Every now and then, Congress discusses the need for a change in our currency. Oftentimes, these debates turn political and lead to discussions about whether or not the actor who played Ronald Reagan should be featured on the dime. Recently, a different type of debate has evolved/been intelligently designed in the halls of Washington. Due to an unexpected increase in the price of zinc, some members of Congress insist it is no longer feasible for the United States Treasury to produce the penny. Although pennies have lost much of their flavor since the days I got paid to eat ten for a nickel, I cannot help but point out the importance of this oft neglected coin.
First, the disappearance of the penny will hurt the taxpayer. For instance, my Grandma collects pennies because it makes her days at the Palm Springs Retirement Home/Center for Convicts who Aspire to be Clowns a little bit more enjoyable. If she is forced to pick up heavier coins like the quarter, her arthritis might flare up. Once her arthritis flares up because no one cared that pennies are easier for old ladies to pick up off the floor of Red Lobster, her medical care will be covered by the government. In order for the government to pay for her medical care, money will be collected from tax-paying citizens.
It should also be noted that eliminating the penny will have a disastrous impact on our economy. For example, I will no longer be able to buy discounted prescription drugs if the 99 Cents Store no longer exists. If I cannot afford my medication, I will not be able to keep writing. If I stop writing, people will look less busy at their computers. When bosses see people looking less busy at their computers, those people will lose their jobs. As people lose their jobs, the American economy will begin to collapse when tens of my readers become unemployed.
And the previously mentioned reasons to keep the penny are chump change. In a penniless world, the word "penny" will lose its place in our lexicon, which leads to my most important point. If we eliminate the penny, what will we name girls destined to be strippers? Everyone knows good stripper names are few and far between, which means that we must fight to keep the really good ones, like Penny. Am I supposed to refer to my strippers as Elana or Felice? Yes, I am willing to admit strippers often nickel and dime their customers, but if you don't bet your bottom dollar on these ladies, you only get a quarter of the show. Personally, I respect that type of archaic work ethic, which is why we must show our appreciation by preserving names like Penny for our future strippers.
Sure, the penny costs 1.7 cents to make, but it's a price I'm willing to pay to ensure that I never have to call a stripper Sacagawea Golden Dollar Coin.
