New Clinton Slogan: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty

NEW YORK (NB) - As Hillary Clinton's polling numbers continue to slip in both Iowa and New Hampshire, the Clinton campaign has launched an aggressive blitz in an attempt to push momentum forward. In addition to taking laughing lessons from James Lipton, Clinton unveiled a new campaign slogan this week. The new slogan, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty, is a bid to portray Clinton as the candidate with the biggest balls.

Wearing an asbestos-colored pant suit, Clinton unveiled her new slogan in the company of Janet Reno and Rosie O'Donnell. "As the candidate toughest on important American issues such as defense, I believe my femininity must no longer be a focus of this campaign. Naturally, the media wants to address my gender the same way they point out that Senator Obama is too black, but somehow not black enough. Therefore, in an effort to minimize my femininity, I'd like to use my new slogan to draw attention to John Edwards' femininity. From this day forward, my new slogan is officially, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty," said Clinton.

Clinton proceeded to discuss her attributes as a candidate by stating she would be tough on Iran, could beat you in an eating contest, and, if necessary, could pee standing up.

In response to Clinton's new strategy, her rivals, Barack Obama and John Edwards, both declined to offer a response through their campaign spokespeople. The Obama campaign reiterated that Senator Obama would only attack Senator Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Meanwhile, the Edwards campaign noted Senator Edwards could not issue a comment because he was on vacation in the other America that he so frequently discusses in his stump speech.

Pop Culture Jesus

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world, but loses on Dancing with the Stars?

Despite his messianic status, Jesus is extremely frustrated that he has yet to be cast in MTV's The Real World. Consistently rejected by MTV for not being hip enough, Jesus has reinvented himself as Pop Culture Jesus in one final attempt to be a Real World cast member.

* Photograph taken by Lindsey Caplan

Trent Lott Retires After Running Out of Black Jokes

WASHINGTON D.C. (NB) - After thirty-five years in Congress, Mississippi Senator Trent Lott has announced he would be resigning at the end of this year. Citing his reason for retirement, Senator Lott claimed to have run out of jokes about African-Americans.

"Sometimes the well just runs dry. I've really made huge steps in the way American policy addresses defense and fiscal responsibility, but I haven't come up with an original joke about black people in three years. Sure, I've got some new ones about gays and Jews, but that's not my shtick. Therefore, I think I should end on a racism high note. It's kind of like how you wouldn't want to see Jon Stewart do physical comedy," said Lott.

In related news, Congressman Tom Tancredo will continue his run for President because he just heard this great one about why Mexicans can't be firemen.

Kanye West: George Bush Doesn't Care About Black Friday

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In a shocking statement entertainer Kanye West firmly declared, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday." West's statement came in reaction to a statement made by President Bush regarding his plans to shop for the holidays on the day after Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.

Bush, in response to a question posed by the press, detailed his wishes from Santa this holiday season. "I really wanna get me one of those Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock games. I loved The Rock in that movie The Game Plan. In fact, I devised America's latest exit strategy from studying The Game Plan," said Bush.

West explained his outrage in regards to Bush's Christmas list in a public announcement while standing next to an extremely uncomfortable Mike Myers. On live television, West announced, "George Bush doesn't care about Black Friday. We need a President that supports all aspects of the economy, not just video games. For example, George Bush should buy my new album Graduation to make sure that 50 Cent knows that he got spanked by a preppy black guy. Also, George Bush knows that a black kid hasn't been interested in learning guitar since Prince. Therefore, his decision to play this game specifically geared towards white kids proves my previous statement that George Bush doesn't care about black people."



West concluded his television appearance by demanding that he be given the award for Best Portrayal of Shrek by an actor named Mike Myers.

What I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving

As many of you spend your Thanksgiving day remembering why you've moved far away from various family members, I've taken the time to reflect on the things that have truly made my life better.

Recently, I've learned, thanks to toys made in China, it is no longer necessary to purchase roofies to enjoy dating. While this revelation has enabled me to stock up on children's toys at discount prices, it doesn't begin to touch upon the elements of life that really impact me on a daily basis. And when I refer to the elements of life that impact me on a daily basis, I am talking about the homeless. As someone who lives in a City, homeless people like to ask me for selfish things like "help" and "change" frequently. In fact, it is a challenge just to leave the house and not feel guilty about having the choice to bathe in public.

Luckily, thanks to Apple, I no longer have to pay attention to the homeless. Therefore, I'm spending my Thanksgiving saluting the new iPod. That's right, the new iPod comes with a much larger video screen to ensure that I never have to feel uncomfortable ignoring the homeless.

Sure, I could ignore the homeless before on my old iPod. It wasn't too hard because I could turn up the music loud enough so I could not hear the homeless, but I could still see them! Believe me, it made for some awkward moments. Fortunately, I am horrible at reading lips, which means that when the homeless asked for food and I responded with a thoughtful, "Yeah, I am sure you want booze," it usually led to an abrupt end to another awkward conversation with the homeless.

Thankfully, Steve Jobs hates the homeless as much as I do, which is why the new iPod features an enhanced video screen. As a result, I no longer have to make eye contact with anyone that I don't find attractive. Call it a coincidence, but I haven't seen a homeless person in San Francisco since the new iPod was released. It's not that they don't exist, it's just that I don't have to acknowledge them anymore because now I can watch Carrie Underwood videos as I walk through this beautiful City.

If, like me, you are uncomfortable by people who don't look like you, I encourage you to spend Thanksgiving being thankful for the new iPod. Go pick one up! You'll never have to talk to that guy on the bus who always says hello, your co-worker with an obvious birth defect, and most definitely the homeless. So until Apple releases an iPod that makes sure we can't smell old people, we should all be thankful for a device that easily allows us to avoid awkward interaction. Just remember to take your eyes off the new iPod when crossing the street.

TV Gets Worse: Larry King Interviews Himself

LOS ANGELES (NB) - In what continues to be an unfortunate month for television, CNN's Larry King was forced to interview himself after his guest walked off his show.

Declining to answer King's questions, Dr. Jan Adams, the physician who operated on Kanye West's mother the day before she passed away, abruptly ended what was sure to be another unbearable interview with Larry King. Dr. Adams stated that he would respect the wishes of the West family and not conduct the interview on national television. As a consequence, Larry King attempted to interview himself for the remainder of the program.

King proceeded to conduct an interview that reminded many of his June interview with the remaining Beatles. King asked, "Barry where were you when your mother died?" King then answered his own questions after taking the time to run over to the other side of his interview table. King responded, "My name is actually Larry." Before having the opportunity to answer his own question, King blurted out, "Are you fearless Harry?"



The interview continued to deteriorate as King seemed unfamiliar with his own resume. Recalling this month's interview with Jerry Seinfeld, King asked himself, "How long have you been embarrassing yourself on MSNBC?" With exasperation King responded, "I am not fearless, but it is tough to make me flustered."



In related news, CNN will spend Thanksgiving being thankful that Anderson Cooper's level of hotness negates Larry King's lack of journalistic integrity.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Why doesn't a version of Thanksgiving exist for doctors? On a daily basis, I make an impact on the lives of regular people, yet I have to share National Doctor's Day with Ph.D.s. It is appalling!

I think medical doctors should get their own Thanksgiving and it should be called either Cinco de Lifeo or Columbus Day. Because when you are a doctor, everyday you discover a new world.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.