What I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving

As many of you spend your Thanksgiving day remembering why you've moved far away from various family members, I've taken the time to reflect on the things that have truly made my life better.

Recently, I've learned, thanks to toys made in China, it is no longer necessary to purchase roofies to enjoy dating. While this revelation has enabled me to stock up on children's toys at discount prices, it doesn't begin to touch upon the elements of life that really impact me on a daily basis. And when I refer to the elements of life that impact me on a daily basis, I am talking about the homeless. As someone who lives in a City, homeless people like to ask me for selfish things like "help" and "change" frequently. In fact, it is a challenge just to leave the house and not feel guilty about having the choice to bathe in public.

Luckily, thanks to Apple, I no longer have to pay attention to the homeless. Therefore, I'm spending my Thanksgiving saluting the new iPod. That's right, the new iPod comes with a much larger video screen to ensure that I never have to feel uncomfortable ignoring the homeless.

Sure, I could ignore the homeless before on my old iPod. It wasn't too hard because I could turn up the music loud enough so I could not hear the homeless, but I could still see them! Believe me, it made for some awkward moments. Fortunately, I am horrible at reading lips, which means that when the homeless asked for food and I responded with a thoughtful, "Yeah, I am sure you want booze," it usually led to an abrupt end to another awkward conversation with the homeless.

Thankfully, Steve Jobs hates the homeless as much as I do, which is why the new iPod features an enhanced video screen. As a result, I no longer have to make eye contact with anyone that I don't find attractive. Call it a coincidence, but I haven't seen a homeless person in San Francisco since the new iPod was released. It's not that they don't exist, it's just that I don't have to acknowledge them anymore because now I can watch Carrie Underwood videos as I walk through this beautiful City.

If, like me, you are uncomfortable by people who don't look like you, I encourage you to spend Thanksgiving being thankful for the new iPod. Go pick one up! You'll never have to talk to that guy on the bus who always says hello, your co-worker with an obvious birth defect, and most definitely the homeless. So until Apple releases an iPod that makes sure we can't smell old people, we should all be thankful for a device that easily allows us to avoid awkward interaction. Just remember to take your eyes off the new iPod when crossing the street.

Man Insists New iPhone Will Bathe Him

PALO ALTO (AP) - On Friday, the longing experienced by thousands of virgins reached climax with the release of Apple's new iPhone. Virgins lined the streets outside of Apple stores across the nation hoping to discover what pornography looks like on a fancy version of the iPod. Unfortunately, cities were unequipped to deal with the consequences of a myriad of virgins adapting to natural sunlight. Due to sunlight exposure, many virgins became delirious about the capabilities of the iPhone. One delirious virgin, Harold Brouwer, proclaimed that his new iPhone would surely bathe him.

Brouwer, 29, became delirious shortly after purchasing an iPhone. Following his purchase, Brouwer realized his iPhone was useless without an exclusive cell phone contract with AT&T. Baffled as to whether or not he would be able to transfer his T-Mobile Favorite 5 to his iPhone, Brouwer explained that the $599 phone would be worth it when it bathes him. "Do you think that I would spend all day in the sun to buy a gadget that allows me to make a phone call while listening to Limp Bizkit? Obviously, you are missing the whole point. This fine piece of technology is the world's most compact shower," said Brouwer. Brouwer proceeded to hold the iPhone over his head while he pretended to scrub his legs with soap ensuring he goes another decade without touching a woman.

Mr. Brouwer's behavior created such commotion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has stated that next month's iPhone 2.0, which will render the current iPhone useless, will most likely bathe virgins.