel Gibson and the New York Yankees are interested in the rights to Jesus' story.

As he concludes his White House run, Tancredo declared his support for Mitt Romney's candidacy. "Sure, I deported Jesus and threatened to bomb Mecca and Medina, but I respect Mitt Romney's racist surge. Not only has he discussed his desire to double Guantanamo, but he recently fired the landscapers that allowed Hispanics to work on his lawn and vowed that a Muslim has no place in his cabinet," said Tancredo.

While Tancredo does not blame his inability to raise funds on his previous decision to deport Jesus, he admits that Mike Huckabee's strategy of publicly embracing Jesus at every opportunity appears to be a successful method of attracting the interest of Americans.

Pop Culture Jesus

For we walk with faith, not by sight. And by faith, I mean Oprah. For if you wish to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you will not give Mike Huckabee my new number.

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Chuck Norris Still Endorsing Things

DALLAS (NB) - After receiving significant media attention for his endorsement of Republican candidate Mike Huckabee for President of the United States, Chuck Norris has attempted to stage a comeback by releasing a flurry of endorsements.

Norris, a martial arts expert who had starred in the television show Walker, Texas Ranger, proudly discussed his strategy for enhancing his profile.

"Endorsing Mike Huckabee for President has really motivated people to talk about Chuck Norris again and not in a Walker, Texas Ranger embarrassing kind of way. It's led me to an epiphany about the power of endorsements. Before, I would just recommend Chili's Awesome Blossom to my friends, but now I let everyone know that Chuck Norris officially endorses the Awesome Blossom found at Chili's restaurants. It's really terrific...I mean awesome," stated an excited Norris.

Norris also noted that he endorses The Rock to stop beating him out for movies he should certainly be cast in, Mountain Dew, and his wife to use a little less salt in her cooking.

While the Huckabee for President campaign did not respond to the Norris endorsement, Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo was disappointed he did not win the coveted Norris endorsement.

Congressman Tancredo said, "I am disappointed that I did not receive the Chuck Norris endorsement. Obviously, as someone who hates Mexicans, I am a huge proponent of Walker, Texas Ranger patrolling our Southern borders. With that said, I still believe we will win the endorsement of Dog the Bounty Hunter."

In response to all of the media attention focused on the Chuck Norris endorsement, Mr. T announced he would endorse anyone who would give him a job.

Ron Paul Event Leaves Thousands of College Students Confused

By Bryan Bissell & Noah Berkowitz

BERKELEY, CA (NB) - This week, thousands of college students from the University of California at Berkeley left a Ron Paul for President event in complete dismay. Expecting to attend a concert by reggae artist Sean Paul, many UC Berkeley students did not realize their error until the Ron Paul field staff disassembled the Republican presidential candidate's speaking platform.

Apparently, students at Berkeley were unable to recognize Ron Paul for various reasons. Scott Weisberg, a sixth-year student, discussed his confusion. "First, that old guy who spoke looks a whole lot like Chancellor Birgeneau. I just assumed the Chancellor was Sean Paul's opening act. Also, I was really high," said Weisberg. Weisberg nonchalantly scratched his head as he walked away from the crowd barefoot.

Other students caught on to their folly quickly. "Man, I really wanted to hear the song Gimme the Light, but the old guy kept talking about the gold standard. Sure, I see a loose connection about how gold, if held at the right angle, might shine in a way where you can give someone the light, but once the country music started, I knew we were being punk'd," said sophomore Gina Lee.

While Lee had hoped to see a concert by Sean Paul, she said the afternoon was not a total loss. Lee stated, "If you follow my drift, the whole crowd was more than prepared for the song We Be Burnin. Yeah, I had to listen to the old guy explain why the United States should withdraw from NAFTA, but whatever, I still got really high."

As word spread about the thousands of students who mistakenly gathered to hear Ron Paul speak, other candidates met with their campaigns to develop a plan on how to mislead thousands of people into attending their events. While the Giuliani campaign is rumored to be discussing a numerical scheme to mislead potential voters, only the Mike Huckabee campaign released an official plan to misinform registered voters. According to the Huckabee for President campaign, Huckabee has cut and paste his face onto the cover of every DVD copy of the movie I Heart Huckabees.

Bryan Bissell is the author of Three Q Blog, a site detailing great tales of excitement and woe from the front yards, cobbled streets, and smoky VFW halls of the 2008 New Hampshire Primary. To get the inside scoop on the 2008 Presidential Election, go to www.threeqblog.com