Where Are They Now? - Joe Biden

Have you ever wondered what happened to someone once featured prominently in the news cycle only to disappear? This week, Noah Lot More profiles Senator Joe Biden to find out what he's been up to.

Profile: The senior Senator from Delaware, Joseph Robinette "Joe" Biden, Jr. was born on November 20, 1942. Elected to the Senate at the age of 29, Biden is the fifth youngest Senator ever elected to office. During his 35 years as a United States Senator, Biden has served as the Chairman of the Senate Committe on Judiciary and currently serves as the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations.

On August 22, 2008, it was announced Joe Biden would be joining Senator Barack Obama as his running mate on the Democractic Presidential Election ticket. Political analysts believed Obama's choice to select Biden as his running mate was a brilliant move to bolster Obama's foreign policy credentials and support among Catholics and blue collar workers.

During the Democratic National Convention, Biden officially accepted the role of the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee on August 27, 2008.

Where Are They Now?: Following Biden's appearance with Barack Obama at the conclusion of the Democratic National Convention on August 28, 2008 Senator Joe Biden has not been seen. Early speculations that a Clinton had "taken care of" Biden in a fit of jealousy over his Vice Presidential nod, have turned out to be false.

On August 29, 2008 Senator John McCain introduced Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. If anyone knows of the whereabouts of Senator Joe Biden since August 29, 2008 please contact Barack Obama's Presidential campaign at 866-675-2008 or at the following website: Obama Campaign Contact Us Web Page.

Terry McAuliffe Praises Hillary's Acceptance Speech

DENVER (NB) - Following Tuesday night's speech by Hillary Clinton at the Democratic National Convention, former Clinton Campaign Chairman Terry McAuliffe praised Clinton's speech as the greatest acceptance speech ever given by a Presidential nominee.

Although Barack Obama is scheduled to accept the nomination as the Democratic Presidential Nominee on Thursday, August 28, McAuliffe did not hesitate to praise Clinton as the party's nominee. "Hillary Clinton tonight showed why she will make the greatest Commander-in-Chief the United States has ever elected. As the candidate with the most votes, most gold medals at this year's Olympics, and the nation's first black candidate, Hillary Clinton showed why she is ready to be the Prime Minister of North America," said an enthusiastic McAuliffe.

As McAuliffe went from news network to news network praising Clinton's speech as the "greatest, most awesomest, totally best-ever speech by a Presidential nominee", CNN's Wolf Blitzer pointed out to McAuliffe that Obama, not Clinton, won the Democratic Presidential nomination. As Blitzer attempted to point out the actual results of the Democratic primary race, a passionate McAuliffe interrupted, "Wolf, neither the American people or I have no idea what you are talking about. I would have expected the team at CNN to make up a more believable name than Barack Obama, but your tactics are nothing compared to the type of hard hitting spin machine the Republicans will throw at Hillary Clinton this November."

After McAuliffe claimed that Clinton was a lock for an Oscar win for her role as The Joker in The Dark Knight, CNN abruptly cut the interview to allow correspondent John King to unveil new technology that enables King to have an interactive touch-map of Anderson Cooper's hair.

John Edwards to Endorse NY Giants in Last Super Bowl

GRAND RAPIDS, MI (NB) – In a bold statement today, John Edwards has declared he will throw his support behind the New York Giants instead of the New England Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Many Americans have been waiting on the former Presidential candidate to make an endorsement of last January’s Super Bowl, but Edwards announced today that he knew in his gut, the timing was right to make a decision.

“For months, I’ve anguished over the difficult dilemma of picking a team to support in the previous Super Bowl. On one hand, the New England Patriots were undefeated going into the Super Bowl, so it’s hard not to back a team with that kind of record. At the same time, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl, so it should seem kind of obvious, but let’s be honest…No one likes Eli Manning,” said an impassioned Edwards. Edwards strongly denied that his endorsement had anything to do with the fact that the New York Giants already won the Super Bowl months ago.

A spokesperson for Edwards noted Edwards’ difficulty in making a decision was directly related to his own campaign theme of two, distinct Americas. Spokeswoman Jennifer Trudeau stated, “Senator Edwards knows the country is deeply divided in their support of opposing campaigns to win the Super Bowl, which means there are definitely two Americas. Therefore, he still matters, right? No that wasn't a rhetorical question...John Edwards still matters, right?”

In related news, Senator Edwards announced a stream of endorsements this week. Included in those endorsements is his support of Kelly Clarkson over Justin Guarini in the 2002 season of American Idol and Senator Barack Obama over Senator Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party’s nominee for President of the United States.

Mr. Pibb Pursues an Advanced Degree, Dr. Pepper Fucked

PLANO, TX (NB) - After floundering in soft drink obscurity for decades, Mr. Pibb has announced he will be going back to school to pursue an advanced degree. The unexpected announcement is expected to help Mr. Pibb compete directly with rival Dr. Pepper. In all likelihood, Dr. Pepper's claim to be the soft drink with an educational advantage is now vulnerable. As a result, many now believe Dr. Pepper is fucked.

An emotional Mr. Pibb spoke on the steps of the Plano Public Library. "For years, I promised my dear mother that I'd pursue a doctorate. She only wanted to see me achieve, but put so much pressure on me to become a doctor. I guess I only need to tell you that when we came over on the boat the family name was Pibbowitz," said Mr. Pibb as a tear rolled down his eye.

Highlighting a message of hope and change, Mr. Pibb addressed the camera. "It's time for Americans to know they can receive cavities from anybody, not just the educational elite that dominate the soft drink industry. In my heart, I know Americans want the choice to become obese in any way they choose. Their choices should no longer be dominated by the incumbent elitism of Dr. Pepper. The Americans I know do not care if their Pepsi is clear like Crystal Pepsi or dark like Diet Pepsi. We are here to prove color no longer matters in America, it's not about fancy degrees, it is simple and clear that you too can suffer from early onset-diabetes without indulging in the elitism of soft drink politics," said a fired up and ready to go Mr. Pibb.

Soft drink analysts believe if Mr. Pibb can increase his educational standing, he will remain a serious threat to long-time favorite Dr. Pepper. Bouncy McSugary, a reputable soft drink analyst, discussed the potential impact of an educated Mr. Pibb. "Mr. Pibb is a sweet guy, I mean really sweet, but you can't deny Dr. Pepper's experience. Prior to today, we knew little about Mr. Pibb. Sure, we knew that when mixed with red vines he was crazy delicious, but did he have a bachelor's degree? Maybe he only had a GED? No one knows. Which is why, despite his sweet flavor, he has been unable to compete with Dr. Pepper. This move effectively evens out the playing field. As a consequence, Dr. Pepper is going to have to run a campaign on something other than experience," said Bouncy McSugary.

Clearly shaken by the news, a despondent Dr. Pepper spoke briefly about the assumption that he was now fucked. "Boy, this kind of sucks. Really, Mr. Pibb and I are pretty much carbon copies of each other. We taste the same, we are both manufactured in red marketing materials, but what I lacked in cavity-inducing sweetness, I made up for in experience and education. I'm not sure what my next step is, but it's just so hard to be out here everyday getting scrutinized by everyone with a camera and a microphone," said Dr. Pepper as he held back tears.

In unrelated news, Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama in the New Hampshire Primary emphasizing her experience as a superior choice to Obama's message of hope. With each candidate achieving a recent victory, it is safe to say that unlike Dr. Pepper, as of today, neither one is fucked.

NHL More Popular Than Gonorrhea, Closing In On Crabs

NEW YORK (NB) - In a new poll, the National Hockey League (NHL) has experienced a surge in popularity, which some experts believe may rejuvenate the public perception of the NHL. The results of the recent poll show that subjects polled would rather watch the NHL than get gonorrhea. While the NHL appears to be more popular than gonorrhea, the league is still trailing the sexually transmitted disease crabs by a couple of percentage points.

National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman celebrated the results in a recent press conference. "It is a proud day for the NHL. Just a few years ago, the name Pascal Leclaire was significantly less familiar to North Americans than gonorrhea, but in a short period of time, the NHL has proved that it is indeed the Comeback Kid," proclaimed an enthusiastic Bettman.

Although Bettman did not address potential reasons for the increasing popularity of a name like Pascal Leclaire, it is believed that many survey respondents mistook Leclaire for the popular pastry the eclair.

Bettman outlined a clear vision for the future when he stated, "This is a historic day for hockey. These polling numbers make me confident that in a few years time, people will rather watch hockey than scratch their pubic lice."

The poll revealing the NHL to be more popular than gonorrhea was conducted by Zogby International Polling, which also predicted Barack Obama would beat Hillary Clinton by ten points in the New Hampshire Primary.

The results of the Zogby International Poll are as follows:

If you were left on an isolated plank of wood floating through the ocean, which one of the following would cause you the most amount of self-inflicted pain? - Results depict data gathered on January 7, 2008

Mind of Mencia Marathon 31%
Gonorrhea 24%
NHL Hockey 22%
Crabs 21%
All You Can Eat Spam Buffet 2%

(Margin of Error +/- 3 percentage points)

New Clinton Slogan: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty

NEW YORK (NB) - As Hillary Clinton's polling numbers continue to slip in both Iowa and New Hampshire, the Clinton campaign has launched an aggressive blitz in an attempt to push momentum forward. In addition to taking laughing lessons from James Lipton, Clinton unveiled a new campaign slogan this week. The new slogan, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty, is a bid to portray Clinton as the candidate with the biggest balls.

Wearing an asbestos-colored pant suit, Clinton unveiled her new slogan in the company of Janet Reno and Rosie O'Donnell. "As the candidate toughest on important American issues such as defense, I believe my femininity must no longer be a focus of this campaign. Naturally, the media wants to address my gender the same way they point out that Senator Obama is too black, but somehow not black enough. Therefore, in an effort to minimize my femininity, I'd like to use my new slogan to draw attention to John Edwards' femininity. From this day forward, my new slogan is officially, Hillary: Because John Edwards is Too Pretty," said Clinton.

Clinton proceeded to discuss her attributes as a candidate by stating she would be tough on Iran, could beat you in an eating contest, and, if necessary, could pee standing up.

In response to Clinton's new strategy, her rivals, Barack Obama and John Edwards, both declined to offer a response through their campaign spokespeople. The Obama campaign reiterated that Senator Obama would only attack Senator Clinton on Saturday Night Live. Meanwhile, the Edwards campaign noted Senator Edwards could not issue a comment because he was on vacation in the other America that he so frequently discusses in his stump speech.

John Edwards' Wife Disappointed He Is Not a Black Woman

CHAPEL HILL, NC (AP) - Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards, revealed her disappointment in her husband during a recent interview. Noting that Edwards currently trails both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Democratic fundraising totals, Elizabeth stated that despite a sincere effort, she has failed at her attempts to make John a black woman.

"I have tried extremely hard, but I just can't make John a black woman," said an exhausted Elizabeth Edwards. "Sure, John has overtly feminine features and in our state of North Carolina we have black people, but that still won't make John a black woman. If we have learned anything during this campaign, it is the fact that the country might not be ready for a white, Christian man to lead the United States."

Elizabeth listed a variety of techniques she has employed in the hopes of turning John Edwards into a black woman. Elizabeth is confident that if John can successfully become a black woman, he will surge ahead in the fundraising race. A list of tactics used by Elizabeth Edwards include: forcing him to sit in the back of the campaign bus, spending quality time with Oprah's friend Gayle King, letting him know nothing could be finer than the taste of syrup on his pancakes in the morning, and referring to him as Venus in his weekly tennis game with hair stylist Vidal Sassoon. Regardless of her attempts to help him gain ground in the polls, John Edwards is still not a black woman.

An exasperated Elizabeth exclaimed, "Things have changed so much in our country since 2004. It is almost like there are two Americas. In one America, the son of a mill worker can really inspire people to believe in the American dream. In the other America, a black guy and a woman come along and all of a sudden being the son of a mill worker is about as inspiring as being Carlos Mencia's fluffer."

eHarmony To Sponsor GOP Presidential Debate

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) – Prior to Monday evening's Democratic presidential candidates' debate, which featured the presidential hopefuls responding to questions submitted via YouTube, the Republican Party announced its next debate would be sponsored by eHarmony.

Although details of the upcoming eHarmony Republican debate have not been finalized, some facts about the event have been revealed. Prior to the debate, all Republican presidential candidates will be required to fill out a comprehensive 436 part questionnaire. The questionnaire will be used to provide voters with a compatability candidate. eHarmony's compatability index will assess presidential candidates on variables including: physical appearance, willingness to shotgun a beer with a voter, ability to distance themselves from President Bush, and whether or not their skin pigmentation significantly differs from Barack Obama's. Public policy is not expected to be a factor in the eHarmony compatability index.

The announcement revealed by GOP Party Chairman, Mel Martinez, is part of an effort to bolster support for the Republican Party with technologically savvy voters. Martinez explained, “eHarmony is a perfect fit with the Republican party and we look forward to their sponsorship during our next debate. As a website that discriminates against homosexuals, we know eHarmony will support the family values endorsed by our candidates. Specifically, our non-sexual partnership with eHarmony will highlight Sam Brownback’s homophobia, Tom Tancredo’s xenophobia, and wedge issue candidate, Albino McPaley’s heliophobia...Man, that guy is terrified of the sun.”

Imus: I Played the Racism Card Prematurely

NEW YORK (AP) - Former radio personality Don Imus held another press conference to express his regret over racist and sexist comments made about the Rutgers University women's basketball team. Imus announced that had he been able to predict the candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, he would have held onto his racism card.

A regretful Imus lamented, "I am ashamed that I played my racism card prematurely. As I've gotten older, I've learned that I need to be more patient. Truthfully, it was an amateur's mistake to use my racism card to talk about women's collegiate basketball. It is common knowledge that since bitches can't dunk, no one is even paying attention to women's basketball." After referring to women as bitches, Imus quickly corrected himself, "Excuse me, I meant to refer to the bitches as wenches."

As reporters responded with confusion, Imus stated, "Basically, had I known a black guy, a woman, a Leprechaun, and a Mormon were going to run for President of the United States, I would have never said those words about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Believe me, I still have a few racist zingers up my sleeve about Barack Obama that would bring the house down or raise the roof, I am not really sure which phrase is more popular with blacks these days. " Imus sighed, "Things just keep getting worse for me. Did you hear that a Jewish guy in New York who made his money running a media empire might run for President?"

Imus concluded his press conference by pleading with the media to retract his previous statements for racist and sexist statements to be made later. After being informed the racism card is not part of a board game that can be traded for later use, Imus accused the Jewish media of being Indian givers.