Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

The most hilarious part of the Hippocratic Oath is the section that declares: To avoid attempting to do things that other specialists can do better. I don't know much about Hippocrates because I didn't specialize in Classics, but I bet this guy wrote some great comedies back in his day.

This is a ridiculous statement that denies my talent and education. Do you think I go to the veterinarian when my dog is sick or the pediatrician when that midget with my face is sneezing? If I can save a human life, I can save the life of a dog or even the life of a midget.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I save all of my sick days to watch marathon's of the television show House. It's like knowing someone out there was documenting my life and broadcasting it to the world to show people the overwhelming size of my heart.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Why doesn't a version of Thanksgiving exist for doctors? On a daily basis, I make an impact on the lives of regular people, yet I have to share National Doctor's Day with Ph.D.s. It is appalling!

I think medical doctors should get their own Thanksgiving and it should be called either Cinco de Lifeo or Columbus Day. Because when you are a doctor, everyday you discover a new world.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Now and then, I think back to my days in medical school and wonder if I should have picked a different specialty. I considered emergency medicine, but the phrase is too superfluous for my taste. Who has ever heard of a non-medical emergency?

I also considered pediatrics, but I felt like I couldn't make as much of a difference saving mini-lives all day long. Don't get me wrong though, I love babies. In fact, one time I saved a set of twins from being identical.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I never forget a patient. In fact, I use an elaborate numerical system called math to keep track of patients. Honestly, I don't know the names of my patients, but I know every case number because it indicates the number of lives I've saved.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic Oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

After I spent last week lobbying Comedy Central to cancel that awful show Mind of Mencia, I flew home this weekend. On the plane, my flight attendant Lisa informed the passengers that in the event of an emergency, women and children would exit the plane first.

What a bunch of bullshit. I wonder which lawyer came up with that ridiculous policy. What good are women and children without a doctor to save their lives?

In fact, I think the Titanic had so few survivors because women and children were given priority during evacuation. After all, it is common knowledge that children aren't doctors.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Down in the hospital morgue, my nickname is Irv the Perv. Kinky fact #9: Yeah, sometimes I am into that kind of shit.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

I am rarely stumped. At a recent cocktail party, someone asked me, "What is the difference between a doctor and God?" Honestly, for the life of me, I can't figure this one out. I did some research on Wikipedia, but can't find the answer. I can only propose that God didn't spend a decade in school learning how to save lives, which means God is not current on the latest medical research.

If anyone can help solve this perplexity, I will send you a pack of autographed Life Savers candy. Can you help me?

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

In the business of saving lives, some people are surprised that I don't have business cards. In those instances, I simply smile and hand them a pack of Live Savers. Since you were probably wondering, I give exotic looking ladies a pack of Tropical Fruits Life Savers.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Like everyone else, there are days when I am not challenged by my job. On those days, I intentionally prescribe patients the wrong medication. After they get very sick from a faulty diagnosis, I have to figure out how to solve their initial illness and treat the unfortunate side effects. In those times, I can truly take saving lives to the next level. Not only is it more exciting, it is so much more rewarding.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the Hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

After saving three lives today, I called the Department of Motor Vehicles to change my license plate to "LYFESVR". It turns out that some fucking paramedic was already using this vanity plate. I spent a lot more time in school than he did, so I showed up to his office and gave him a beat down.

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.

Confessions of a Doctor

Confessions of a Doctor by Irv Levine, M.D.

Whenever I am at a dinner party with a lawyer, I can't help but think, "I could totally kick this guy's ass at Jeopardy."

Dr. Levine is an egomaniacal radiologist who has as much contempt for the hippocratic oath as he does you. He resides in Scottsdale, Arizona. He is better than you.